I’m so confused am I the AH

[Rainraingoaway]

Hello everyone,

I had called out my NPD mom to my enabling father in a private conversation relating to my first post. I had a streaming camera set up in my living room 4 years ago today ( it's my birthday today ) and I honestly thought my dad was on my side until I witnessed him and my sister come over uninvited without my permission in my home after a 2 year absence of estrangement from me. My mom had a little fun game of inviting my estranged family into my townhouse while she was childminding my kids (thinking I was none the wiser) while I was out getting a fresh set of gel nails. My husband (then boyfriend had not met both of them) essentially were was 2 strangers in his home.
I had thought they were doing a surprise party and when I texted her to let her know I was finishing up they had quickly grabbed their coats and left. So I confronted my father knowledge of this event in which he became angry at me that I told him Dec 22 and I" had impeccable timing" is a verbatim quote that he started his answer back to me: like how dare you message me this and damper the Christmas mood with my new do-over family. He said he would address me in 2023 so I blocked him because i was about to say some really nasty emotionally driven stuff and needed time to collect myself. So now yesterday he has messaged my mom and she demanded me to make it right with him (there is an insinuation I'm the AH) and let him wish me a happy birthday and that he was "worried". So I get WhatsApp back (he left 3 years ago found a woman in Portugal and moved countries and started a new family she had a 7 year old child it's his 3rd family; im from his 2nd family with 2 girls; he has one in the UK with another sister 11 years older than me)

Soooooo... I message him saying I was very upset for being shelved and tabled and as a parent he has a certain responsibility and he can't just put me on a back burner and I was very disappointed that he reacted like that and didn't have a short conversation with me. He then goes on a very long guilt trip about how he's my 65 year old father and I'm basically a very ungrateful child and I'm financially indebted to my mother and am the one who is on a mission to frame my mother in a negative light and it is me who is the one that is the negative tyrant against my mom and that is what triggers him. He said how dare I spy on and record my mom and not feel the need to trust her how dare I. He then scolds me for blocking him with a screenshot of him wishing me Christmas but "I couldn't receive it because I blocked him" he said in order for us to have an adult relationship going forward he doesn't want me to talk about my mom to him .

So I kind of wigged out a little and I was like this explicitly stays between us. Which it probably will not and my mom is coming over later today so it's gonna be a complete shit show. I said it was quite contrary that I was trying to frame my mom in a negative light. I was like are we going to gloss over the fact that you were in my home uninvited?  I said what that looked like to me was something called family mobbing and called out the scapegoating and said that he didn't live my life and this would be the very final discussion about this as I have many therapists I talk with like an adult. Why were you in my home on my birthday and didn't stick around to wish me a happy birthday? Isn't respect a 2 way street? Like how dare I talk to you 3 days out from Christmas but you can do this on my birthday? We can go forward and I will not discuss further. Happy 33rd birthday. Maybe update later?

[moglow]

Well ... in order to not talk about mom going forward, he needs to not bring it up or berate you over what he sees as your treatment of her. That bridge goes both ways here. Plain and simple: You addressed HIS behavior and he didn't like being called out on it. Not that you owe anyone an explanation, but it's your home and you can do whatever you want there.

Just my stuff, but seriously consider not discussing either parent with the other. Those are separate relationships and you don't have to explain them to anyone. Neither of them would be welcome in my home to be honest, not after that little performance. You want to be there when I'm *not*, not even bothered to wish me happy birthday when you're right there??? Aw HELL no!

The over-defensive comebacks when called out on his treatment is very familiar, trying to turn the tables and making you out to be the bad guy so he doesn't have to look at his own. I get it - on some level he knows how wrong it was and doesn't want to talk about it. Fine, the behavior speaks for itself anyway. It's done and you watched it go down, he can make it as pretty and shiny as he wants in his mind.
I just hate the way all this must feel. Stop painting yourself to be a bad guy here - they're adults as well, your parents no less. We all have responsibility for our own behavior, not that of others. They made choices and only they are responsible for them.

I do hope you have a very happy birthday, with your family of choice!