new here, have a parent with a PD

[helio]

Hello.

New here. I'm pretty sure my mum has a personality disorder - from my experiences, reading on PDs, from talking to others and my therapist. I've been using the toolkit on this site in dealing with my family, as my dad enables her, and my sister is in denial and enmeshed, and herself shows many similar traits as my mum.

The tools have been very useful, I'm learning, and my inner kids are learning that when using them, being chill around them even when harm is flying about, and emotional manipulation is being tried on us, that I (/my inner kids) are safer than when I react in the moment. My family rages at me having boundaries or any autonomy from them, but I am learning to have them no matter their response, while remaining chill. Not perfectly, but I am seeing results, less drama around them.

But after I am around my family, I tend to crash, be exhausted, and am so angry and resentful and I (/my inner teens) want to vent and rant and swear and scream that I hate my family. I resent that it takes so much to recover from the effort of being chill with them.

I've come on the recommendation of a friend here because I need more support. I'm in Adult children 12 steps, and therapy, and I still need more support.

Thanks

[bloomie]

Hi helio - welcome to Out of the FOG. I am so thankful you have found us, but sorry that you are dealing with such difficulty. It is wise to surround yourself with support as you heal and live out your boundaries.

I have found it takes many spokes on the wheel to recover from having grown up in toxic family dynamics. The community here has been a unique kind of support and refuge for me and I hope you find that to be true for you as well.

Keep coming back and sharing your healing journey, keep reading the posts, and exploring the resources. It all works together to lighten a heavy heart.

[helio]

Thank you heaps for your welcoming words <3

[SonofThunder]

Hi Helio,

Another warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  I second what bloomie wrote.  I want to congratulate you on your proactiveness and in-the-moment mindfulness when facing PD behaviors.  The tools in the Out of the FOG toolbox (top right) are wonderful and powerful.  Powerful, productive tools take a long time in order to become proficient in their beneficial use. Proficiency takes practice, failure, retrospect, adjustment, practice... wash-rinse-repeat.

Many of the tools must be at the ready at all times, and in many situations with PD's, used simultaneously.  I suggest comparing their eventual proficient use of tools together, to learning a musical instrument or a sport.  The toolbox, music and sports have individual components that steadily must be studied and practiced in order to eventually see improvement, as some of the individual skills begin working very well together.  Practice. Practice. Practice.  I want to encourage you to not be in a hurry for proficiency, as skill building takes time.  Its to be expected! ☺️

As bloomie well-wrote: "Keep coming back and sharing your healing journey, keep reading the posts, and exploring the resources. It all works together to lighten a heavy heart."

I fully agree that PD episodes are exhausting. In addition, for me, I had no idea that I was an introvert, and introverts exhaust quickly and need plenty of alone time to recharge.  The introvert recharging needs are perfectly normal, whether around PD's or anyone.  I tire easily and now accept, plan and say yes/no in certain areas of my life, to better-align my decision-making with my introvert personality makeup.  Not sure if you have ever looked into introversion and extroversion in yourself to understand how differently we each are wired.  If you have not, I suggest a website like www.truity.com.  Knowing myself better is part of my collection of toolbox tools that allow me to position myself for maximum effectiveness.

Again welcome, and see you around the boards.  You are not alone!

SoT

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. Your FOO situation sounds similar to mine in many ways.

Once I had realised there was a problem and started to protect myself I got better at dealing with the immediate family situations but I would have huge stress and discomfort for some days leading up to any planned time with them (levels depending on how long the interaction was scheduled to be) and it would take me a full 24 hours at least to decompress afterwards.

I have been doing therapy for about 6 months and I have found that my stress beforehand and need to decompress afterwards has markedly reduced. I am not sure exactly why but I think it has much to do with being more in touch with myself and my own emotions now. I have a lot of work to do still. But I have been able to notice how much more comfortable I am during the interactions. Talking about this with the therapist and having her help in learning to trust myself means I am more confident going into the interactions so there is less need to stress in advance. And afterwards less need to decompress because I was able to trust myself and deliver to myself on that trust.  Before it was all about them and how I could defend myself. Now it is much more about me and how much I am prepared to give them. Some times are of course better than others but I feel I have made good progress. I wonder if this is an aspect you have yet explored?