my sister, again

[fevredream]

she got arrested last week for failure to appear.  my brother gave her money to bail herself out.  she texted me yesterday, asking if I could get her some dog food because she didn't have any money but she has two jobs lined up to start this week.  I told her no.  I feel like I am spiraling because I know how she pulls me back in.  she uses her dogs or that she is hungry or needs tampons.  You know, just a little thing, just now, until she gets on her feet.  she just needs a helping hand!   I feel like a horribly awful person for not helping her out.  she doesn't remember, I guess, that she gave me access to her email and bank account when I was paying her bills.  so I can see that she spent $1000 (her tax return) in 7 days.  she paid a speeding ticket, paid some to the person she is staying with now, paid some to walmart and the dollar store.  spent about $30 on fast food.  and the other $500 was piddled away to friends which I now suspect are the drug dealing kind of friends.  and she doesn't have the money for her car payment this month.  for some reason, my brain wants me to think of her shivering, cold, hungry, crying out for just a little help and I am the one who is cruelly denying her the most minor help.  but when I read my posts here and elsewhere, I see the cycle.  and I am so sick of being a part of it.  I know that I can't make her get sober, can't make her want to get sober

I don't know how much of the last year I have posted about.  about this time last year, my sister showed up at my house, barefoot and bloody.  she had gotten in a fight with her boyfriend and put her hand through a glass door trying to hit him.  I took her to the ER and called her grandmother.  I went with her step grandfather to the boyfriend's place to get her stuff.  On the way, I told him I was done.  I could not be a part of her life anymore and tried to explain to him how bad it had been for me.  she went home with them and I didn't hear from her too often.  In may, she was arrested for fighting with her friend and some other things.  her grandparents had the bail bondsman call me and I told him I was not responsible for her.  so they bailed her out and set some rules for her.  and I didn't hear from her very much.  They gave her a down payment for a car and a job.  she stayed with them sometimes and with her boyfriend sometimes.  and I didn't hear from her very much.  around the end of september, her grandmother asked me to help them pay for her some dental work.  I explained that I had tried multiple times to get her to a dentist and had paid for work but she would not do any follow up.  If I made her an appointment, then she would miss it or tell me she was sick.  and I didn't hear from her for another week.  when I did hear from her, she had been kicked out of their house and fired from her job because she and her step granddad got in a fight because she kept missing work.  and all I saw was that she had been doing so good.  I thought I just needed to help her a little bit.  she had a car payment and an insurance payment. 
somehow, I ended up paying all her bills for October through January.  she had gotten a job in October but she told me her manager was mean, she hadn't been trained, they had not put her on the schedule.  she quit after two weeks.  and then it was November.  Her bio-mom's sister died unexpectedly.  the two year anniversary of her daughter's birth and death are in November.  so, to me, she was depressed.  I told her in January that I would not pay any of her bills past Jan. 31.  she got a job.  she started having some issues with high blood pressure and was told that her kidney functions were off.  she did not know why.  she still asked me for money.  because her boyfriend was being mean.  or they needed food money.  Or gas money because her job was in another town.  because she missed a lot of work because of her new health problems.  she did not pay her car insurance for two months.  so her car insurance lapsed on Feb 20.  but I did not 'fix' that for her.
at the end of February, I asked her to feed my dogs for me while I was out of town for a couple of days.  I offered to pay two of her bills or just give her money.  she asked that I pay bills.  so I did, a week or so before my trip.  can you guess what happened next? 
she did not feed my dogs.  when I asked her how they were, she said she couldn't get to my house in time (she literally lives one tenth of a mile from me) so she had asked my brother to do it.  she never fed my dogs.  my brother did it the whole time I was gone.  which is fine, but I paid her to do it.  and then I found out she had been seeing her baby daddy.  the one who beat her, chipped her tooth when he threw something at her.  the one that is currently in jail awaiting trial on federal drug trafficking charges.  I found out from her childhood friend that she was still hanging out with him because he would give her drugs for free or for cheap. and that her health problems were related to the drugs she takes.  and the alcohol.  when I got back from my trip (my son's birthday trip so I tried to have a good time) I told her I knew she had been seeing him, I knew about the drugs and the drinking and that I was done with her.  I am tired of being lied to and used.  and that brings us back around.  I have never been the kind of person to be suspicious or distrustful.  I feel like she is ripping away the things that make me uniquely me by using it all against me.  I don't know if I should try to explain my thoughts to her, or write her a letter or change my phone number.  I feel like I don't know which way is up.

[Srcyu]

Changing your phone number sounds like a good idea. Explaining your thoughts to her will probably go in one ear and out the other. Please don't write her a letter, think about who she could show it to ......

She's a walking disaster area isn't she? Hell bent on getting it all wrong. Immature I imagine and self-centred. The lure of her old boyfriend shows just how weak willed she really is. Not fit, really, to make decisions for herself.
She reels you in time and again because she knows you have a kind heart that she can take advantage of.

Your brother sounds so reliable and good - just like you. Thank goodness he fed your dogs while you were away. He is your biggest ally ofcourse and that's where the answer lies, I think. Share and discuss it all with him. I'm pretty sure he knows "which way is up."



milly

[Jolie40]

wow, your sister spent $1,000 in a week but didn't think to buy dog food!
she's totally irresponsible

no one should be buying for her or paying her bills

if people cut her off, maybe she'll learn to become an adult & fend for herself?

[notrightinthehead]

You are doing the right thing. A bit of tough love will be much more helpful in the long run. Have you checked out Al-Anon? You might find support there too.  Your sister might not be an alcoholic but the same principle applies. When drugs are involved, the faster they hit rock bottom, the faster they might decide they want to get better. And the more you help, the slower this process is and the more drugs can be ingested and damage the body. So by not helping her, you are actually helping her. Good luck and let us know how you are doing with your journey out of Co-dependency.

[fevredream]

wow, your sister spent $1,000 in a week but didn't think to buy dog food!
she's totally irresponsible

no one should be buying for her or paying her bills

if people cut her off, maybe she'll learn to become an adult & fend for herself?

right!?  and that is what I mean when I say she knows how to pull me back in.  I know she is out of money.  I know she spent at least half of it on random things that she could have chosen to buy dog food instead.  but she knows that if I won't help her, I still try to help her dogs.  I volunteer at a dog shelter and I know I could find 2 of the 3 a good home, probably a better home than they have.  but the oldest dog has been so emotionally abused by her that I am not sure he would be a safe dog to put out in the world.  plus his breed and his age (10 years old).  her friend told me that at one point, my sister was posting on snap chat for people to come fight her and that her dogs would attack them.  she thinks I could stop them from being put to sleep I guess.  but things have changed and our shelter has been told in no uncertain terms that any aggressive dog will be euthanized.  period.
as far as writing a letter or something, I guess I feel like, now that my burning rage about her being around that guy has worn off, that I need to make sure she understands that I meant it when I said I was done helping her.  she can't be around him anymore because he is in prison but she is still connected to that life and all the 'friends' she has made there.  but I love her and I know that mental illness and addiction are not really a choice.  Her friend told me that the blood pressure issues are a direct result of the drug use and that my sister needs to stop using.  and my sister told her she won't stop and 'at least I will die happy'.  where do you even begin when someone has that mindset?  when all this first happened (literally only 2 weeks ago) I considered calling her probation officer and reporting her.  and then she would go to jail.  and I won't bail her out and neither will her grandparents (I'm only 75% sure on that).  and maybe she gets clean in there.  and maybe she gets clean and once she gets out, she immediately gets high.  and probably overdoses and dies.  I have already thought about her funeral and what she would want.
I tell my self that I am the person she knows loves her so she treats me like this because she knows I will always love her.  but she treats everyone like this.  I don't know how to love someone without also doing everything in my power to help them and take care of them.

[Poison Ivy]

fevredream, you might get additional responses if you move your discussion to the section for people whose siblings have PDs.

[fevredream]

fevredream, you might get additional responses if you move your discussion to the section for people whose siblings have PDs.

I will move it but I usually post here because I am 26 years older than her.  I think it might be easier to know what to do if we had a sibling relationship but I feel more like she is my daughter.  the age difference between her and my son is only 11 years.

[Poison Ivy]

It seems as though you've provided a lot of care and support for your sister, regardless of the relationship. But I think it would be appropriate for you to continue pulling back from doing so. 

[Leonor]

Hi, Dream,

I'm sorry for your anguish.

It is very painful to love an addict.

Can you think of your sister as an addict, and her behavior as evidence of the addiction?

Like, when my sister asks me for money, it's not my sister asking - it's the addiction.

Or when I'd like my sister to do something for me, I'm not asking my sister - I'm asking the addiction.

When she is in her addiction, you cannot reach her. You cannot argue with or see beyond or love past the addiction.

You are a loving person, and you have tried. But this is what the result is.

You can love a person who is an addict, but you cannot have a loving relationship with them while they are in their addiction.

The addiction will lie to you. Manipulate you. Steal from you. Say horrible things to you. Trigger your own upset. Because the addiction will do anything to stay in control.

Again, you can love your sister. Care about her. Want the absolute best for her.

But you can't love her out of the addiction.

You don't write checks to an addiction.

You don't ask an addiction for a favor.

You don't lecture an addiction to straighten out and behave itself.

If your sister comes to you bleeding, say Narcotics Anonymous and call an ambulance.

If your sister comes to you bruised, say Narcotics Anonymous and call the police.

If your sister calls to weep or reminisce or laugh or yell, say, Narcotics Anonymous. And hang up.

You cannot walk with her or pull her out or drag her through. That is her journey.

Your journey is to walk in wellness, and perhaps when your sister is sober and able, she can follow that healing path.

Until then, Narcotics Anonymous. Period.