Another Hoover for my Birthday

[SpunHead13]

Hi, Its been a while since i posted on here. I went NC with my parents about 3 years ago. Overall it has greatly improved my life. I feel calmer, more myself, healthier, more sure of the future, more sure of myself, more even-keeled and have a better idea of what i want for my life and how to go about getting it.

This past week has been hard though, even though I blocked their numbers on my phone and did my best to prevent them from knowing my address when i moved. Their phone calls could still get through to my answering machine, and due to a paperwork mix-up with the gas company they got my paper bill with my new address on it.

So anyways, I got a phone message from Nmom and i listened to the beginning of it right before i deleted it. and I got a postal reminder that there was a package waiting for me at the post office and when i looked up the tracking number I saw it was from their town. Its near my Bday so the timing makes sense. unfortunately the phone messages have been a regular occurrence. I just try to delete them as quick as they come.

Since then I finally made the choice to change my phone number and I threw away the post reminder. I wont be picking up the package.

Though I'm much better than I used to be, I still feel a lot of self doubt about going no contact and even about the very feelings that come up when ever a hoover happens. I think "I'm being overly sensitive, my feelings are irrational, all this effort to get away from them is paranoid, I'm crazy!"

And that is what I struggle with most, the self doubt.

There was a fair amount of dismissing and gaslighting from my Nmom so i know the origin of where the self doubt comes from. But I still struggle with it.

[moglow]

An old friend used to say: a hoover doesnt work if we don't plug it in. It's sure not an easy task, disconnecting that "power." I mean, they installed the buttons so it's only natural that we somehow still respond even if only momentarily or internally. You'd think at some point they'd grasp that if you wanted to talk or see them, you'd make that happen.

Curious how the no contact came about - end result of big blow up or did something flip inside where you stepped away and kept on stepping? I'm not sure there's any golden ticket or best case scenario for any of us, this is more curiosity of how/if you addressed it with them directly and their initial response [so many don't pay any attention to what we say, even to acknowledge it's been said]. But seriously, you move house and change phone number and they continue??

Just keep breathing and finding your peace!

[SpunHead13]

Curious how the no contact came about - end result of big blow up or did something flip inside where you stepped away and kept on stepping? I'm not sure there's any golden ticket or best case scenario for any of us, this is more curiosity of how/if you addressed it with them directly and their initial response [so many don't pay any attention to what we say, even to acknowledge it's been said]. But seriously, you move house and change phone number and they continue??

Thanks for your words of encouragement. How it came about was like this; First I had a moment of realization, was just kinda walking down the street and realized I dont deserve to be hurt, I didn't choose to be born, I don't inherently deserve pain. For a long time I was LC and after that moment I went even lower contact. Telling them I was unavailable for a family get together, and on another occasion just plain ignoring their phone call and request for a get together. On the same day I ignored the phone call, they showed up at my apartment unannounced. And yelled at me for being spoiled, said I "owed" them and should return with them right away and questioned my sanity. After yelling at me for what felt like forever and me continually saying I wont go with them and stating to Nmom that I consider her abusive. They left. I was glad my housemate was there. She was very kind and was very surprised at how they treated me like property. That was it after that. NC.

*Edit- This was after about 5 years of counseling, reading books and articles and trying (unsuccessfully) to have healthy boundaries with them.

[moglow]

Oh wow, I vaguely remember that now that you say it, didn't realize that had pretty much finished it [but kind of relieved for you at the same time]. Showing up uninvited and pushing in, berating you for daring to just say no and continue on with your own life??! Can't say I blame you - and may I say how impressed I am with how hard that had to have been yet was obv what you needed. The "blessings" of having a witness, huh? You don't want anyone to see or hear all that but it's got to be good to have someone there at times. When the dust settled and you may have had doubts, all you need do was talk with your roommate.

It's still strange to me how anyone - much less parents - think it's okay to treat other adults that way. Yes, you're their "child" but the way it sounds they went about this boggles the mind. Sounds horribly like something mine might have done.

[SpunHead13]

I was actually really glad that the housemate was there. It kinda helped ground me in the reality of the situation. Cant say I talked to her much about it, its was just the knowledge that I'd had a witness. I've always found emotional abuse hard to describe, so it was nice I didn't have to try with at least one person.

[moglow]

My thought too. As embarrassing as it might/could be, it had to help having unbiased eyes on it. Confirmation you just don't get anywhere else - she SAW and heard it, no mistaking or misreading it. no "that's not the way it happened/not what I said" is gonna stick. So many people over the years have "yeah but..." with me, it's a whole other feeling when they are just stunned along with you, has to be.