Just looking for some support

[Ellie2023]

Hi all,
I guess I am here to introduce myself. I am going through some rough time. I am 34 years old and recently realised that I grew up having a histrionic mother. Ofcourse this has affected me in ways that I cannot always rationalise. I am a chronic sufferer of anxiety and depression and although I am doing very well with medication, when things are off balance I can relapse. This is one of these times... The times I realised my own mother cares more about herself than me. I didn't see that before. I guess I didn't want to...
I know that I've blocked some.
When in early teens I had a major fallout with her. I know that I've talked to family and they said that it is not my fault. I wasn't acting out. She was. But ask me now what happened and I cannot answer you. I only know it was emotionally rough. And a couple of years later my panick started.
I've managed to fix that as well as I can. With the help of medication, I am very stable. And happy. I am happily married and a couple of months ago I welcomed my first child. She has brought so much joy in my life. And I love my job! I have quite the career going on in a big company. So all in all, I can say I am really content with the life I've managed to build.
And I was doing great! Up until recently. When my mother caused major drama in my life in a way I am still not able to fully comprehent. I am afraid to post the details here in case it traces back to me and leads to more and more of these behaviours (🖐 guilty of being paranoid indeed), but I do yearn for support. I want to tell my story. I want people to listen. I want to know that I am not alone. It has being rough the past couple of months and unfortunately it has coloured the coming of my little daughter. And I will never forgive her for doing that. I might forget.. But I will not forgive. I know that now. I have very conflicting emotions and although I've decided to take distance, it has not being easy.
It feels like there is no win for me. Whatever I do, however I choose to behave, she will always make trouble. I see her trying to manipulate me, use my emotions to her benefit. And it's being constant.
With the support of my husband and my little one, I am now trying to heal. I started therapy and making a plan for medication (if needed to change or up the dose etc.). I feel wronged, but I guess you cannot have it all. And for a while it felt like I did.
Anyway. Just wanted to introduce myself. Share some thoughts and feelings. Hopefully finding a place of support.
Wish you all a good day, month and year.
Love,
Ellie

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. Most importantly... congratulations on the birth of your precious child!!! What a beautiful experience and joy to behold the innocence and vulnerability of this dear babe!

I want to first mention that your caution of being found here is not paranoia. It is wisdom. This is a public forum. One must register to post, but anyone can read the messages. So, with that in mind, what many of us do is change the details to obscure our identity and we never use identifiers like geolocation info or real names. It is possible to tell your story in a way that gives you the support and encouragement you so need. I hope that helps reassure you.

Sadly, it is not uncommon for our family members who are determined to be the center of not just the world, but dare I say universe, to stir up confusion and chaos at the highest and lowest moments of our lives. But, you already know that because you were raised with the specter of your mother's endless need for drama and attention seeking. That doesn't make it easier, just predictable.

There comes a time when we have had enough of the mamma drama. And, like you... I found that it was when my beautiful kiddos came into my life. I always knew there was something really off with my own mother, but as a new mother it took on a whole new meaning for me.

Oh, my did the healing begin as I saw her trouble making through a fiercely protective, mother's eyes and understood better the angst my mother had visited upon me, an innocent child and young woman, and I was appalled. And I was determined to never be like her or allow her to take one single solitary moment of joy away from my family.

It is a journey of healing and empowerment you are on. It is steep, but it is worth it!!! You are amongst people who will listen, who understand, and who will walk beside you. The forum is filled with great conversations, tools, resources! Make the most of it!

You found us at a very good time in your life. I look forward to supporting you in the coming days!

[Srcyu]

Hello Ellie,
Well done for taking the first step. I imagine your story is long with many twists and turns.
We will listen and respond as soon as you feel able to share.

It's a desperate move to reach out. One that most people wouldn't want to make. Yet we do, because the answer lies best with those who have also been through it - us.


milly

[notrightinthehead]

Just wanted to add my welcome. One of my longest standing friends has most histrionic traits and I can only imagine what it would be like to have such a mother, how confusing and irritating and painful it must be.
You are on a good path and you are not alone, we are all walking together towards healing.

[Gman22]

Ellie,
I've lurked these boards for some months now.  I am new posting here too.  I don't intend to post often but like reading a lot.  Your subject line grabbed my attention though.  It's amazing how nice a supportive comment from someone who has had similar experiences can be.  I just wanted to let you know I read your post and I care - like others who replied.  It is a very difficult, confusing and painful thing to escape inflicted.  mental and emotional turmoil. 

Heartfelt congrats on your new baby - parenthood helped me transcend barriers and challenges.  Seek knowledge and take your time but be strident in your efforts to improve your life for your family.  Godspeed on your journey...I think it looks very promising from your introduction post. 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

I know what it feels like to start suspecting your own mother might be at the root of your troubles. And what it feels like not to want to admit that. And finally to admit it to yourself, just a bit. And then, finally, to give it voice. To tell someone.

It's hard and lonely and cathartic and painful and so, so many other emotions all rolled in.

Well done for realising you need help, and for seeking it, and for coming here and for doing all the other things you are doing.

I wish you well and look forward to seeing you around the boards.