Identifying and feeling comfortable around good people

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

As part of my 2023 goals, I'm aiming to reach out and find more friends / good people to be around.

As us PD survivors know, we all have be careful not to end up in any kind of relationship, including friendship with PD people. It's so easy to go with the familiar!

So... I was wondering if we might talk about the 'green flags' for good people.

In addition, ways to feel comfortable around them!

Sometimes I've been around kind, nice, normal people and I kind of feel overwhelmed, like I don't know how to be, sometimes I've pulled back from those relationships, they feel so unfamiliar!

I've definitely made progress, but I still think I've got scope for more growth.

Here are some green flags:
- respecting boundaries
- bring able to apologise
- being kind (with no agenda!)
- calm, non dramatic
- peaceable
- talks through problems constructively

Ways to feel comfortable and reach out:
- positive self mantras
- recognizing / analysing discomfort
- ask for help (and accept it) as well as offering it
- set boundaries (and respect others)
- meditating / grounding when 'unfamiliar' feelings come up

Anyway, if anyone has any ideas, I would really appreciate them!

Jolly 

[NarcKiddo]

What a great topic. 

I have great difficulty with other people since I trust nobody. My therapist and I agree that baby steps are sensible so as not to overwhelm me (or the other person).

I observe how people behave around one another and see what sort of vibe I get. I think a lot can be learned from watching. For instance how my DIL is around her mother. They have an excellent relationship. How mothers are with their children. I am lucky enough to have a couple of good exercise coaches and I can practice relating to people while pursuing a goal. I know this is different from friendship because I am employing them, but there is still a lot of personal interaction there so it is good for me.

I find it hard to be fully present due to my hyper vigilance so I practice that as well when I am talking to someone. I try to make eye contact occasionally, rather than never.

I think that one green flag around boundaries is actually if the other person has their own boundaries, makes them clear, and is able to say no in a kind manner.

I will follow this topic with great interest as I am a total novice.

[Srcyu]

I found it helped me enormously to volunteer at the local hospital. I absolutely loved it and I got to meet some really lovely people who appreciated my help.

Sadly, that was all taken away by the government during covid. But gradually, some new volunteering opportunities are starting to emerge. I recommend it if you have the time to spare.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Narckiddo and Windmill,

Thanks for your replies and kinds words!

Narckiddo -

Yes observation is a good one! One of my S/H books recommended watching shows where healthy kind relationships are exemplified - healthy forms of conflict resolution etc.

I agree on the healthy boundaries of others as well! 

Windmill - your volunteering sounds great! I am signing up for volunteering as well, actually I'm signing up for a bunch of things.

I found this guide for identifying safe people from Jay Reid, a psychotherapist that talks about overcoming scapegoating abuse - https://youtu.be/bI71UlR3UNc

A big one is how we feel after being around the person - depleted or uplifted, whether we feel we can share things mutually, whether they keep confidences etc., whether they are peaceable and can resolve disagreements in the right way.

I'll keep looking out for more resources!!!

Thanks again!!! 

[Jolie40]

Hi Jolly Jazz


I have joined 3 writing groups
each meets once/month

even though I'm an introvert, I really like the groups
writers seem like quiet people & everyone takes their turn talking so it's all very civilized

I used to do scrapbooking when my kid was little & attended some scrapbooking events
those were fun, also

maybe there is a group of interest that you could join?

[JollyJazz]

Hi Jolie40,

Thanks for this. Your writing group sounds fabulous!

Yes, I'm part of some groups, but I am also signing up for more.

Best wishes!

[Jolie40]

Are your writing groups virtual or in-person? I really like the idea of joining a writer's group, I wonder if I could find a virtual one.

Hi user,

the groups I attend are all held in person at different library meeting rooms

I wouldn't be surprised if there are some virtual ones, however
you'll just have to search

I've been signing up for free virtual lectures/classes online......they pop up on my facebook feed
all different topics show up & they're usually something I'm interested in which is weird

good luck finding an online writer group!