Does this sound like uNPD? I’m completely broken

[Limerence]

Hello,

I recently got out of a passive aggressive toxic relationship with a girl (27 yrs old). I met her at a music festival. We hit it off quickly. She shared her iPhone location with me permanently the day I met her (a bit forward, but ok I'll roll with it).

We dated long distance for 8 months. We would jet set around the country doing fun, and unique things. We shared special moments together like I never have with anyone else I've dated. We seemed perfect for each other.

We were texting, FaceTiming, etc every single day. Our conversations were never boring. She seemed genuinely in love with me.

After 6 months, I asked her if she wanted to move to my city or go our separate ways. She told me she had wanted to move to my city before, but COVID happened. With some thought, she agrees and moves 900 miles to move in with me.

She moves in and 6 weeks into our relationship, I have a work related issue that causes me to become temporarily depressed. I regress into playing video games a little too much, but I continued to show her lots of attention. 2-3 weeks go by and I can tell she is becoming cold towards me.

I ask, "do you think I'm playing games too much?", she replies "I'm not your mother, I shouldn't have to tell you to get off the games".

I feel bad, so I quit playing games cold-turkey and focus on her, gym, and work. However, things don't go back to normal. She appears to be depressed now. I notice and ask her what's wrong. She replies "I feel like you don't love me anymore" (projection?). I tell her, of course I love you, what do you mean?!". She says "what do you think love is?". I reply "it's a deep seated feeling I have for you. That I'll always be there for you even when things get tough because we have a bond and a past".  She sorta shakes her head and we move-on from the conversation.

From this point on, the relationship took a nose dive. This just 6 weeks into living with me. She moved 900 miles and starts giving me silent treatment. She joins a sports social team without inviting me. I don't think much about it because we spend so much time together at home and she said she wants to make friends outside of my friend group. I think it's suspicious but I think to myself "why would she move all the way here just leave me in 6 weeks over some video games and depression. What about our special moments? Do they mean this little to her?"

Suddenly, I find myself walking on egg shells with her. She gets upset at me for small things I say or do. Perceived slights. She becomes a moody. She seems bi polar. She won't let things 'slide'.

She begins to put me through passive aggressive abuse: cheating, lying, manipulating, goal-post shifting, projection, gas lighting, silent treatment, stonewalling, never takes responsibility or says sorry. I'm doing all of the relationship work but she intermittently shows me lots of attention. I interpret this as a BPD push/pull but unsure. Maybe she's getting supply from me.

She says "I have all this time off from work and we're not going on trips". (I thought we went on enough trips over the past year. I thought we were settling in as a couple).

She says "you haven't written me a love letter in forever". She seems entitled to vacations and love letters from me. She doesn't seem to understand that these things come naturally with a bond.

We're not bonding anymore bc of her refusal to resolve conflict and her silent treatment. Our sex life goes away bc I'm not feeling loved. This makes her even more upset.

I ask her "what about all the fun times?". She replies "what? At music festivals when we did drugs, yea but outside of that...". Im stunned. I say "what about all the passionate sex?". She says "we never had passionate sex". It's as though she's trying to convince me of her distorted narrative. Yet she can't explain why I was good enough to move her entire life to be with me. It's not logical that she moved all the way here just because we had fun at music festivals.

The relationship ends. She moves out and I find out she's now dating a guy on the sports social team she was on. She had been going "out with girls" while we lived together. Now I realize she was going on dates with this guy (and probably doing more). This shows a major lack of empathy. I'm trying so hard to work on the relationship with her but she's self-sabotaging it while finding a new narcissistic supply?

She made me feel like I was the problem through gas lighting and blame shifting. I have lost my sense of self and I feel completely broken. I feel like I must be an awful boyfriend. The only thing I can relate to is Narcissistic Personality Disorder to explain how she hurt me. None of our fun memories and bonding meant anything when it came to an an easily fixable relationship issue. She shows no remorse and only gives me a 'no apology' apology when I confront her about her lying and manipulation. The only closure she gives me is "we're not compatible".

Does this seem like NPD or psychopathy?

[Limerence]

Just a footnote.. She has some red flags that I overlooked because of how strong our bond was.

Redflags:

I asked her "What happened to you?", during a heated argument. She turns around and says "My parents abused me!". I ask "What happened?" and she replies "What? you think my dad raped me?". I was taken aback. She then follows this up with "Ive been raped twice". Not sure if this is related to her dad. She and her dad seem to get along fine. Her parents are still together.

She has two (old) self harm cuts on her wrist. She said this was from highschool when she was having a difficult time.

I had a short text conversation with her friend from her home city. I tell her sorry for convincing my gf to move all the way here and now we're broken up. Her friend replies "Don't worry about it. I don't think it's anything you did. She tends to do a 180 on guys. She has childhood trauma that causes her to seek toxic traits." (which seems oddly worded IMO) . On the other hand, this is her best friend and at times, I've felt like my GF has been trying to pull the "Reverse discard" technique, by acting crazy. I refused to end things. So now I'm suspicious of her best friend. I'm suspicious that she's just telling me what I want to hear.

My gf hasn't gotten along well with her mom and dad. She described them as 'Ice people'. This, in conjunction with her self harm scars does give validity to the childhood abuse excuse.

However, I get confused again when I confront my ex about her abuse. I tell her "I know you have childhood abuse but you cannot treat people like that". She ignores it and says "I'm sorry you're hurt things ended, but I'm not sorry I ended things. We are not compatible".

So I'm INCREDIBLY confused. Was the childhood abuse an excuse to end things? Or does she not want to acknowledge that her abuse affects her ability to have a stable relationship?

[moglow]

She sounds like a very confused and unsettled human, call it what you will. We can't diagnose but honestly there could be any of a number of things going on. Seems like the new of the honeymoon period wore off mighty quickly for her when real life kicked in, however she justified it for herself. Dating someone else when she'd just moved in with you? That's not just lack of empathy but complete lack of respect, and there's no excuse for that in my world.

I'd go with her "we're not compatible" and keep on trucking. What are other options, for her to move back in and you constantly wonder what she's doing when not with you? Whatever trust you had is blitzed I'm sure and understandably so.


ETA: She has a tendency to do a 180? Ah. So she's known to do this then excuse it. Good to know now but I'm sure it stings anyway.

[Limerence]

Agreed. I wouldn't take her back, but I never got closure. I was left feeling like I was the problem. I don't know how to make sense of it. How can someone move that far and not even make a meaningful attempt to work on the relationship? It's as though the past meant nothing.

Edit: You're right. I'm probably just being hyper vigilant and thinking too much into this. All of her manipulation has made me hyper vigilant.

[moglow]

Cynical mo says "closure" is a sweet buzzword full of sparkles and moonbeams, where all our questions are answered and all doubts are laid to rest. To me, that's something not within another's gift, whether to provide or withhold. It's something we find within ourselves; it's acceptance and letting go. We get there in our own time, and no one else can drive that particular bus for us.

Continuing to ask questions of a person who decided "incompatibility" (or whatever excuse) is their answer, is only likely to get more confusing. Every answer will likely raise more questions while she'll become more agitated and contradictory. (And no, I don't suggest asking her friends or family anything - guarantee they've seen this before and they can't answer for her choices.)

But maybe that's just me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[escapingman]

What you describe certainly sounds like Cluster-B, but whatever it is she doesn't treat you well and respect you so in the long run this is the best that could happen to you.

[Limerence]

Cynical mo says "closure" is a sweet buzzword full of sparkles and moonbeams, where all our questions are answered and all doubts are laid to rest. To me, that's something not within another's gift, whether to provide or withhold. It's something we find within ourselves; it's acceptance and letting go. We get there in our own time, and no one else can drive that particular bus for us.

Continuing to ask questions of a person who decided "incompatibility" (or whatever excuse) is their answer, is only likely to get more confusing. Every answer will likely raise more questions while she'll become more agitated and contradictory. (And no, I don't suggest asking her friends or family anything - guarantee they've seen this before and they can't answer for her choices.)

But maybe that's just me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I went no contact with her since the day she broke up with me. With one exception when she reached out 2 months later asking for her mail.

She could've had her mailed forwarded. Also, she left behind several items at my house that were deliberately left behind. I left them outside my door for her to pick up. She still tries to hang out with my friends at certain music events. I refuse to be around her or my friends, so I go to music events alone or with other friends. So in short, I have put up my boundaries and I'm sticking to them even if it means losing some friends.

In the beginning, my friends didn't understand what happened between us. I would try to tell them, but it didn't make sense to them and they didn't really want to hear about it. My friends thought it was a normal break up and I was just taking it hard -- That I would get over it in time. But then, I was able to share more about the emotional abuse. I showed them who I thought she was cheating on me with. Again, they didn't believe me. They took my ex's excuse of 'hanging out with girls' at face value.

One of my friends, who didn't believe me in the beginning, a month later saw a co-worker of his on her social media after our break up. He goes to the co-worker and asks how the co-worker knows my gf (let's call her Karen). The co-worker says "I know Karen because she's dating my friend from the sport social team, how do you know Karen?". My friend says "Karen moved her to date my friend". The coworker says "oh, she didn't tell us she had an ex living here. Karen said she was living with a friend".

I suppose, in a way, I got some closure from that. That she's not the person she portrayed herself to be.

[Limerence]

What you describe certainly sounds like Cluster-B, but whatever it is she doesn't treat you well and respect you so in the long run this is the best that could happen to you.

Thank you for the kind words and the digital hug lol! It means a lot to me.

I will add, that I have become a better person out of the emotional abuse. I was in a perpetual state of panic attack for 2 weeks straight following the break up. I had no idea what happened, why I was being treated this way, and I thought I had been a colossal failure as a boyfriend. I would fix one issue she had with me and next thing I know, there was yet another issue. I thought I would marry this person. I had this strange loss of self/ego. Suddenly, the things I loved to do, I now hated them. The experience allowed me to reevaluate myself. I unplugged from all kinds of things.. News, social media, I found out who my true friends were. I've been reorganizing my life to an extent and I feel like I had gotten rid of a lot of toxic things in my life. I feel so much better about myself deep down. However, this betrayal runs deep and still hurts today.

[moglow]

That's about what I'd expect - "just friends" sounds much better than "I moved here to be with him and it didn't work out ..." [within a month??]. Don't fall for any of that "we can be friends" bs she may try to trot out when things end with her new friend. She's not your friend, and you're right, she's not the person she portrayed herself to be.

In all honesty, long distance relationships with the necessary traveling and going places to be together is very different from day to day normal life. You do see a different side of people once you're in close proximity, much less living together. Hindsight says it would probably have been better had she moved nearby into her own place/with roommates, but we never know if we don't try.

[Limerence]

Oh 100% that was SUCH a huge mistake -- moving in together. I will never do that again.

And yes, I agree that is a big risk of dating long distance. I just didn't expect her to be callous and cold to me, especially after how incredibly sweet she was to me. And she wasn't just 'sweet'. She really went out of her way to do things that meant a lot to me. Deep down, I do think she genuinely loved me at some point.

However, early on, when she kept dropping odd comments like "I feel like you don't love me" (when there was no evidence to support that). She came up to me and said "I feel like you lied to me". I said "huh? lied to you about what?". She wouldn't elaborate (keep in mind, she told me early on that she has a hard time expressing her emotions. So often times she wouldn't have much to say and so I ended up over-talking). 

I went on to reassure her "I'm the same person, I've just been going through some stuff with work". At the time, I didn't know these thoughts were causing her to dislike me to the point of breaking up with me. If I had known that, I would've tried discussing it more with her. I'm not sure that would've fixed anything though.

That's about what I'd expect - "just friends" sounds much better than "I moved here to be with him and it didn't work out ..." [within a month??]. Don't fall for any of that "we can be friends" bs she may try to trot out when things end with her new friend. She's not your friend, and you're right, she's not the person she portrayed herself to be.

Yea, exactly. She's self-aware enough to know not to tell them the truth. Which makes me think she was consciously abusing me? She lied about so many things, it was crazy how natural it came for her. Even the smallest things.. It made me wonder what she's lied to me about in the past while things were still good between us.

[moglow]

I'd venture a guess it's more her consciously covering her tracks as best she can. Her version of events and truth may be somewhat more flexible than yours. The basic self awareness is what boggles me - how can you so carefully backtrack and cover up, make it all make sense, yet fail to think things through up front? Lack of impulse control? Lack of object constancy? She may - like too many people - lie with little to no effort, and about the most inconsequential things. At this point the lines of fact and fiction are pretty well blurred.

[Limerence]

As I understand it, narcissists 'confabulate' based upon their own interpretations of event. Possibly based on their feelings. Feelings over facts.

I tend to agree because my gf and I had THE WORST communication. Not because we both wouldn't sit down and talk, but because when we did sit down, she had almost nothing to say other than to turn things around on me. After a while, we began talking past each other. She was upset but couldn't tell me why she was upset. She would just gas light me. She would bring up past things that upset her so that the focus was on me.

It was as if she literally could not discuss issues because then she'd be faced with her short comings and as I understand it, narcissists would rather die than accept blame or shame. 

[Limerence]

Thank you for your reply, user. I should clarify something on that statement I made to my girlfriend concerning Love. I have never been asked to give a definition of Love on the spot like that. I was not prepared for the question. I did not understand why she was asking the question. Bottom line, I did not know how to answer the question properly and sincerely. I just said the first thing that came to my mind. I 100% agree with the characteristics you mentioned. I just did not know how to put it into words on the spot to a girl who thinks (for whatever reason) I don't love her.

Up until that point, there was no reason for her to believe I didn't love her. I was going through a temporary depression due to a sudden work issue. I regressed into playing video games a bit too much and PERHAPS I wasn't being intimate with her as much as she wanted. These were the only reasons I could think of that made her feel unloved. I asked her why she felt that way, but she wouldn't tell me. I just dismissed it as silly. I gave her a big hug and told her I love her very much and I want us to be happy together.

This is where things became very confusing. She said "I feel like you don't love me". I reassure her, but just a week or two goes by and she joins a Sports Social League to make new friends and eventually goes on dates with another guy. So on one hand, she's accusing me of not loving her and on the other hand she's starting the process of leaving me. Yet, I'm madly in love with her and I spend the next 2 months doing 100% of the relationship work.

My best guess is that this was the beginning of the discard/devaluation phase. She was projecting that she didn't love me anymore by saying that I didn't love her.

I watched a video from a self-aware narcissist on Youtube where he discusses this. He said that Narcissists will tell you what they're thinking, by accusing you of that very thing. In addition to this, my GF told me once that she has a hard time expressing her emotions. Our 'talks' just went around in circles. It was rarely productive. This is when I became suspicious and thought she was pulling the "Reverse discard" card. By denying me communication, conflict resolution, and always acting unhappy. I felt like she wanted me to break it off so that she didn't have to.

I became 100% convinced of this when she came to me one day and said she thinks she should move out. I was shocked. I became defensive and sad. I asked her why she would want to move out? (She made up a BS reason that didn't hold water). Why would my gf, who supposedly loves me but thinks that I don't love her be moving out? It's not logical. That's when I realized it had to have been her projecting her true feelings onto me. This screams PD.

As I'm thinking out loud, the last thing my gf ever said to me in person was "You know, you always thought I was using you. I wasn't". I actually never thought this at all, until she said that... I just nodded in a confused way, unsure what to say. Now I'm wondering if this was also projection. Maybe she WAS using me to move to my city. After all, she did tell me at one point she had considered moving to my city, but COVID happened. However, that would be one hell of a long-game of manipulation....

I actually have no idea why she said this to me. This wouldn't be a 'supposed' thought in my head if she had communicated with me with why she was leaving me. To this day, I still have no idea why she left me. She just said "We're not compatible".

You see how confounding this is to me? All of this gas lighting, confusion, etc led me to relate heavily on most, if not all NPD traits.

[escapingman]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It looks from what you are writing she was using you for both supply and your resources. She wanted to move to your city and you were the perfect way in. Count yourself lucky, you could have been stuck with her for years.

[downwiththefog]

I'm sorry to hear you're hurt so much, but as two others have said on this thread,
consider the brighter side - to have got to this point relatively quickly not after marriage and kids.
Look forward not back now (I know it must be very hard, and it's easy to say)

[Limerence]

Haha as I'm reading my own story back to myself, it DOES seem she used me to move to my city. The cognitive dissonance in my head.. Perhaps that's why it's so confusing to me.

I will say that I can come up with numerous instances where she genuinely seemed in love with me (and even my best friend, who was skeptical of her, told me he thinks she was in love with me). So it increases the confusion. She was intermittently loving to me through out the final 2 months. She kept asking "Are you going to kick me out?" when our fights became more intense (she had no place to go if I did).  Due to this, I originally thought she was BPD. Hot/Cold, Push/pull. But I don't think that was it.

But yes, you're right. I'm glad I wasn't stuck with her for longer.

Here's one interaction that may be telling. I'm curious what you all think.. We were having a very loving and sweet moment together at a music festival. I was holding her close and I told her "Don't ever forget moments like these". She replies, "I won't but you have to love me".

I didn't think much about it at the time, but I do remember pausing and thinking to myself.. That's not the answer I was expecting. I was thinking she would say something like "I won't, I love being with you" or "I won't and I'm glad I met you"... something along those lines. Why put a contingency in a moment like that?

Once she broke it off, she ntentionally left a number of valuable items behind at my house. Which was (again) confusing. She ended up asking for the items back a week later when she texted me about a music festival ticket that she wanted from me, which I originally bought for her. The funny thing is, when she broke up with me, I offered the ticket to her for free. She told me she didn't want it and that she was going to buy a Single-day ticket and go with some other acquaintances. 

So when she texted me, she asked to talk to me about the music festival coming up. I thought to myself, "What's there to talk about, you broke up with me and you need to make new friends". I became suspicious that she did want the ticket after all. So i told her the ticket was spoken for. She got mad at me. So why didn't she just take the ticket when I originally offered it to her? None of it makes any sense.

[escapingman]

If she had taken the ticket initially she would not be able to come back and create drama surrounding the ticket.

[downwiththefog]

. So i told her the ticket was spoken for. She got mad at me.

Please try to ignore such a reaction, she wants to keep you emotionally entangled - that's why she left stuff behind, an excuse for contact

[Limerence]

Thank you for the advice. I have been no contact with her for over a month now. When she created this drama regarding the ticket, I started "Icing" her text messages -- meaning that I took hours to respond. This infuriated her and caused her to remove me as a friend on social media. Admittedly, my actions were not helping anything. I was actively trying to punish her for trying to manipulate me. But in hindsight, there was a much better way of setting a boundary with her.

I had no idea why she was going to 'war' with me. It was incredibly hurtful and damaging to my mental health. I had never been in an abusive relationship before, and so my natural reaction was to be a jerk back to her, albeit in a very passive aggressive way (icing her texts). By this point in time, I had tried EVERYTHING to smooth things out with her. I became a doormat for her, I bent over backwards to be the sweetest boyfriend ever. That didn't work. So I started being stern with her and made her confront the truth (that I caught her red handed in a lie). She hated me just as much for that too. Then, lastly, I tried being a passive aggressive jerk back to her. That had no effect.

I even tried giving her lots of space, but she would give me silent treatment until I couldn't take it anymore and would try to resolve whatever the issue was.

It's as though I had to accept her narrative -- her reality, or else the relationship wasn't going anywhere. Naturally, I pulled back from the relationship when our narratives diverged.

[moglow]

It's as though I had to accept her narrative -- her reality, or else the relationship wasn't going anywhere. Naturally, I pulled back from the relationship when our narratives diverged.

In a very small nutshell, yes. That's exactly what was expected of you at that point. She'd made her decision and altered reality to fit.

I had no idea why she was going to 'war' with me. ... So I started being stern with her and made her confront the truth (that I caught her red handed in a lie). She hated me just as much for that too.

This i believe is the crux of the matter - you saw through it all, with clear eyes that weren't adapting to her ever-changing internal landscape. Then you dared call her to account for herself and her choices, the things she'd said to you. You didn't back down, kowtow or apologize for speaking what you knew to be true.

I can only agree with others' comments, that hopefully you can find gratitude that you're having to face it head on now and not months from now when you might have married and/or fathered a child with her.