How do you stop feeling "stuck" in life?

[BefuddledClarity]

I don't know if this is the correct thread to post on. But my full question is "How do you stop feeling "stuck" in life after PD abuse?"

I feel like... I'm making myself a "victim" instead of a "survivor" sometimes. Like, I keep blaming the past instead of moving forward. I'm TIRED of thinking about the past. Yes, it does affect the future, but... I just... Don't want to get "stuck" and pity myself.

For example...

I've said this a few times:
Ever since I called the cops on my PDex, I ended up losing my job, getting evicted, having my car repo-ed, getting into debt, and at one point lost temporary custody of my son.

To this day, I now have full custody of son(it took a year to get him back), I've been job hopping(for multiple reasons, mostly son's health, no stable pay which is important, and micromanaging/PDbosses), have been in-between cars, still lived with my 2nd older bro for a year now after losing my own place, and my debt actually has been going down for the most part so that's the two good things(since I have son too).


I feel kind of... embarrassed that I ended up getting myself in that spot in the first place.
I used to save money, be responsible. I had a nice place for son to lay his head down, now we're laying in air mattresses that keep popping... The bathroom leaks under the tiles, only 2 stove burners work, the house is hard to breath in sometimes, son no longer has his own room when he used to with me, and it's just...ug. I want to DO better for son, I DO.

Most people assume (from the outside) I live a normal life and don't quite understand what I've been through, but it's been kind of chaotic with a lot of crap happening... When they question me, I explain and end up with pity... I don't want pity. I just feel worse that I can't do much for little one. Some offer help, but, not to sound cynical, people who offer help don't really mean it. Because the one time I ask, they disappear. So I keep to myself and say no each time now.

Also, more bad luck keeps happening often in my life. Such as my son getting into an accident and into the hospital recently, then my job telling me I better follow schedule or leave(I left, because MY SON was in the HOSPITAL, omg, that's what I mean by PDbosses, but people think I job hop for no reason and say "a job is a job". I get worked like a robot drone, and am forced to do job positions that are not part of my description, sometimes it is manager type role), then I have no car again and walk on foot. I have no money again and have to talk to oldest brother who lives 1,000+ kilometers away for help, and to an extent I have to ask PDmother for help through brother (they live together) if brother can't help me.

I feel like a big, fat, loser unable to provide for my family (son & myself). I feel like a fraud for saying I'll start my business, then I chicken out. I already have clients (friends) but I feel like crap to charge them and they keep telling me they'll pay. I don't know what wrong with me.

I just don't want the past to hinder my future and success. Yet, it does, plus... I'm hindering myself due to indecisiveness.

I feel like my PDparents words are true whenever I want to live my life. I think in my head "oh, my business will fail anyways, they're probably right. How can I support myself on something that's not considered a "real" or "stable " job"...

To give context, for my business... I want to make websites, flyers for marketing, menus, or other graphic designs. And I also want to work on my comic ideas, animations, program a videogame, become a voice actor, make a language learning blog, and compose music (those are all JUST hobbies, but I may post them publicly, I'm just nervous too). Eventually, I wanted to buy a building or rent one out to make a gaming lounge that comes with international cafe(I like to cook, especially dishes from home country). There's more to the gaming lounge + international cafe, I thought a book store & DVD rental would be cool to attach to it, and I wanted to keep attaching other things as the business grows.

But alas I'm a chicken ....
I am a big chicken.
I help other people with their businesses(no pay), but won't start my own.

I have too many big ideas and I get nervous about sharing my services/products with others. I feel like I'll disappoint. I get compliments, but I don't want to believe them.

Sorry for much ramble...
I'm tired... I don't know what the H*LL I'm doing. I keep just going back to headache inducing jobs where I feel depressed. I don't feel challenged enough in job, I feel bored or I feel overworked and tired. I want part-time, but every job force me to full-time because "oh you so good at what you do" is their lame excuse when they promised me part-time, then they want me for full-time. Idc if I'm good at making the business money, give me my FREEDOM so I can spend time with son and work on fun projects/my OWN business. Please ...

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Wow, BC, you have been through so much!  And you have done so much to get through it!  I understand about abandoning the career ladder life when you have a child with a chronic illness.  I had to do that, too.  I spent many years as a single mom, hardly able to keep the lights on.  When I was asked to do more regular work hours and take on more responsibility, I said "no" bc I felt it would interfere with caretaking my child.  They weren't happy, and kept asking, but they never fired me.

As far as having a more loving relationship with myself and taking steps to heal and have a better life ...  I still find the "reparenting" work which was popular in the 80's to be some of the most effective stuff I do for myself.  Old phrases like "loser," "you mean you can't do any better than that?!" etc., are like recordings that were installed by an abusive person/parent.  They still come up, though much less.  The vulnerable (kid) part of me feels hurt or angry or scared, but I also have an "adult" on board who can let the vulnerable part know that stuff's not true, she's really okay the way she is, maybe look at small doable steps which might make the situation better, and kind of be a coach to that vulnerable part, much like we do as a parent.

If your son was afraid to do something, I doubt you'd call him a "chicken" or "loser."  You'd probably lovingly help him.  We can also do that for ourselves.  I am living testimony to the fact that someone who was filled with self-hatred can learn to feel self love and kindness.  There are also many 12 Step programs which help with this, Codependents Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families, Al Anon, etc.  They've been invaluable support to me. 

Instead of seeing yourself as a "loser" or "chicken," maybe you could have some understanding & compassion for the part of you that is understandably scared and overwhelmed.  Give yourself some kindness.  And if you want to move toward a goal, baby steps (with room for mistakes and setbacks) is a kind and doable way to do that.   I hope you find all you need to support you on this journey!