The ghosts in the darkness

[Ottile]

Hello everyone

It is now 5 weeks since my nM died and 5 weeks of feeling nothing for her. Yesterday I found out she'd been cremated on 10 March which probably illogically enraged me with vitriol towards my GC brother who is now in charge of running the SG show.  In those few weeks my mental health has gone down the pan and an eating disorder has returned with a vengance leaving me at 46kgs.

I am deeply troubled by ghosts in the dark hours lying awake mulling things over. A couple of things keep coming into focus: My supposed parents did not care one iota I went NC with them, after all "you and your daughter are dead to us and you are disinherited" The poor child was 5. (But she did get a small inheritance from my SF which nM tried to withhold)  The parents were terrified of other adults in their very small circle of friends, insanely jealous of any and all inlaws me and the siblings had through the years yet sucked up publicly. If another adult metaphorically said jump they'd ask how high. I guess playing with adults their own age and size just didn't suit! The frequent episodes of sadistic violence keep running through my mind on a loop. I do mean sadistic- the SF was very keen on cruel and unusual and the more terror and tears the more he upped the game. Strangely enough I remember vividly it was with the GC that my M would scream at SF not to kill him; the "pecking order" in the family dynamic was firmly put in place when we were very young.

SF had to have the complete run of the house and his ablutions every morning whilst M wallowed in bed, or we'd get a punch in the head for simply wanting to use the bathroom. Peeing in the toy teapots or anything to hand became the norm. We had to sit at the dining table and watch this piece of filth with his nose about 6 inches from the plate, shovel in all the best of everything being the "breadwinner".

I am so angry my M never tried to protect us children from him or being complicit in enabling the abuse because we were always in the way.

I am seeking your thoughts as to how to stop mine from embarking on a downward spiral. I appreciate it's early days but boy does it hurt revisiting the memories, the denials and how the pair of them were apparently the true victims of their own faults/circumstances.

[moglow]

I'm so sorry you're hurting - I very much wish I had the magic words to resolve all this for you. I wonder if getting the anger out - whether at a batting cage, doing construction of some kind, shooting in a gun range, even whailing away at a hanging bag or pillow or rugs with a plastic kiddie bat - might help. Physically getting it out and screaming while you do it. Seems like there'd be a certain satisfaction (and a hell of a workout!) even if only for a while then you could go at it again. Better out than in, is what I'm thinking, get all the anger that's poisoning you OUT instead of turning it on yourself. And writing is always a good option - whether journaling or what have you. Write it out as much as you can and put it away for a while. Maybe go back months from now, see how far you've come.

This could well be part of the grieving process for you, maybe not for this loss but the finality of it. The loss of what might have been, mourning what you went through with her/them.

The bright spot? You're HERE! You're a survivor and you have so much to give. You may not see it now but I believe you will. Stop that spiral every chance you get - reach out for help when you need it and keep on reaching out.

[Ottile]

Thank you Moglow. I am in a bad place but you are right, I am here and have this wonderful opportunity to be heard, not dismissed or belittled.

I am angry but part of my psyche is to turn it inwards on myself, always has been. As the years go by I feel weaker emotionally, totally drained and at times quite simply I cannot cope with myself. At the present time I can't seem to find an "escape" to find some form of peace. I am a nervous wreck and have panic attacks.I feel utterly betrayed by what had to be endured. Despite having to live it I did not take it with me and repeat it, and at base level the parents as people absolutely disgusted me.

I've found some talking therapy has made me angrier and angrier to the point of being ashamed of my own tantrums. I do appreciate better out than in but I have shocked myself with verbal aggression I didn't know was there.

Perhaps a boxing club it is then!

Thank you so much for your kind words.

[Andeza]

I'm with moglow. A physical outlet like a sledgehammer on an old tire sounds appropriate in this instance to release the overwhelming burden of buried rage. Naturally it might not be a great thing to make a habit out of, but your body and brain are trying to come to grips that they're not going to get any closure concerning this egregious abuse from that woman because she's not here anymore.

Long term healing likely lies in finding someone that's familiar with trauma and learning how to live with the scars in order to help you. Some paths are best not walked alone.

[Srcyu]

I'd like to offer some insight and solidarity if I may.
I too felt nothing about NM's death. I still feel completely emotion free about it quite some years later (I'm not keeping count).
I also hold despicable memories in my brain. They come up, I feel them, they go down again. Another member here used the phrase, " throw them back down the well."  I like that.

When they die, a part of our brain thinks, "yes, but what about ......."  The death means there will be no new memories, so in a way - it is over. She has left behind the mis-treated daughter who will move on without her. We were betrayed, by people much lower down the kindness spectrum to put it mildly.

A forum like this will be able to help you untangle and therefore better understand why they treated us like that. Clarity is an enormous step forward and helps keep the rage in its box. Whenever you think, "why?" Bring it here and we will try to help.



milly

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello,

I can appreciate what you are going through right now. Is your therapist trauma informed? The reason I ask is because not all therapists are.

Healing from parental emotional abuse needs to go slowly because we are carrying so much. The anger can overwhelm us, which is not our fault. We need guidance and support when the anger has come up, because it is very powerful to feel the anger at what happened to us.

Trauma informed therapy will help you through the very legitimate anger you feel.

In his excellent book "Complex PTSD from Surviving to Thriving" Pete Walker has a chapter on flashback management. I think you might find it helpful since the memories are flooding back for you right now. I have found his tips are excellent, and I would highly recommend his book because he lays out a map for how to navigate the anger we feel.

I hope you take good care today,

Trees

[Ottile]

Very many thanks to each and every one - your replies in themselves mean so much and I will explore all the suggestions offered. I no longer feel I'm walking alone.

I had a very insightful conversation yesterday with a very good friend who asked me to stand back and really look at B the GC; their opinion was GC has been running the show since a. SF's death and b. our other bro's terrible change of disabling health and physical problems. GC is the gatekeeper to "protect and serve" needy/distressed M for his own ends and limiting access to this brother for me and the other sibling. It kinda makes sense. With me and GC and the LC building blocks, that has been suggested he was doing nothing more than paying lip service to the audience - me.  Said friend thinks it may be seen eventually in the finale GC has been playing us all. It sounds OTT cynical but look at the obit photos she said.  Only his family! Your GC B literally centre stage with his family, no other siblings, your M at the back, his MIL at the back, his wife at the back. Interesting take.

Again, many thanks just because.

[Boat Babe]

Dear Otille, no advice as your story is beyond my experience and I am just horrified. I just want to send you my very best wishes for deep and lasting healing. You so deserve it for breaking the chains of intergenerational abuse and showing up in life as a GOOD person. I wish you every good thing.

[sunshine702]

I save broken electronics in a box in a closet.  Then when needed I take them into the street and break them some more with a bat.  Office space style.  1 - it was already broke so I am not ruining anything that would set me further back and 2 I am kinda passive aggressive with electronics  in the first place.  So it feels good.

I am sorry what you are going through.  Try to take baby steps with the eating disorder.  Just one day at a time.  I get it.  Trauma turned inward.  This often leads to addiction problems.  I very well know:   Take care dear