15 Days and Counting (trigger warning)

JustKeepTrying · March 31, 2023, 10:32:13 PM

Update - trigger warning

It's been a while since I posted. I have been stepping back and really focusing on preparing for my life of full time travel. I am slowly reconnecting with my kids and dated. And well just all the stuff a normal person does.

Except this past weekend - I was with my daughter and sister and all the extended family and we were moving furniture - my sister donated furniture to my daughter and it involved a multi day quickly planned moving truck trip over ten hours away and lots of stress. My DDs and I have struggled since the divorce since they have bought my OCPDx lies and martyrdom. While there my DD became very dismissive of me - really making small snarky comments that were really triggering. I felt like I was back in that house and my ex was being all passive-aggressive and dropping all the nasty comments. I could feel my PTSD seizures begin and I found myself leaving several times just to calm myself and bring me back to ground. I was successful for the most part.

I can't take meds - I've tried and coded and it isn't safe. I am in therapy and I journal and I do all the work. And I have come so far.

But I am also sorting through old family photos and all the debris of decades of life. I am boxing and labeling and pitching and storing all the stuff of my life and the memories can be overwhelming at times. But I am diligently practicing mindfulness and just letting the emotions/thoughts flow as I check off my to do list.

I also had a pretty intense romantic liaison. Someone who I really connected with a deep intellectual level. Rare for me. We talked through the night on our first date oblivious of time until the sun rose completely surprising us. This went on for four months and when we were planning a weekend together - he ghosted me. I am sure that this is also contributing to the swing of emotions.

Under it all I am reminded that the damage left from decades of abuse still exists. My nervous system is still easily triggered. It feels a hairs breadth away.

I am hopeful though. Despite walking to that edge - I am hopeful. I do feel that when my journey beings and I start the real traveling and exploring that I will feel my self confidence rise. I am hopeful that all those new experiences will overwrite my memories - and create a new world.

I also have my two year cancer scans coming up soon. Always scary because again - I am walking close to the line. But my leg is healed and I am walking with a cool cane (thanks for the recommendation SOT) as well as a cool hiking stick. I am down several dress sizes and I have never felt more beautiful - so there are some positives. I am working every moment to not let that darkness return.

notrightinthehead · April 01, 2023, 01:56:57 AM

A mixed bag but doing ok, mostly, so well done! Have you considered keeping some distance from your daughter for a bit? I mean, are you strong enough to move furniture, travel long distances, sleep on a couch and endure snarky remarks? That seems like a good time to consider what I am willing to do to protect myself better in future. To practice medium chill, grey rock, and decide what I am willing to do for anybody, including my daughter, given the way they treated me. My innermost circle, the people I allow closest to my heart, has to be free of people who damage me. People who hurt me, I love them from a safe distance.
I truly hope you find your inner balance again soon.

NarcKiddo · April 01, 2023, 06:55:29 AM

You are doing so much. I mean, so, so very much. And you are keeping your head above water. You say you hope to feel your self confidence rise when you start your travelling. I hope it does - but in the meantime I think you might give yourself a little more credit for the self confidence you have already. It may not feel like it, but re-read your post and see what you have navigated and lived through and succeeded in just in the few lines of that post.

Well done, you. Your user name is very apt.

SonofThunder · April 01, 2023, 08:48:35 AM

Hi JKT! Nice to see your name pop up on the threads again. Sorry you had those experiences. Heres my off-the-cuff:

I am a very high-radar, high emotions person; very 'sensitive'. Im also an introvert. I now require of myself, that I be VERY selective in what, where, with-whom and when. I don't believe it is selfish of me to be highly selective, but proactive in proper self care. Im healing from decades of purposeful, predator-type manipulation in relationships and its my time (for the rest of my decades) to care more for myself in the 51% rule.

Therefore, I would urge you to be highly selective on what, where, with-whom and when you say "yes". If anyone has a problem with my self-care, I learn by their negative actions/reactions, who to avoid (yes, including family). I want what is best for others and also desire to be around others who want that in return for me. That turns out to be a much-much smaller group than I expected. Im fine with that fact.

SoT

1footouttadefog · April 04, 2023, 03:41:06 PM

Sounds like you handled a challenging time well even if it was uncomfortable in many ways.

Hope your travel adventure starts soon. I know you habe beem wanting it.

JustKeepTrying · April 13, 2023, 10:25:00 PM

Update - Thank you all for your support. It means a great deal and I really take your advice to heart.

Your are right - all of you - that I need to watch who I have in my inner circle and really put in place stronger boundaries and practices that allow me to go rest and reset and reevaluate. While I didn't move furniture (thank you strong young nephews) the trip did exhaust from just all the people. The one thing I learned is that I just can't do groups - or groups of people I know well - I think I absorb too much of their energy. And my daughters energy right now is very negative. I understand why it's that way and I have great compassion for her and I did promise myself I would help her to this point - but right now - she has the tools and support she needs so I can back off and just be a cheer leader. I think she is finally launched. Phew.

But you are all right, I need to be careful with my yes's and selective in who and how I allow people around me. After so long of submerging my feelings and working on it in therapy - I am finally feeling bits of intuition and recognizing patterns of feeling that I lost so long ago and that I really relied on - feelings that helped me make good decisions for myself. This past week I have practiced leaning on those and releasing the other feeling that needs control - that codependency thing again - and it felt right. These life long habits are hard to break.

In three days I start my new life where I know I will be challenged - where will I go every night; in and outs of a new system; physical issues on the road - but the docs and therapists all say that my plan is solid - my backups are solid and I am thinking it through. That's all I can hope for - that I am thinking it all through.

Love you all.

SonofThunder · April 13, 2023, 11:24:15 PM

JKT, all of what you wrote is sensible, reasonable and balanced. Excited that you can just be your daughters cheerleader as she adults herself. Im so very jealous of you heading out on the road! How wonderful to have the confirmation from docs and your therapist as well. Youve worked hard and endured SO very much. Its JKT-time! Armed now with very selective choices on what, whom, when and where you say yes/no is fantastic!

A future hat tip from me at a campsite, to the wonderful lady with the badass cane. Looking forward to hearing your JKT adventure stories!

SoT

square · April 14, 2023, 08:16:56 AM

JKT, you have a wonderful attitude. The 5k thing, for example, would have been extremely stressful to say the least, but you not only got through it but managed to find a positive outlook on it. I shudder to think of experiencing that situation with a PD person.

Sometimes I feel well on the way to healing but then something will put me back in FFFF and I'm reminded that I'm hardly invincible. What you felt with the jabs from your DD was very hard. I don't think it's realistic for any of us to be able to just take everything. Even if we could become made of steel, that price is very high as well.

"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. " (Ezekial 36:26)