Could use a virtual hug today

[wisingup]

Hi everyone - my brother and I are in the process of moving mom into an assisted living facility (yay!)

However, it's a difficult process that with many many steps.  All the stresses of a regular move, plus downsizing, a total lifestyle change for mom, and arranging the medical evaluations and paperwork that go along with entering group living.

Mom has chosen this time to regress to behaving like a toddler & we cannot determine why.  Is it stress?  Is it a lingering UTI? Is it truly dementia?  Urgent care yesterday said "no" to UTI, and a couple months ago her doctor said "no" to dementia other than some short-term memory loss. 

Brother and I are spending the next 3 weekends dealing with the downsizing & the move.  Yesterday we tried to get her to make simple decisions about what could be given to charity.  She could not stay on task, could not answer simple questions, interrupted every conversation we tried to have, changed the subject, filled every silence with rambling chatter that frequently made no sense. 

My brother is normally fairly patient with her, but he was at or over the edge yesterday & I had to mediate his behavior too.  We both understand that something beyond her control is going on here and we just need to power through this and get her into the AL facility.  We want to let her make the decisions about what to bring with her, but she just isn't capable of that right now.   I think we need to somehow get her out of the room while we do it, which is tough in a one bedroom apartment & her needing supervision.  When/if she regains some clarity, we will hear all about how we made the wrong decisions about what to bring.

Sigh, I'm hoping we've finally hit rock bottom here & once she's moved in the stress on us will decrease.  I'm just having a moment where I feel like mom will never let us live in peace.  She always finds a way to make it hard - always.  To some degree, she needs people to be upset and worried about her like others need air. 

Thank you for the space to vent - I hope that updates after the mid-April move-in will be more positive!

[NarcKiddo]

 

I don't envy you.

[Poison Ivy]

Nor do I. My mom is 94 years old and still lives in her own home (with my sister as full-time caregiver). She has various illnesses and physical disabilities and her memory and vision have gotten worse in the past few months. It's very stressful for all of us.

[wisingup]

Thanks both - feeling a little more sane today.  We'll make it through this.   

At least mom is providing a master class in what not to do to my own kids as I age.

[SunnyMeadow]

Thanks both - feeling a little more sane today.  We'll make it through this.   

At least mom is providing a master class in what not to do to my own kids as I age.

Glad you're feeling better wisingup! That's the exact thing I learned from dealing with my parents throughout the years....what NOT to do to my own kids. I'm going to keep them in mind as I age and need more and more care. I won't be selfish and only think about myself.

I hope the move and all the work that goes with it goes smoothly. I went through it just over one year ago and wow, it's stressful. Virtual hugs and good thoughts as you go through it.

[Leonor]

 

Oh, I do wonder if part of what is going on is age and stress and disorientation, and another part of it is throwing drama-guetti at the wall to see how long she can avoid moving into AL, or until one of you "caves" and moves in with her or has her move in with you.

No matter. If mom is acting like a toddler, you can treat her like one. With kindness, with concern, but also with clarity and firmness. Maybe one of you could take her out for a drive while the other deals with the move, or vice versa. Maybe you can say to her, "We appreciate your input, Mom, but we've got it from here. Let's put on your tv show and then we'll be with you when it's over." Or even, "Mom, this is the box you can put your knickknacks in. You can decide which to take, or we are going to take some executive decisions here about what stays and what goes, because it is not all going to fit."

She can have her experience and her feelings. She can be upset. She can chitchat and space out and have a tantrum. But she cannot run the show. She cannot contribute in a meaningful way, If only because she's not capable, and it's unfair to expect her to do it.

Just nod, pat her hand, and keep moving forward.

[wisingup]

We received confirmation today that mom does in fact have another UTI.  We've learned that when mom acts wacky & the quick UTI test is negative, we ask them to send it to the lab for the more sensitive test that takes 3-4 days.  Twice now an initial negative has turned into a positive on the better test.

She's back on strong antibiotics so fingers crossed she'll gain clarity in time for the move.

[Leonor]

I'm glad that your mom has been dx'd and is receiving the treatment she needs.

But do know that she does not need to be clear on her move. You need to be clear. This move is happening. And it's good that you are clear on making this move happen, because your mom needs to live in a place where she will be safe and receive care.

So regardless of where your mom is and how she feels and what clarity she may or may not have, as long as she is healthy, stay clear and grounded in your centeredness on the day of her move.

This is a hard thing to do, since you've been trained to have your emotional state revolve around hers. But that's neither necessary nor productive right now. Don't fret too much about how she might feel the day of the move. She's allowed to have her feelings. And she is lucky to have such a centered, clear headed and caring daughter.

[wisingup]

Yes, thank you Leonor.  Your advice is timely.  I stopped by yesterday to take care of a couple of move-out tasks at the apartment she is leaving (shutting off utilities, etc.) and she had re-gained some clarity.  Now she is annoyed with my brother and I that she "doesn't know anything about what's going on."   Totally predictable, but it's a punch to the gut nonetheless. 

I'm not sure how much awareness she has that due to her UTI issues, she basically checked out of reality for the past month and missed her chance to be involved in the decision making.  It's not her fault and not our fault - it's just the way it happened.

There's also no awareness or concern or gratitude about how stressed out her two kids have been dealing with all her normal life tasks, her medical situation, and this complicated move.  I know not to expect that now and I accept that she is not capable of it, but it still hurts and annoys me somehow. 

I am treating her fairly brusquely & business-like, just moving through the tasks, and I suspect that that hurts and annoys HER, but that is all I am capable of right now.