The circle gets smaller

[goodenoughmary]

I am nevergoodenoughmary. I had a change of name.  Anyway,  I find now that I am old my circle of friends has gone to almost zero.  I consider all of you my friends, but the ones I've had a very long time, a lifetime really.... I just don't cope well with anymore.  The things I used to tolerate, I just can't anymore. Maybe I'm just a crumpy old woman..LOL!  I used to listen to one talk about men (she is married) and it made me uncomfortable, but now I just cant stand it!  She flirted quite often and I had to hear about it.  Shes the one who wont text me, but has "to hear my voice on the phone"  I just stopped dealing with her.

My cousin who I was close to moved and she just cut me out of her life. When I did chat in a message awhile back and tried to talk like we used to ( we shared everything about our life, good, bad, sad) she cut me off and said "you may not want to hear this but go get some help"  I was floored, shocked and very hurt.  It had been a chat like we had done our whole lives, a million times since we were kids. Of course as life changed and problems and hurts and sad things arose, we always shared everything!  I told her I didn't appreciate what she said! She was mean.  So there went that friend. Like I said I don't tolerate things well.   She wasn't trying to help, never heard another word.  She just did not want her life anymore to be about others.

Being an introvert I never had many friends but ones I had were special.  My step brothers wife told me yesterday that her circle is zero too.  I am chatting with her a bit and I try to be compassionate and caring. We need connection to others but there's a line  drawn at what we accept and don't. Age has changed me. I need peace and not so much childish stuff. The friend who wants to hear my voice is living in our teen years still. I cant cope.  I'm like a text to say love you, how are you,hows your kids and those sort of things which still say I care but don't have to feel like I'm 17 again

Maybe I am just old and cranky, but I need to follow my path now and live peaceful the last years. 70 soon, but I'm very active and plan to keep on keeping on

thanks for hearing my rant

[Srcyu]

People can be very mean. That said, I've found that my energy to "bother" with being sociable has vanished.
It could be linked to the lockdowns? I don't know, but being told repeatedly to "stay at home" has left its mark.

Sheer rudeness and unexpected nastiness is always a shock. Some people can be so unpleasant without any provocation. They choose victims who are unlikely to snap back. Bullies. There it is again, the bully word. It's rampant.

Now and then kind people do crop up and we should always try to be one of them, I guess.


milly

[Jolie40]

my neighbor/friend passed away in 2015
she was older than me & we'd talk outside all the time....she'd tell me about her grandkids/complain about her husband, lol

I have not found a new friend since then

there is a new "friendly" neighbor that I say hi to when she walks her new puppy
she has a new baby so I don't anticipate her having much time to talk but I'll try when weather gets nicer

SO tough to make new friends as we get older!

[countrygirl]

Hi goodenoughmary!   I applaud your name change!

I was just thinking  about you yesterday and wondering how you were doing. 

You have a great attitude about aging.  My father lived to be nearly a hundred, and continued to make friends.  I don't think we are ever too old to meet new people.  And now that you know what you will no longer tolerate, any new friends you make will treat you better than some of those you've described.

I recently had a very similar experience with my cousin.  She lives long distance, but has always said how much she loves me.  She called me during the holidays and we had a nice chat.  So, a few weeks ago, I thought I would check in with her.  I could tell she wasn't into it, and at one point she said,  "Has it been a long time since we talked?"  I could tell exactly what she meant by that:  We had talked over the holidays, so why was I calling her?   It had been over two months!!!  So I will not be calling her again.  It's sad, but "it is what it is."   I felt that we had an important bond, but I guess not.  If she does reach out, I would respond, but I will not be igniting anything from now on.   

I do think that as we get older, most of us don't have the time, energy or tolerance for bad behavior.  We've seen it before, and we don't want to repeat it. 

You are more than good enough for anybody, and the really important thing is that I you now know that!   

[Aingeal]

I noticed friends starting to slip away as I wised up to selfish narcs in my life - I didn't realize that the people outside my toxic family were toxic too   It was a whole new level of awakening for me.  To be honest I had fake friends or frenemies in my life.   You know, the friend who only calls when they want something, the friend who only calls to talk about themselves (and rushes off the phone when you try to talk about your little life). 

It almost seems like the friend narcs in my life could sense a change in me - in my attitude, the zero tolerance for selfish entitled people in my life.  They say someone who doesn't add to your life doesn't belong in your life.  When you clean your closet you must clear out the old clothes that don't suit you anymore to make room for the new ones - same with friends.  You have to lose the old toxic ones to make room for the new healthy ones. 

Take your time, watch for red flags and only let the healthy friends in your inner circle.  Yes, it takes longer to make friends as we get older (not the same social dynamic as high school/college) but it's surprising how many potential friends are out there when we're exercising or practicing a hobby.  You seem to me to be a lovely person I'm sure it's just a matter of time and timing before you refill your "friend closet" with great people 

[notrightinthehead]

I also found that my social circle got smaller, basically down to zero, when I decided I would insist on reciprocity. I forbade myself to make more than one attempt at getting together,  call more often than the other person, listen for hours to stories without getting a word in. I feared I would become a hermit and forced myself to have one social contact per day. I started to have small chats at the supermarket, gym, walking the dogs. Against my nature and lifelong habits, I stayed a while after an acitvity and exchanged a few words with others. These were non-committal small exchanges, yet they allowed me to feel connected. They also allowed me to get to know some people I saw more regularly a little bit. So I learned who held strong opinions or talked non-stop rather quickly and could steer clear of them. I also found a few people I felt drawn to.  Slowly I have built a small circle of acquaintances,  not friends really, but people I can have coffee or dinner with, go shopping or to movies even, promising.

Don't give up! You might not make that friendship that you long for straight away.  Keep on your path to health. And that includes slowly building healthy connections. With the emphasis on slowly. Ready to move on immediately when something does not work for you.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hello Goodenough. I can relate to this. My circle is also very small. 

Like you, I am no longer going to be the only one who carries friendships anymore. As you state, with others I mostly feel like they do all the talking. My role is to absorb whatever they toss out there. I am interrupted frequently and sometimes notice their eyes glaze over if I talk, and I know they are not listening. On occasion I have stopped talking mid-sentence, and they do not even notice. They just start blabbing away again. I sometimes wonder how I ever connected to these people. I guess there is no need to waste time missing such 'friendships'.       
 
You said "Maybe I am just old and cranky, but I need to follow my path now and live peaceful the last years. 70 soon, but I'm very active and plan to keep on keeping on." I do not think you are cranky. I say good for you!!  Perhaps you are seeing with new clarity what is best for you moving forward, and it is not the path you have been on. I think changes like that are significant. Be gentle with yourself. I think it is good to have the primary focus on your wellbeing. When you are in a good place, I think it is easier to identify those who support you too. I also believe the quality of the relationships that occupy space in our life is what matters most.

Sending you my support.