Attending a banquet

[verum71]

My daughter is in wrestling and has an upcoming end of the year banquet.  I've posted several times in the last couple of months about my daughter not acknowledging me when I'm there at her wrestling events and some of my struggles with this.  My BPDx is actively involved with the team and to be brutally honest, I don't want to go to this banquet.  My fiancé will be there with me and I know that my daughter will probably not acknowledge either of us at the dinner.  I being tugged in a couple of directions here .  My fiancé is fully aware of the family dynamic - at the same time I don't want to subject her to this treatment either - it makes her uncomfortable as well.  Any feed back on this would be appreciated

[bloomie]

verum71 - I commend you for continuing to support your daughter as she competes, despite the discomfort. I am assuming your daughter has not asked you not to come to certain events and that she is just brief in her interactions with you?

It is not uncommon for kids to be more focused on their peers and performance at sporting events and not spend a whole lot of time chatting with parents. No matter the status between their parents. So, there is some solace in that.

I would go to the banquet and be friendly and kind to her and the other parents around me to be consistent in my support of my daughter. And if your daughter does not greet you or your fiancé at all, then that is a manners issue and something the two of you will need to work through together at an appropriate time afterwards.

What you are modeling for her, imv, is that you are not going to give up supporting her and enjoying these fleeting experiences of her life due to discomfort. You are showing trustworthiness and a willingness to stick with it. You are also showing her that you will put her first.

My two cents on this one.

[Srcyu]

I think we reach the point of having to please ourselves sometimes.
If she ignores you then she doesn't need your support, so where's the point?

Stick with how you feel - you don't want to go.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I agree with bloomie's response.
I would consider it my job to keep showing up (unless specifically asked not to) and showing love and support in any way I could.
Coming at it from another angle, I think if this specific event is too uncomfortable, there might be other ways you can express your unconditional love and unwavering support for your daughter.
How do the pros/cons stack up for attending vs not attending? Is there something else you can do to support this athletic achievement? Can you get your intentions across in another way?

[verum71]

Thanks for the feedback on this!  I spoke with a former co-worker that will also be attending this banquet and we have agreed to sit together at this dinner, which might buffer this a little more.  I have had several conversations with my fiance about this and she has really struggled with the treatment my daughter gives me at events like this - she (my fiance) is very protective in that way.  I have been divorced from my BPDx since 2009 - she was diagnosed in 2004 while we were still married.  Where I am going with this is that I have already achieved my "black belt" in how to get my head in the right place and handle these situations in the best way possible.  This daughter is my youngest child of 3 (almost 16) - I have been through this many times before with my other 2 children who are now 24 and 20. 
My fiance and I talked tonight about me having a conversation with my daughter before going to the banquet and sharing with her my feelings of uncomfortability when I attend things like this and I am not acknowledged as even being there.  I have talked with her about this before a year and a half ago and I was dismissed right off the bat about it even being an issue. 
I don't know - in the end I can just friggin sit there and grin and go through the motions for 3 hours and then go home.  I won't lie that I often wonder what other parents are thinking too about "Well I wonder why she doesn't come over to talk to her Dad?".  I just a mess - it's stress - uggh!

[bloomie]

verum71 -

I have already achieved my "black belt" in how to get my head in the right place and handle these situations in the best way possible.

I can only imagine the journey getting to that black belt! I am thankful you have a friend to sit with and totally get your fiancé's protectiveness of you. It has to feel good to have someone like that in your corner!

I was thinking that even if you talk with your DD about this ahead of time, even if she doesn't really respond or change her behaviors, the truth is out there. At this age, she is deciding who she wants to be and she may make a rude and dismissive choice with this, but she will have made it eyes wide open knowing how it impacts you and your fiancé.

Somehow, I have found that those decisions I knowingly made around that age were the ones that informed me most as the years went by in my character development. As I matured and remembered and thought about my blasé responses to someone who was lovingly sacrificing and there for me I could be use my mistakes as opportunities to learn, grow, and make amends.

You are providing consistency and guardrails for your DD. So huge!

[Penny Lane]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with it. I used to get migraines before I would have to see my DH's pdex. The uncertainty and stress and awkwardness ... it's terrible.

You certainly could ask your daughter to acknowledge you. It would be a reasonable thing to do, and you would be teaching her good behavior. But I also would say, don't take her behavior personally. She knows you are the safe parent and she will likely be punished by her mother if she acknowledges you. So another reasonable thing to do would be to let it go, and tell yourself that you are giving your daughter the gift of making it somewhat easier for her to deal with her mother.

Another option would be to bring her flowers or a card - something tangible to remind her that you love her and are proud of her. You can give it to her quickly and she can hold onto it. This depends on your ex too though - with some people, it might go directly into the trash which sort of defeats the purpose.

Also, I hope you can find a way to worry less about what people think. I have really found that people are thinking less about your family situation than you realize.

[verum71]

Thanks for all of the feedback on this.  In the end, the event went ok.  I am a teacher that is currently on Spring Break and my daughter attends school in the same district, so we are both off.  She randomly called me out of the blue to get some coffee yesterday.  We chatted for a while and ran an errand (she's all about driving now).  I figured she would be all ready to go back to her mom;s but she decided to come over to my house for a while and we sang a little bit on our karaoke set up in the basement (which is something that we have always done together).  Penny lane - you mentioned "So another reasonable thing to do would be to let it go, and tell yourself that you are giving your daughter the gift of making it somewhat easier for her to deal with her mother".  I feel like realistically this will be the place that I will have to be in right now, and hope that as she gets older, she'll realize that I was consistent and present when I could be.

[bloomie]

verum71 - what a good update. It sounds like you chose the perfect option for the banquet and for the foreseeable future. And you also enjoyed some good time together as well!! Bravo!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

"So another reasonable thing to do would be to let it go, and tell yourself that you are giving your daughter the gift of making it somewhat easier for her to deal with her mother".

I like the above comment.  I try to be as flexible as I can so my son can have less stress.
Glad the even went okay - I would have suggested to go, but if you want to leave, do so. 
Your time with her and singing in the basement was priceless