Stuck in frustration

[emberablo]

I posted the history in the welcome. So ill try not to expound. Just need to vent.

She calls me after picking up our son from daycare. Telling me shes pissed off that daycare is doing this to her. Our son is screaming that he wants to go back to the teacher.

I mean screaming. And his educational show is not being played in the car, so hes upset he doesnt get to watch his show. He’s screaming for both teacher and “my show”

She complains and asks me for my opinion. I don’t know. (Maybe he doesnt want to go home with you? I think to myself.) so not a big help, I suggest talking to the daycare to maybe discuss solutions. She wants to start taking away toys and tv time to get him to start respecting (i forget the right word, listening and following directions), i agreed. Its fine enough and the call was ended calmly.

I look up info and send her 4 screenshots of info about kids not wanting to go home after daycare, typically means they arent being entertained at home. I tried calling back after sending those , no answer… so i wait and get dinner and watch tv.

I get a text message… “ok your phone is off i get it youre busy, im busy too”

Immediately i respond, its not off. And call… no answer.

Give it a minute, take a screenshot of no calls from her. And call again… no answer.

Call on facebook, maybe she cant hear it?
She sees the texts and doesnt reply.

Ok im going nuts, need to stop calling. Send voice text… not read. Errggghh!!

This is such bull shit! I can’t calm down. So im here.

[emberablo]

Yeah i realized it was jade after i sent it. And I’m trying to not. I’m just so defensive of my actions because I’m not doing anything wrong! I know i know this… and i know she already had the (jade) answer, my phone was clearly off so how would it record an incoming call, duh!

I read the stickied post about venting and i think maybe its not venting. I needed to separate from this feeling like you said. I just got so bottled up, stuck in frustration, because i dont have any way to resolve the situation. So yeah maybe I’m not venting, looking for guidance on trying to not get stuck, or to get unstuck.

My voice message was basically explain defend, then “i just want to help and talk about solutions to your problem”…

If i dont jade, then i fear its just going to get worse and her opinion will keep lowering. I know her opinion isnt or shouldn’t be that important, but i do love her and i want a better relationship with her not no relationship.

I’m not ready yet to accept that theres no relationship. And i know my therapist already said, then “i must be comfortable with being treated this way.” And i know shes never said she loves me, only once when i kinda egged it out of her, and even then 13 years ago, i shouldve known. Blehhh…

Ok. So i know. Lol

I dont think shes hurting our son, i think he might be very sad that hes in time out tonight… i dont think its abusive to him. But i wish things were better where he does want to go home.

Im also afraid i wont get to have easter egg coloring tomorrow we agreed on, since shes ghosting me(? Is that the term?)… so thats why i went full jade because i dont want to lose time with him.

Ok I’m crying now. I cried this morning in the shower because i am losing so much time with him. He’s 3 next month.

[emberablo]

Every morning on my drive to work, I try to remember to give her affirmations for the day ("hope you have a good day at work today", "you are beautiful, you are smart, and you are strong" kinds of things.), my attempt to show that I care... isn't very successfull, when I first started doing it she said "I dont need to you sending me automated/scheduled messages like that..." (I adjusted to where it's not the same time every day, nor is it on the hour or on the half. My start time is not strict, between 5am to 8am.)

I still try to do it, because I do care, and this morning I said "I don't understand what happend last night and why you thought I would have my phone off to you. But I hope you have a good day at work" and asked about still being able to do (what little) 'easter' we're going to have, pizza dinner and color eggs.

She replied with "yes 5 to 6pm will work"

No other information. But here's the sliver of time you get... everything else is her time, and god forbid I accidentally go over into her time.

Pizza is ordered for 4:45 pickup. I'll get off work at 4 (hopefully meeting doesn't go over), need to head to walmart get vinegar for eggs, go home pick up easter basket/toy/and egg kit, go get pizza, and then hope she's not late picking him up...

She will be, I know...
5pm she'll call me, saying she's busy/late (probably because she was doing research on how to make it better at pickup time, instead of working),
5:15 she'll call again saying he's upset, etc...
dinner and egg coloring is going to be a pain because she's going to complain about her day, and me, at me, while I'm trying to enjoy my time with our son. (hopefully he's going to be ok and able to focus and spend time with me.)
and oh- ember, your plans based on my schedule, yeah F- your plans and effort to be on my time; You'll still need to be out of my house at 6pm, or I'll be upset even more that you've taken my time away.

She'll probably complaing that the pizza is "disgusting because it sat for too long."

I'm prepping to be detached from her emotional setup. I still care about her, but I can't let her emotions control my emotions.

[emberablo]

God this is so shitty. (Paragraphs arent in order, i know it doesn’t matter.)

Everything was almost the exact opposite of what I expected, until halfway through the evening.

I’m crying right now because she just blamed me for taking away her time like I thought she would. She just attacks me so hard with her words. Because i couldnt control the time, when she talked to me for 20 minutes taking my time away from our son. (Talking about how her work is doing everything against her, shes not making her stats because they screw the numbers, and adjust her time. And shes going to file complaints for discrimination.)

She then said i was going to spend time with him on the weekend, which she never made clear to me. I told her i didnt realize we would do something this weekend. So she then said ok stay all night and then we wont do anything this weekend.

She Said “oh yeah i get it you are a narcissist, it says npd goes along with your adhd. I do see it, its all about you, taking my time away tonight. You dont work tomorrow, i do. I need this time you shouldve left at 6! Its 6:27 now… i said latest 6:15!” ( i don’t remember that)

Im struggling, crying in the bathroom sitting on the side of the bathtub trying to collect myself. Im going to shower.

I cried with my son on my lap. He kept asking whats wrong daddy. I held him and said nothing. He said he was sorry, and told her to stop being mean to me. I told him its not his fault, he didnt do anything.

He was clutchin on to me with his legs so i couldnt leave. He doesnt want me to go…

She just wanted to ruin this. Couldnt have just been civil.

I pulled out the rest of the toys i brought over before i left and gave it to him, and he was so happy, it distracted him being sad i was leaving.

[emberablo]

I just want to ask her, why couldnt she just be civil about it. And not nag me and take away from finishing the eggs with him… we were middle of coloring the second 6 eggs.

But i know theres nothing there that will make it better

[emberablo]

And she called me after she got ready for bed and we talked, i was crying on the phone to her. She recognizes its hurting me, but she still put up the "you need to respect my time."  When everything is on her time.
She Recognized that she couldve been better at telling me, instead of being so harsh. But even though she sees it, isnt going to change how she does treat me.

But i guess i need to not dwell on it right now.

[bloomie]

emberablo - this all sounds incredibly hard for everyone involved. Most importantly, it sounds like it is upsetting to a small child who has zero way of understanding and coping. And that just seems the most unfair of all. The adults have a choice. Your little guy doesn't.

If I am understanding the situation you do not live with your child and have no formal time with your child that is set and scheduled each week? So, no time alone with him and all time you are 'allowed' at the whim and discretion of someone who moves the target, changes her mind, can't cope with a crying, unhappy child, and disrupts even happy activities with accusations and her issues. 

The common theme I see in your posts is your partner is withholding. Withholding is a powerful manipulative tactic and an emotionally abusive one. The atmosphere that is created around someone withholding affection, kindness, partnership, respect, appreciation is hard enough, but the position it sounds like you have allowed yourself to be put in is that your partner also withholds time with your child with possibly the underlying threat of removing you from his life completely. It is no wonder you are off kilter and emotionally overwhelmed at times.

Here is a great article that helps breakdown just how toxic the emotional experience of withholding is for us:

https://themendproject.com/emotional-abuse-withholding/
From that article:

Similar to gaslighting, withholding makes the victim feel as if they are isolated, ignored or do not have control over their own lives....To a victim who feels trapped in a circumstance or relationship with someone who withholds, every instance of abuse sends the message, "You don't deserve to be treated well."

This is false. You don't deserve days of silent treatment. You don't deserve to be yelled at for exercising freedom. You don't deserve to have your schedule and privileges regimented like a parent does for a child.

What we can offer you here is support and compassion for how painful this all is. And we can offer you tools and cheer you on as you begin to set some boundaries and use the tools to cope with these behaviors you are encountering. We can also encourage you to shift your focus from how to placate and manage your partner's ever shifting moods to how best to equip yourself and prioritize your own health and the well being of your child.

I hope you have in person support and counsel as well as this community. This is a complicated and difficult circumstance and none of us can tell you what is best for you and your child, but we can and will support you as you figure it out, because I can strongly sense from what you share here you know the current state of things is not what is best.

[xredshoesx]

holding space for you emberablo

i'm going to come at this from the point of a child in a position like this bc i was that child.

if you currently do not have some kind of custody agreement with visitation written into it i strongly urge you to contact an attorney to find out what you need to do to have access to your child.

there are many threads in the separating/ divorcing part of the forum with other fathers posting that may be able to give you some more ideas on how to negotiate to ensure your child's well being and future include you in it.

right now from your posts it sounds like you are financially supporting this child.  start keeping your paper trail because if you are expected to help support your child you should be allowed to have visitation and or joint custody.  i know it's hard because you are grieving the loss of the romantic relationship and the idea of 'family' will never happen if things continue along this path but  please do for your child what my father could not/ would not do for me.  he gave up with my mother, which gave me no port in the storm from her crazy making and poor parenting choices.

[emberablo]

Redshoes, i hope my son does not feel that way about me. And yes i support financially, based on what she feels is equal. (I earnestly feel is fair.)

I do fear the legal process, but i think she fears it too. We have agreed that when hes 5 we will share custody.

Ugh, i just got a text saying we arent doing easter event tomorrow because he’s sick. He has been, but I’m slightly thinking this is something she’s doing because i might have upset her this afternoon. She calls me on my day off upwards of 5 times (when she should be working), and since ive been doing virtual therapy shes called during my session on two occasions, shes asked why shes done this and i told her she “calls a couple times a day”, she replied oh i call you too much? Ok well i guess I’ll get off the phone.

Of course… but i do worry about my son’s health and i dont want to pressure him if hes not feeling well.

And now she ignored my calls and text, and finally responded saying shes busy cleaning and stuff… i attempted to convey how i was feeling, and she said something like; i get your concern and its the usual… implying that i dont care about his health… and that its just that im being selfish.

I’m trying to separate my emotion from that statement. Of course i care about his health… and shes just being abusive.

But i have a right to be upset especially after she ruined yesterday.

[emberablo]

Of course morning comes and she changes her mind that he might be good enough to go. But needs me to beg that i want to go too if hes up to it. Where she cancels the plans i asked to go see my aunt next week.

So she says we can meet at 10:30, and shell call if she changes plans. I expected this to be her cancelling. And its only an hour and half of time to be together and do anything.

No, she texts at 9:15 saying can you do 930?

Its a 20 minute drive. And she’s already there and signed up for him to have a 930 egg hunt.

She starts attacking me as I’m driving there. I told you id call if i change plans. Youre abusive by not respecting my time, being angry because of the coloring of eggs. You intentionally screwed up the eggs by just soaking them in vinegar… (i guess she just threw out the pack of 16 eggs we colored 12 of because they were in vinegar? Now i think about it, they werent i just messed up the dye solution but i fixed that before putting the eggs in)

I started to cry on the phone. Now she thinks im yelling at her because im trying to talk through my tears. Im being abusive again.

I collect myself, ok, i dont want to argue with you. Lets stop this arguing.

I rush to get to the easter event.

My son is so happy to see me. Its 9:36 she just gives me a look of your not even worth my time, and looks away.

We walk around, he gets to find some eggs.  We take pictures…. Its ok. Shes calmed a bit.

We talk, she doesnt understand im hurting, she suggests that im on meds, but can’t understand why im crying all the time. So i must not be on meds, she can’t understand why im crying so much anymore.

I can’t explain to her she’s abusing me. Im so afraid of starting another argument about it, i dont want to ruin whats left of our time for easter…

We leave amicably. It was 30 whole minutes of easter with my son, and 60% of it was her bitching about me, about her work, and how she’s upset about things.

She calls me up as we leave, she needs to find someplace to eat. And then tells me her day is too busy for anything else, she has to do taxes… and shes still upset shes trying to figure out who to report the “abuse” shes taking at work. (Im not denying she’s been mistreated at work, but its not as bad as shes making it)

I’m stuck in this split brain situation.
A) I dont want this abuse, i want more time with my son., i want to protect him through this later in life.
B) i dont think i can deal with the legal burden, i dont think i can handle the financial burden, i dont hate her and i dont want to lose this connection with her.

She doesnt see how i feel. She just thinks im selfish. She thinks I’m abusing her.

She overwhelms me. She puts me down. She pressures me to where i cant think. She talks at me like a machine gun… where i cant think and take a second to respond.

I dont want this anymore. Im so scared. Just the thought of starting legal action is overwhelming me. I dont want to do it. I just want things to be normal.

[xredshoesx]

sounds like you have to figure out what you are more afraid of..... letting this treatment of you and your child continue another 2 years (that's on the assumption she holds to the 'agreement' to share custody at age 5 or talking to a lawyer.

[emberablo]

We just had a 2 hour phone conversation. I ended up telling her why i was crying, that i felt abused by her.

She then brought up, ok if you feel that way then we should just go to court. But we both settled on discussing actually having more custody and more alone time.

She has already changed her opinion on what age, its now 6, not 5. And now, I dont know now if it was always 6.

She also talked me down from taking it to court by saying how she would use my abuse and documentation of things ive said like “i didnt lock the door you locked the door” (i had no memory of doing it, and she was attacking me about locking the door) when she has video proof i did lock the door. And my admittance of suicidal thoughts because of her abuse…

She also used financial expectations of “each parent must have and pay for their own child care” and “each parent must have medical insurance coverage”… which i just looked up, wheres thats not typical, the courts would only do that if neither wants to pay for it together.

After all that anyway, we did discuss expanding and clarifying what visitation i can have.

I dont know what else to do right now. I dont want to go back on what ive said to her in the past.

I dont think its fair still. But at least its amicable.

I wish it wasn’t this way… i just want normal.

[emberablo]

I understand.

(I wish she was girlfriend, as far as i also wish we had a good relationship, but i guess ex? Coparent? Never married, and shes never said boyfriend girlfriend in front of me either… at best my recollection says we’ve just been friends.)
As far as recording conversations, we live in California, and it’s illegal to record conversations from cellphones or where there is expectation of privacy or confidentiality.

I’m just overwhelmed. I know, There isnt anything that can be done if i wont try to escape it myself.

Right now I’m still not able to escape. Im not able to try, i cant get out of this… im still trying to be amicable with her.

I think i will get more time with him…. I hope im not doing the worst thing for my son.

Ill stop storytelling. Its not adding anything.
I know what i need to do… i know i need legal help. I know i need to be documenting everything…

I know I’m not doing whats best for me. Ill give it some more time.