When mothers treat female children worse than male children

[JenniferSmith]

In my FOO, as the only girl, I was treated far, far worse by my mother. I have many distinct memories of how my mother would never stand up for me when my brothers were teaming up against me, and just a general sense of how they were favored.   

My parents divorced, and then while I was in college, my enDad got together with a woman whose primary target was me, yet again.  She wanted all of his kids out of their life, but I was the biggest threat.  Over the years, her attitude towards my brothers softened while she maintained a singular rejecting attitude toward me.

Many women in our society are speaking out about the way they are treated by men, and its good that is happening. But in my life experience, the people who have caused the most pain and damage have been women.

It makes me wonder about the reason for this. Is a female child seen as a threat in a way that a male child is not? Perhaps there is some projection of undesired aspects of themselves being put onto the female child?  I know certain cultures can place more value on male children. My mother comes from one of those, but she grew up without any brothers herself, so I'm not exactly sure how it got passed down to her.

I'm curious to hear from others who had this aspect to their FOO.

[Aeon]

Well, with my unPDM she seemed to see males as being the protectors and the source of money. My brother was groomed at a very early age as her dad replacement. I only realize this later in life as I see them now with him supporting her and his wife basically spending most of her time as her caregiver. In my childhood I just assumed she thought I was useless and stupid (or something like that).
What should have given me a clue, I think, about what was really going on was that just about the only advice she ever bothered to give me was, "Become a stewardess and marry a rich man." I took that as her having no faith in me what-so-ever but it might have been that she just didn't see me as the source of attention and money that she was looking for. As I think back she also had a bit of a mental breakdown (this is how it was described to me later as a child) and she called up my Dad and my older brother, who was in the second grade at the time. It seemed like a slight to me but now I see it as just the start of her letting my brother know that he was there for her, no matter the age.
In general she had no use for me and my only semi-positive interaction with her was when I was allowed to brush her hair. Other than that she cut my nails so close that they hurt and constantly belittled my appearance. None of successes where ever as good as my bothers even if they were better was the regular message from her.
Just my experience.

[moglow]

JS, my experience as the only girl [three brothers] is similar to yours. Daddy's explanation was that she's jealous, and I can see that now. She went from the baby girl of her large family and having no rules no boundaries no responsibilities, to marriage then mother with a few short years [largest age difference is between me and older brother, not quite two years].

My guess is, she deeply resented attention shifting from her to her children. She disliked compliments about us [unless they directly complimented her parenting] and turned always them around into something negative. Family gatherings were a nightmare until they dwindled down to nothing and we were isolated from them. Even when we were older and family gathered for funerals, she was constantly interrupting our conversations with aunts/uncles and refocusing back to herself. There was inevitably some meltdown where everyone was supposed to appease her and make everything all better for her, no recognition that everyone there had lost that loved one. It was/is all about her, always.

Mother was/is a violent person - physically, verbally, emotionally violent - and her rages came out of nowhere. I likened her to a pressure cooker, where she had to let that release valve go or she'd explode, except she always exploded anyway over the most trivial and invented "problems." There was never explanation or apology for any of it, blame was firmly applied to whoever was most convenient and I was a regular target. She seemed to delight in tearing me down, even to including my brothers in her spiteful mocking of me. She got some kind of charge out of divide and conquer, and far from wanting us to be friends, she worked to separate my brothers and me from each other. She knew enough to realize they were my safety net and that pitting us against each other would tear me down faster than anything,

So yeah, I'm going with jealousy. Over your own children, how sick is that??

[Liketheducks]

My mom checked out of raising my male siblings.   She just didn't engage with them.   They struggled as a result.   At that point, my parents were separated.   My dad wasn't involved and my mom became a work-a-holiday.   My brothers essentially raised themselves.   She was gone 18+ hours a day.   By then, I was out of the house and putting myself through college.

But, there were many expectations on me.     To the point where other family members pressured me to drop out of university to help raise my brothers.   There is also an expectation for me to be the glue that holds our family together - though I'm not sure that it a NPD thing, but more of a societal expectation.   I have a perception that people hold me at fault if I don't suck it up and deal with the PD parts of my family - but it is acceptable for my brothers to go NC.

I can sympathize with the resentment of attention shifting from her to me as a child.   Those things that I excelled in suddenly weren't available to me.   If I excelled her at dance, I could no longer get dance classes.   There is always a refocusing to herself when we get together.   And, a really not so thinly veiled jealousy.     A lot of jealousy.   That, and a little bit of glee when I went through life's challenges.   In my mind, the expectation is that I fix everything and everyone - but no one is there for me when I need it.

[SonofThunder]

My quick opinion is that PD Mothers (like most PD's) have no real sense of 'Self', therefore:

-PD mothers fabricate a desired self that is a displayed facade to outside-the-home relationship circles 3-5.

-In the home relationship circles 1 (spouse) and 2 (children) see the harsh real PD behaviors, not the facade. 

-Little girls are groomed to be a 'mini-me' of the PD mother.

-Little boys are not groomed to be a 'mini-me' of the mother. 

When little girls get old enough to start displaying behaviors that are opposite of the grooming-training, PD mothers become increasingly focused on the girl's behaviors and how those behaviors (and the girl herself) reflect on the mother's facade reputation in those outside circles 3-5. 

Therefore the PD mother's grooming traits get increasingly harsh as the girl gets older, because the daughters reflection on the mother is getting amplified. The PD mother's hyper-focus gets more intense as the girl ages into her teens and also beyond, as the 'mini-me' takes further shape from little girl to adult woman.  'Self' is the foundational motive.

I write these simply from my experiences raising my children and from others I know with a PD wife/mother.  I also experienced harsh treatment in a similar manner from my uNPDfather for the exact same reasons, imo.

SoT

[Liketheducks]

-Little girls are groomed to be a 'mini-me' of the PD mother.

SoT

SO MUCH YES here.   I was "ok" with mom as long as I was just like her.   

[doglady]

Son of Thunder, you have totally nailed it.
This was my exact experience as a young girl and teen growing up with my hyper critical mother. Appearances were everything and no deviations from mother's strictures were permitted, right down to acceptable grooming, hairstyles, dress codes, religious and political views, and ways of interacting.
And I agree with you that the same process is evident with NPD fathers towards their sons.

[SonofThunder]

Its sad that we children of same-gender PD parents, experience what we do, but at the same time, learning that it "wasn't me" but was the PD parent's insecurities; their lack of a true self; their inability to truly 'love', that guided my experiences with my PD parent.

In my experiences, realizing this is so confirming and relieving and such a powerful motivator for self-protection to the full extend of my ethical capabilities, when dealing with my uNPDf.

SoT

[NarcKiddo]

There are only daughters in my FOO so I don't know how my mother would have been with a son. But I know she desperately wanted one, although she always pretends it is our father who only wanted sons.

My husband has 2 younger sisters. He tells me his mother was awful to him but she was worse to them. Physically violent until he was old enough to hit back. She continued mistreating the daughters, who never got the size or the guts to hit back,  and he struggled a lot with the fact that he could not protect them.

[easterncappy]

I agree with what the other commenters have said... I hate to repeat the cliche but it really is due to jealousy. Most PD people have a problem with understanding the boundaries of different kinds of relationships, seeing children as anything but mini-adults, etc. and a lot of PD mothers and stepmothers will view their own daughters as "competition" from a very young age.

Sometimes I think that one element of why my mom treated me poorly was that she grew up with a mom who hated kids, viewed her as competition, acted like she was responsible for abuse she endured, etc. and thus her mental schema about little girls was that they are bad and terrible and trying to "steal your man" or whatever. She'd often get jealous at really stupid things like my dad complimenting my cooking. And she loved to put me down - she was raised to think she was worthless, and it made her feel better to make someone else feel worthless.

I know my mom was also obsessed with being young. Entire life spend on anti-aging products despite being a heavy smoker, always fishing for compliments about how young she looked, etc. and always reacting to normal experiences of my youth with this over-the-top offense. Her hatred for me really got amplified when I started to get periods, which she wasn't getting anymore. Personally I cannot relate... I love getting old, lmao.

My aunt, also PD but haven't figured out which kind lol, was the only girl in a family that had multiple children... her whole life was spend desperately seeking the validation of her mom. Her brothers were mostly deadbeat losers and even treated their mom with violence... my aunt was the only one who did not behave this way to her. Yet, the brothers were still favored. Sometimes it's a nasty cultural preference for male children - not that you are a bad parent for having a preference but when an entire culture says "sons are better than daughters", many daughters will probably be treated terribly.

I also agree with the "mini-me" sentiment. Sometimes it felt like my mom only "liked" (using that term loosely because my life was hell even then) me when I was too little to "defy" her like by having different opinions, hobbies, lifestyle choices, etc. And she would always tell me I'm not being "true to myself" and "this isn't really you" if I was a teenager or young adult and made different decisions than she would have. Sometimes it did work - I thought that the things that were making me happy weren't *really* making me happy, because surely she must know me better than anyone else does... but it was just an attempt to force me back into being "mini-me".

[NotCryingGlitter]

She always has to be the center of attention and can't stand it being on someone else, especially the girl, who she's trying to live through...and if that girl says no and is not the robot she wants her to be, she becomes outraged. It's easier to target and/or attempt to live through the same gender, hence all the physical appearance criticisms (weight, makeup, clothes, etc.).

In some cases, she may have grown up with a family member who was the center of attention, even if it was for bad things.

[Aeon]

NotCrying

Hmmm, do you think that's why most of the presents that I got where things that she liked? For example she loved velour and bright red so I got shirts that I hated and usually ended up giving to her. I haven't thought about it much since just her remembering my birthday was a big event, usually.

[Liketheducks]

Gifts she wanted, favorite foods, favorite colors, organizing the kitchen in a specific way......etc.   It was if I never had an opinion of my own.   And woe be to me if I demonstrated that opinion in contrary to hers.     I was raised to be my mother's mini me.   I'm just differentiating in my fifties.    She will feign interest in that and then shift the focus back onto herself.

[NotCryingGlitter]

NotCrying

Hmmm, do you think that's why most of the presents that I got where things that she liked? For example she loved velour and bright red so I got shirts that I hated and usually ended up giving to her. I haven't thought about it much since just her remembering my birthday was a big event, usually.

The gifts are a way of extending the symbolism of control. Taking time to research a certain item, letting them know THIS is the item that best fits what I need after a lot of research, and then receiving another item that probably cost more than the one you requested...and getting blasted for questioning why they didn't listen about the desired item, with the item being returned to the store, given no choice to keep it just because of the questioning, which was justified because of everything they knew ahead of time about the extensive hours of research (and how many times you've told them which one) that was now wasted. It's purposefully not getting what you requested, to show that you don't have control.

Gifts like receiving money, only to be told it was given to be used to pay a bill that they already promised to pay for, when money is given to others the same night, for them to use however they choose...or special gifts are given to them, and money you can't even use for yourself is literally "thrown" in a bag -- which is also a way for them to verbally justify in front of everybody why you have the least number of gifts vs. everyone. Although, sometimes they will just tell you that you are getting less than everybody else because they already bought you clothes or toothpaste or whatever other necessity, even if it was months ago. You could be in a store just needing a new pair of shoes, because your main ones are literally worn out and, to remind you that you can't afford to buy it yourself, they will only be bought with the condition that it will count towards your birthday or Christmas gift, and you are warned that won't be getting much, if anything else, on those days...months down the road from then.

Sometimes, it's giving something that you need (like undergarments) in front of everyone, not even privately and/or because of financial struggles, but to humiliate you, while you watch everyone else get special or expensive gifts. The humiliation can often be related to employment -- since you are having employment struggles, which they despise, you are not entitled to a special gift like everyone else, because they are employed.

Gift cards may be given not because they want you to enjoy the gift, but as a way to either control what store you buy from/what you buy, to avoid buying you something you want, or to highlight that you are impossible to buy for -- which is just a way of them saying that they don't care enough to get to know the real you/care about what you like. These are your parents, not an acquaintance, so they don't have an excuse not to attempt to get to know who you are on the inside. This is not a co-worker gift. On top of that, you will watch them give gifts to siblings and other family members that match who that person is, even if they are around those people less than you.

Everything, even gifts, is about control. They are to fall under their criteria or opinion, which is usually the opposite of yours, and when those gifts are justifiably questioned, it gives the parents a chance to verbalize how ungrateful you are and rant about how much they have done for you...and maybe, with all they have done for you, YOU could have gotten THEM a better gift.

[Andeza]

Honestly this happens both ways. In DHs family he got treated worse, largely due to undiagnosed autism we suspect. But also due to his mother deciding early in his life that he would be the dutiful child that she would raise up to be her caretaker in old age. That backfired spectacularly.

I was an only child, by comparison, and I was expected to be the mini-me to my ubpdm. She didn't like/allow differences of opinion, and even fought me about which degree I was going for in college. She wanted me to teach, like she did, and I had no interest. She was a horrible teacher, why the heck would I want to do that?

I suspect that this poor treatment depends largely on which child the PD individual has chosen to be their old age golden parachute plan, as the most abused is more likely to struggle getting away. But it can and does backfire spectacularly.

[Jolie40]

PD parent once gave me a journal for a birthday

thing is it was her journal! she had written in most of it
on a few pages, she expressed gratitude for her kids & then EXTRA gratitude for my only brother
(there were several of us girls in family)

at first, I thought that I should give the journal to my brother since there was SO much gushing over him!

[SonofThunder]

PD parent once gave me a journal for a birthday

thing is it was her journal! she had written in most of it
on a few pages, she expressed gratitude for her kids & then EXTRA gratitude for my only brother
(there were several of us girls in family)

at first, I thought that I should give the journal to my brother since there was SO much gushing over him!

Imo, the Golden Child is a both a tool to manipulate the true focus of the PD (imo you 'mini-me' girls) and also to have at least one child who will validate the greatness of the PD parent.  Darkness is defined as the absence of light.  In the glow of the GC light, it passive-aggressively defines the PD-perceived darkness of the other children.

SoT

[bloomie]

JenniferSmith - what an interesting discussion you have started. Thank you.

Favoritism is deadly to the human heart and divisive within systems. Family, work, communities and such. I am so thankful we are talking about it here. Reading through the responses and experiences of others has been helpful and offers many insights.

In my FOO the boys were the favored, god-like creatures to my disordered and mentally ill mother.  There was no doubt and never any attempt to disguise the favor and regard she had for them. It was a recreation of my mother's FOO experience. The boys were golden. Nothing was expected of them but to fulfill their golden destinies.  The girls were there to serve, stay in their place, never outshine the mother/father and when we girls got old enough to self differentiate we had better choose a slightly tarnished, dumbed down version of our mother in every way.

Girls in my FOO were also meant to be a source of entertainment and intrigue. And the older we got the more rivalrous and vindictive my mother became. She didn't like or trust other women, in general, but did have two hangers-on type friends who were drawn to the high drama that was my mother. Both friends were slightly tarnished versions of her and huge sources of gossip and the holder of all of my mother's secrets - which were many. Men were to complete the outward image that SOT describes. To adore and provide. Something a woman must get as soon as possible and guard from other women who would take our man away. 

With grandchildren, the favoritism continued with all of my brother's children, both male and female, favored as golden.

My father went right along with all of it. I believe he saw it and tacitly approved as he was the golden male child in his FOO. So, things were as they should be for him.

In my in law family it is most certainly favoritism toward whichever child is best emulating uNMil or putting on the best appearance that reflects well on her. It has always been a shifting of favor back and forth and since DH has come Out of the FOG, favor has shifted permanently to his female sibling who plays a very sly game of appearing to mimic all of mil's valued life choices. Sil lives a double life for the sake of finally having her mother's full favor. And it is very sad to see her chase that favor to the detriment of her own development and the harm she has brought to the family member's necks she has stepped on as she climbs a ladder of dirty tricks to bask in her mother's golden gaze. 

The corrosive nature of favoritism to safety, unity, cohesiveness as a family cannot be adequately measured. The destruction to sibling bonds, to our ability to break away and free ourselves, the potential stunting of the expression of our true selves, nature, beliefs, interests, the sabotaging of our talents and abilities that may be similar to our uPD parents to keep us in a step down position... all of it, so destructive.

To be valued less for inexplicable reasons... our hair color, who we may look like, our gender, our lack of potential supply or source of servitude. The capriciousness of being valued more for some of those same things or for innate talents and abilities, personalities, nature, interests, financial status or religious and/or political beliefs. Whether favored or out of favor it reduces us all to objects. The ultimate, toxic objectification of human souls during our most vulnerable and formative seasons of life. 

To rise up out of that and break what are often generational cycles of this dark and deadly specter over family systems... as we are all doing.. what a hope filled gift. To ourselves and others!

[Srcyu]

Mine once announced that she had, " two useless daughters." The clue lies there I think.

They have expectations of their daughters on the home front while expecting nothing from the sons due to them being male. My bpd turned a blind eye to her male child's bad behaviour. Yet she turned her full flood lights on the daughters.

They are full of bullying spite basically, yet they don't dare try that on with their sons.



milly

[Hattie]

I think it's also because NMums want their daughters to mother THEM, which obviously you can't when you are a child. My granny was emotionally absent, so my therapist says my mum looked to me to fill that gap. And when I couldn't, she'd then criticise and belittle me.

Whereas she didn't have that expectation of my brothers, so she was easier on them.

I agree with what the other posters have said about jealousy also