Feeling pressured and judged

[Kitbit]

I had a bad experience with my exnpd with whom there are mutual elements of our lives in common. Harsh and hurtful words, domineering behaviour in an already stressful situation. This happens on occasion when I’m unable to maintain MC. Usually I can manage. But I saw a friend afterward and they were very judgmental about why I would put up with this and not extricate myself. Very judgmental - and in addition to the highly stressful situation I was now feeling judged and pressured to make major life changes. I just wanted to share my feelings with a supportive friend, but it became even more negative for me as I’m not ready or able to make these huge changes at this time. I also felt blamed for the argument as if it was my fault for even being there to begin with. I ended up feeling way worse and now feel bad about the friendship. Any advice?

[bloomie]

Kitbit - It is hard enough to have gone through a stressful situation without someone we trusted to support us adding more confusion and pain to the circumstances. I am sad this is what you are going through.

I have found it is very hard for some to support and listen, honor where we are at, and not offer advice or admonition. Our choices can be frustrating for those that care about us. Just like theirs can for us. You are the only one who knows what is best for you and your relationships.

My best advice is to do what you have already done... reach out for support to those who do understand that difficult relationships can be very complicated and tricky to navigate. We stay in contact for many reasons. Often, we never extricate ourselves completely and we live with a certain amount of harsh words and disrespect because there are other people and factors involved. It is up to us when we have reached a saturation point and it is up to us to know when to change our level of engagement.

Another gentle thought is that we might feel like something was our fault, but we can work through those feelings and support ourselves with the facts and let the feelings go after they have done the good work in our life they were meant to.

A helpful place to begin for me was to spend some time learning what my feelings were telling me. The best resource I know to do that is Karla McLaren's Language of emotions. Here is a link to dive into as you process your feelings around both the initial bad experience and then the tone deaf 'support' of your friend.

https://karlamclaren.com/blog/
You will see to the right a list of emotions that take you to an article breaking down the messages of each. I hope that is of practical help and that you know you are heard here! Let us know how you are doing!

[notrightinthehead]

So you got it twice! First from your ex, then from your friend. That's why sometimes it feels so lonely to walk the path we are on, some well meaning other people think they know so much better than we do what should be done. And maybe they do. And maybe not. We can only do the best we can.
I have in the past tried to vent my anger unfiltered on friends and that has not worked well for me, I came on too strong, was too much, so now I try to get my emotions in order first before I tell my story. And sometimes I don't even need to talk about it anymore because I sorted it out with myself already.
It's all a learning experience. Now you know that this particular friend might not be the best person to turn to when you are very upset. She might be a wonderful person in other ways. Hopefully you find a better suited person next time you need to vent, or you write all your anger down, go for a long walk and restore your inner balance first before you see that friend. Because you don't need that double whammy.

[Kitbit]

Thanks for these responses which mean so much. I was feeling vulnerable with my friend, and sad. What experienced was judgement when what I needed was compassion. Unfortunately timing was not on my side in this situation due to when we met, with no time to restore balance based on a pre-arranged meeting. I appreciate your saying that this is a lonely path. It sure is! Sometimes it's hard to be so guarded, and I just want to get it out about the xnpd. Other times I wish no one knew anything because I do feel shame about some of what I endure.

Follow-up question: would anyone advise confronting my friend about their actions and how they affected me, or just accept that I can't trust being vulnerable in certain situations with them?

[bloomie]

Follow-up question: would anyone advise confronting my friend about their actions and how they affected me, or just accept that I can't trust being vulnerable in certain situations with them?

Something I have learned to ask myself when faced with this kind of question is: 'would it be productive?'.

A lot depends upon how close this friendship is. Is this a person who you have a deep, reciprocal relationship with? Would it bring you a sense of peace to address it even if your friend doesn't receive it very well?

Is it possible, rather than to confront, to go in curious? If the opportunity arises, to ask questions about their response to you and offer what you were experiencing in the moment and what you were looking for. 

Sometimes, as friends we can get over protective on behalf of each other and that can come out in ways that signal what someone 'should' do or 'should' feel. It is definitely crossing a boundary and too harsh, but it happens in close friendships if we are not careful. An eg.  I have one friend who has a toxic sibling who treats her terribly and this friend stays in close and gets hurt time and again to 'not give up on her sister' in ways I simply would never allow in my own life. It is all I can do to zip it and only offer support for her when she shares, once again, how she has been hurt. So, I get both sides of this in a way. I hope that makes sense?

Finding a way to kindly express that you have to find the best way forward for you and hope this person can understand that and support you is not out of line. It is a matter of you weighing the risks/benefits of addressing it and doing what is productive and best for you.

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with Bloomie. Are there other issues with this friend or were they frustrated because they were looking forward to a nice time with you and instead got you all upset and angrily talking about your ex and what he has done this time? How much does this friendship mean to you?
Confronting people about what they did wrong has never worked well for me. Looking at my own behaviour, trying to understand how that might make others feel, and looking inward to know how I feel  about them has helped me a lot to move forward.

[Kitbit]

Hi - just to clarify there was no anger expressed on my part during this interaction with my friend. I think that got confused, either in my original post or a subsequent response. I was just expressing sadness and was disappointed after I shared my pain to receive criticism rather than compassion. From what I’ve read it’s common for women in difficult/toxic etc.  relationships to be condemned by outsiders for staying. It’s difficult for others to comprehend why they stay. In fairness maybe it is hard to hear about someone choosing to stay in a situation where they are being harmed.

I did feel upset after the encounter with my friend because I thought they might be supportive about my emotions rather than harshly judgmental. If there was any anger it was coming *at* me rather than *from* me. If they had been able to encourage me and help me feel supported emotionally I think it would have helped a lot more. As it is I just felt judged and even more alone afterward.

[emberablo]

I'm going through my own stuff of course... and it might be too soon for me to give input, but id like to share my thoughts.

Sometimes friends arent always great at being supportive and having great responses for difficult situations like this.
I think they wanted to provide honest input, but their opinion doesnt fit to handle your feelings and your concerns.

(Im guessing) Your friend isnt a professional. and you mightve had too high of an expectation of them to be informative. They may not have all the information youre trying to convey. And maybe theyve got their own things on their mind...

Hopefully you dont let it get to you, and you dont think less of your friend. Not everyone can handle deep internal feelings of others. Especially when youre expecting comfort and they want to give or think you want their brutally honest opinion.

Being able to handle a hurt person is not something everyone can do. Physically, emotionally, or mentally... it's takes empathetic knowledge that some people just don't have that experience to empathize with.

[bloomie]

From what I've read it's common for women in difficult/toxic etc.  relationships to be condemned by outsiders for staying. It's difficult for others to comprehend why they stay. In fairness maybe it is hard to hear about someone choosing to stay in a situation where they are being harmed.

I did feel upset after the encounter with my friend because I thought they might be supportive about my emotions rather than harshly judgmental. If there was any anger it was coming *at* me rather than *from* me. If they had been able to encourage me and help me feel supported emotionally I think it would have helped a lot more. As it is I just felt judged and even more alone afterward.

Kitbit, finding anger and judgment coming at you when you expected support and a listening ear is very painful. I am sorry this is stinging and left you feeling even more isolated. I hope you have someone else you can share your heart and hurts with that will handle those most precious things with tenderness and compassion.

And I hope you will keep sharing here. This way of communicating is challenging as we are only seeing a glimpse into a situation, but know that as we ask clarifying questions and seek to understand we care and are doing what we know to support you.

Have you heard from this friend since you shared and how are you doing with processing your encounter?

[Kitbit]

Thank you for these updates. As I continue to process, I think I was giving an opportunity for my friend to be present for me, and respond empathetically, but they weren't capable of it. Somewhere in there was understanding, but it came out as judgment on me and how it was my fault for putting myself in the line of fire. This happened on one occasion quite a while ago, so to me it is a sign that talking about that stuff with this person is not going to go well for me. I also wonder if there are some npd traits in play from their end. It is often hard to get a word in edgewise, there is some attention-seeking behaviour, and the friendship sometimes feels lopsided. I appreciate the comment that empathetic listening is a rare gift. It is sad to think that I can't be authentic with this person about certain things, as it would help me. But I'm glad to know I can come here and be heard by people who understand npd and the complexities when we choose to stay connected for a variety of reasons. Based on a long-standing friendship I will continue to remain superficial about certain things, as I had done before. It was an experiment that went badly, but there are other things to enjoy that we can still share.

[1footouttadefog]

This sounds like a painful interaction.

I had similar experiences when first coming Out of the FOG.   I learned a way to turn these painful moments into positives.

I tried to separate the words said and why from the pain they caused.  I tried to analyze them with intelect along and not feelings.  of course after several rounds of mushing them around and feeling who knows how much pain and discomfort replaying it all in my head.  with time this yucky part became less and onward to the analysis

I have on friend who can cut through PD nonsense with laser like precision, like a built in detector or sorts.  Her responses are often not very supportive or compassionate.   I have come to realize she herself had a lot of PD stuff in her life and she simply has no room for it and cannot understand why others would.  Her assessments no longer cause pain but instead serve as a reassurance that a particular thing I share is indeed PD in nature.  Like a litmus test of sorts. 

I came to understand that another person I know is on the Narc spectrum ( is there a such thing?) or has lots of fleas,  and she finds PDness to be threatening.  Almost like she will be found out if near other pds or is traumatized or something.

Coming to the conclusions that others have had to come to terms with the PD's in their lives and have had to set up defences or perhaps less than best approaches makes it hurt less for me when I dont get the support I expect. 

Another groups of folks who I have had to come to terms with since coming Out of the FOG are the folks who seemingly don't understand at all that PD exist, or could exist and seemingly attribute all the damage in the wake of their rampages on the victims.  It was hard to accept that seemingly non PD folks can barely have empathy.  perhaps that is my empathy bias coming through.