Child neglect (medical, hygiene, etc.)

[easterncappy]

(I want to start this off by saying that I am sorry for not replying to everyone's thoughtful responses in other threads that I have posted. I feel bad that I've done that a lot recently. Each reply is read and appreciated, I promise.)

Since I had my daughter I have had a lot of "WTF?" moments thinking back to my childhood since I cannot wrap my mind around some of the reasoning I was given for things.

One example is that my mom would just let me fall asleep with a bottle or sippy cup of milk or juice. Pediatricians have been advising against this... pretty much since the inventions of bottles and sippy cups? Because it ruins a child's teeth. But I've come to realize that she did it not out of ignorance, but because it was easier than taking the time to properly settle me for bed. I spend an hour or so settling my daughter for bed each night and I can't imagine taking a shortcut that will affect her health for the rest of her life.

She also never bothered to brush my teeth. This is embarrassing to admit, but I only developed the habit myself when I was old enough to think "huh, this is kind of weird". When I asked her why, she told me "oh, you just never wanted to". WTF? As a parent I now know that even if my daughter doesn't want to do something that absolutely must be done, it's up to me to find a creative and gentle solution to get it done. I cannot fathom the idea of ignoring pediatrician's advise and not having her brush her teeth until she is almost 10 years old just because I don't want to deal with a fussy child.

My teeth are also in absolutely terrible shape because of all of this, despite consistently taking care of them since... figuring out by myself that I have to. She blames it on a UTI I had as a baby (there is no connection between a UTI and dental health) rather than her own neglect.

There were many other instances where she chose child neglect over having to deal with a temper tantrum or crying. One other example being that she would just load me up with sweet and unhealthy foods from as early as I could remember. I developed a weight problem by 1st grade - when asked why, "oh, but you wanted that stuff - and you wouldn't let me tell you no". You would think I was some horrible hellion of a child from how often she told me that I "wouldn't let her say no", but she also would use food as a way to get me to leave her alone. Besides, what kind of an adult lets a 2 year old dictate things like teeth brushing and their diet? Much like the teeth brushing... the habits improved tremendously when I was old enough to make educated decisions and understood cause and effect. Hmm - sounds more like *she* didn't want to do the right thing, not me.

I would understand if she was saying some of this of a teenager or even a bigger kid. But she made me out to be responsible for bad things happening when I was literally either still in diapers or just out of them - as if i was anywhere near the same level as her, an adult who has a developed brain and can think these things through.

There are so many memories I have that effectively boil down to "she just wanted me to shut up and leave her alone" or "she picked the easier route knowing it would be bad for me because she didn't care enough".

I look at my daughter and cry sometimes thinking of these things. I have already made mistakes, and I will make many more, but this stuff is just pure malice... a mistake is not intentional. This was.

[easterncappy]

This is somewhat related but not really. I need to go to bed soon I feel like I am not even typing straight, lol.

When I was a teenager, I was very depressed - I recognize it as depression now. There was a point where I just sat at home playing video games and did not shower for 2 weeks. If you asked my husband, he would say that is absolutely unlike me - I am crazy about hygiene now. But back then, I didn't see the point in anything. I now know this is because of my home life at the time, probably the worst time in my life with my parents.

My mom couldn't care less about *why*. I just got chewed out about how disgusting and terrible I am. I got mocked. Literally teased as if they were high school bullies. Now I know that if my daughter ever grows up to have a depressive funk this bad then I am going to try my best to get to the bottom of it... I cannot imagine mocking my child for doing something that clearly indicates "something is wrong". No one doesn't shower for 2 weeks because everything in their life is so awesome.

A few weeks ago there was a little boy at my church who used to help out during the service, but doesn't enjoy it anymore. He was in the library where I go to feed my baby during the service and he told me that he just feels sick, his head hurts, he wants to throw up, and generally complaining about this responsibility (which he was previously excited about months ago). We talked for a bit about how it's possible that he is anxious about it because he doesn't want to do it anymore, and it just feels like this miserable chore, but that it's okay to tell his dad and the priest that he'd rather not do it anymore, no one will be upset at him and he'll feel a lot better. And it reminded me of all of the times I was anxious or depressed as a child, only for me to get yelled at, told I have no reason to feel this way, and told that I'm making up stories.

I am not saying all of this to paint myself as a good person... I have my problems. I am only trying to illustrate how easy it is to not assume the worst of children, and to take their feelings into consideration. Even with my issues, I am always thinking of how these little helpless people need us to be happy and comfortable... how did my mother just not care at all?

[Leonor]

Hi Eastern,

What you are going through is very common in new mommies on a healing path. It's like a whole new dimension of feeling and insight and awareness opens in you ... it's an awesome (in all senses of that word) thing, because you need access to that level of consciousness to foster a little precious soul into being.

But that means you are thrown open to all of it: all the feelings and thoughts and awareness and experience you have access to, including - especially - your own. And that is exactly when a lot of us start to say, "WTF?!?!"

And, yep, I have wonky teeth and was went to school unwashed and my clothes never fit ... all part of a general neglect that hurts my heart.

There's a term for what you're experiencing now, though, EC, "flooding." It's when CPTSD survivors have all these memories and connections being made in their consciousness without really creating safe space and boundaries for themselves to navigate them. As a new mommy, you are especially vulnerable to flooding, because your body is in this massive hormonal shift and you are sleep deprived. The physiological stress of new motherhood and the psychological stress of healing pack a powerful punch that can snowball right into postpartum depression, so don't play around here.

Are you in therapy with a trauma specialist? If so, great! If not, find one. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you don't have time or it's selfish or you don't have the resources. Do it for Baby, because she needs a healthy Mommy. This is an opportunity to break the cycle of neglect, by not neglecting your health.

[treesgrowslowly]

 

I also was told that this is common for new parents who are on the healing path. We get flooded with memories of our childhood and how we were treated / dealt with.

Therapist support at this time can be really really helpful. Don't be afraid to ask for counselling sessions that are specific to what you are experiencing right now. Some therapists know about this and some do not.

From earlier posts you mentioned that your therapist has helped you sort out some of the traits and behaviours your parents had, and which PD they probably possess. This is great, but it is not focused on you. You will very likely benefit from some sessions that focus on what you are feeling, and how to manage the flashbacks when they happen.

What I wish I had at that time, was to walk through this and actually practice it with my T in real time. To set up a scenario and say ok let's walk through how you feel at the start of the flashback, and then what you feel and are you wanting to scream or cry or what. I think that having a T validate all of it would be very helpful.

I also think it would help to validate how the flashbacks are not your fault. This is a process in the mind / brain, to do with memories it holds. Try not to feel bad when you have a flashback. They can come on at the strangest times.

Crying is seen as a good thing in this context, it is much better to have a good cry that helps you 'purge' some of the cortisol out of your nervous system, than to hold it in.

I'll post an article in the 'other media' section, about the benefits of crying as we work with our PTSD.

Hugs to you Easterncappy.

Trees

[Srcyu]

Your child is lucky to have a good mother. A "proper" mother, something that you never had.
I wasn't allowed to be clean during my teen years. Hot water was restricted and clean clothes and other essentials not provided. Then I was complained about for being scruffy.

My children were properly cared for like yours.

Can I please zoom in on the part about the boy at the church? I feel a bit uneasy about it. The question of why he no longer wants to do it is really, really important. Telling the priest himself that he wishes to stop could be scary for him.


milly

[hhaw]

I second windmill's concern regarding church boy.

[easterncappy]

Your child is lucky to have a good mother. A "proper" mother, something that you never had.
I wasn't allowed to be clean during my teen years. Hot water was restricted and clean clothes and other essentials not provided. Then I was complained about for being scruffy.

My children were properly cared for like yours.

Can I please zoom in on the part about the boy at the church? I feel a bit uneasy about it. The question of why he no longer wants to do it is really, really important. Telling the priest himself that he wishes to stop could be scary for him.


milly

Oh, it just happens. Little kids enjoy it for a while, then they realize they'd rather be outside playing with their friends. No one really minds. It's a helping position that mostly involves handing items to the priest or silently reading a list of names that people want prayed for. It gets boring quickly. I am close to the family as well as the priest and his wife, he's definitely not scary. Although I can imagine that a 8 year old might not agree, lol. This boy outright told me he finds it boring once. "I want to do it (translation: "I feel like I'm expected to", which isn't true - I've talked to his dad and the priest and neither of them expect him to do it if he doesn't want to), but it's boring! (translation: "I don't want to do it"). The issue has been resolved since.

My husband and I are really close to the boy's oldest brother who is our age. This is a very small ethnic community lol. I know the dad has a bit of a stricter parenting style and high aspirations for his kids, but it's more in the "not the best parenting style" bucket rather than the "outright abusive" bucket to me. So perhaps there was a bit of an element of "my dad would be proud of me if I did this... oh wait it's actually terrible and I hate doing it!".

[Leonor]

Hi Eastern,

Trauma therapist?

[Srcyu]

Thank you easterncappy, my radar had been twitching there.


milly

[Liketheducks]

I feel this deeply.   When my son was born, I had many WTAF moments.   I just couldn't fathom how someone would allow much of what happened to me as a kid.

In fact, I've been siting on a grand jury.    We've been review SO many child cruelty and neglect cases.   It is really hard seeing events that occurred in my childhood happening to other children now - and weird to know that those events would prompt felony convictions.   I'm glad that times have changed to protect children more, but it is really difficult not to get triggered over it.