PD Entitlement & Explosion

[BefuddledClarity]

So...my PDmother is in the city visiting, and we're currently all under the same roof (I live with 2nd oldest bro, lost my own spot a while back).

Anyways, ever since she's been here, she's been getting on my nerves...but also helpful right now as I am currently unemployed (I have a job lined up now), so....at least she's been helping to pay for things I need, but she's been snippy and rude (she's also rude to wait staff and such while we're in restaurants...)

I'll just... List some of the annoyances I've dealt with.

• Constantly makes comments about my weight or eating habits (I'm currently underweight, and I'm working on it). She'll contradict herself sometimes saying I eat too much or too little and tell me when to eat.
• If she doesn't like something, she goes ON and ON about it and doesn't shut up
• She's always trying to make the decisions of where to go and where to be, and if something doesn't go to plan, she randomly assigns blame to me or one of my siblings.
• Sh*tting on my goals saying I won't be able to do it and should just move in with her. I plan to get work visa and go to a... specific country in Europe to be with family there. I also try to start my own business
• She talks badly about nearly everyone, and yes, I suppose some is warranted, but it gets annoying because she doesn't know when to stop and sometimes she does it when person is within the vicinity...very rude...
• Talks about gross topics like her bowel movements in extreme details...it's...like please stop
• If she not center of attention, she gets upset and huffy and say "I guess I can't talk since you guys keeps talking". Just lot of passive aggressive comments like that, even though she's just speaking to make rude comment...
• Infantile-talk. Talks to me like a child.

Just recently, it PISSED me the fuck off when she went off about how bad my PDex is, how could you let your son be with him when he BEAT you up, and she called me "sick in the head".

This is coming from someone who used to physically & verbally abuse me as a CHILD and SA me as well.

I don't like my PDex either, but legally, he must have visitations with son until I get it sorted into court. I did my research. Also, he is not bad with son, never. I know he loves son, but he is also just...like a child I think he might have undiagnosed BPD that is untreated (not an excuse though to he a jerk). And he quit drinking alcohol and has been sober for a year, so he has worked on himself, at least.

Again though, doesn't excuse his actions and I am not interested in relationship.

Tbh, my bigger goal is to cut him off completely and PD family members once I move out of this country, but I am doing what is required of me legally and also trying not to rock the boat at the moment... As I'm unemployed (but will hopefully start this temp contract here soon) and barely starting my own business on the side.


Sometimes... I feel like I'm going crazy, like everything is in my head or I'm being the a**hole...I'm just... tired of dealing with people.

I'm a magnet for toxicity, and I'm afraid those toxic traits will or have rubbed off on me.

I've only noticed the longer I spend with PDmother, that I think I have some FLEAS from her.

If I ever feel WRONGED by someone, I don't shut the h*LL up and keep going on, and on about it...I've even participated in gossip before, but feel like sh*t after, and retract my statements saying it's not my place to judge. I just wish I didn't say certain things in the first place.

For example, even though I was mad at PDmother, I would talk to my brothers about it (like how I currently am), but it just feels like unnecessary negativity and makes me an a**hole in the end for complaining, especially when she has helped me by buying necessities for son & myself. So, it's just a more "nevermind, I need to not bring it up at all".

Can anyone relate?
What do you do?
I honestly want to go back to being NC with PDmother...but it's just...doesn't feel possible if I want to have all of my brothers in my life.
It's a constant struggle. Plus, she did help me, even if she can be a jerk about things...

Thoughts?

[SonofThunder]

Hello BefuddledClarity,

Below are imo the four quoted areas that you identified yourself. Finding solutions for all four, may assist you greatly. 

Otherwise, as long as these four exist imo, you are yourself, provided a wide open front-door to toxicity.  I will point you to the toolbox tab above, for the proper tools to solving these four, should you desire.  We can only control the actions and reactions of ourselves, not any other adult human. 

All the best,

SoT

1. "and we're currently all under the same roof"

2. "she's been helping to pay for things I need"

3. "If I ever feel WRONGED by someone, I don't shut the h*LL up and keep going on, and on about it"

4. "I would talk to my brothers about it (like how I currently am), but it just feels like unnecessary negativity and makes me an a**hole in the end for complaining"

[BefuddledClarity]

Hello BefuddledClarity,

Below are imo the four quoted areas that you identified yourself. Finding solutions for all four, may assist you greatly. 

Otherwise, as long as these four exist imo, you are yourself, provided a wide open front-door to toxicity.  I will point you to the toolbox tab above, for the proper tools to solving these four, should you desire.  We can only control the actions and reactions of ourselves, not any other adult human. 

All the best,

SoT

1. "and we're currently all under the same roof"

2. "she's been helping to pay for things I need"

3. "If I ever feel WRONGED by someone, I don't shut the h*LL up and keep going on, and on about it"

4. "I would talk to my brothers about it (like how I currently am), but it just feels like unnecessary negativity and makes me an a**hole in the end for complaining"

Hello,

1 & 2 are temporary.
PDmother only visited for holiday and I'm going to be employed soon, so those will be solved soon.

#3 is something I'm actively working on... I find journaling has been helpful for me, sometimes I smoke greens to calm down as well. I smoked a little bit earlier and feel better now.

#4, I'm doing the same as #3, I plan on journaling. I don't have anyone in real life to really talk to about anything, so I come to these forums too, but may just stick to journaling my thoughts. It helps gather them in one spot and I can analyze them too.

At that current moment, I was just frustrated.
I'm tired of letting it get to me. The only way I can deal with it is by numbing my emotions until I'm emotionless. I feel numb now.

I'm tired of feeling these negative emotions.
Everything is a waiting game until it gets better. I'm working on getting there, but it's a slow process [ex. Moving away from PDex, starting work, etc]

[SonofThunder]

Hi again BefuddledClarity

Glad to read that 1 & 2 are temporary and that 3 & 4 are something you are working toward.  As I stated, the four quotes I copied and the toolbox tools/practice imo is the answer to your question "What do you do?"  which you asked on your original post.

This forum is a great place to share experiences and also inquire of those that walk alongside us on these trails, as we all have PD's in our life in one relation or more.

Proactive practicing of the toolbox in self-discipline and self-improvement is difficult, yet fruitful work that has yielded rewards far beyond my current problematic relationships, therefore I recommend to you as well. 

See you around the boards,

SoT

[Leonor]

Hi Befuddled,

As I recall, you're living in your brother's home with your child, and there is some upset there. And you also are between jobs, because of an upset there as well.

To expect your brother to house you and your mother to give you money and your boss to accommodate your time off, dear Befuddled, is an attitude of entitlement. And to become upset or angry or verbally aggressive when people don't respond as you would like is explosion.

It's not about this or that boss, or this or that brother, or this or that ex, or this or that mom. There is one common denominators in all of these relationships, and that denominator is you.

So embrace your Clarity, dear Befuddled, and get clear on what you need to do, step by step, day by day, minute by minute, to get a safe and peaceful haven for your child. The social services support you need. The employment you need. And the living arrangements you need. And do it.

Now. Not lined up. Not as soon as. Not if only. Now. Today.

There will be space and time to sort out the relationships and the histories and the traumas. But right now, those relationships and histories are just keeping you stuck, and that is re-traumatizing you and putting your baby child in the middle of a generational hurricane.

[sunshine702]

The longer I spend with my mom with any trip the more I feel like I am breathing in smoke (metaphor)  Like a waitress in a casino we all put up with stuff for a paycheck (the bought necessaries) but you are starting to develop a smokers hack.   Start thinking about what you can do short term and long term to limit the toxic.  Bursts of fresh air (alone time). A way to get out of the worst of it.  Btw my mom literally pokes me in the stomach and talks about my weight as well.  Appearances are a big deal to Narcs - more toxic. 

[sunshine702]

Narcs are notoriously mean to service staff.  They are all about POWER.  Sometimes a I am so sorry look helps.  Or sometimes I slip away to the bathroom if she starts to get embarrassing.  It helps break her train of thought  hen pecking I have noticed. 

[NotCryingGlitter]

Easier said than done, and it depends on my emotional strength in that moment, but it helps to look at it from the perspective of how other people you know do not do that to you and that she is clearly the odd one out, because she doesn't do anything normal. Remind yourself that it's her own selfishness that drives her to have these behaviors; it's out of selfishness and jealousy.

[BefuddledClarity]

Hi again BefuddledClarity

Glad to read that 1 & 2 are temporary and that 3 & 4 are something you are working toward.  As I stated, the four quotes I copied and the toolbox tools/practice imo is the answer to your question "What do you do?"  which you asked on your original post.

This forum is a great place to share experiences and also inquire of those that walk alongside us on these trails, as we all have PD's in our life in one relation or more.

Proactive practicing of the toolbox in self-discipline and self-improvement is difficult, yet fruitful work that has yielded rewards far beyond my current problematic relationships, therefore I recommend to you as well. 

See you around the boards,

SoT

Ah okay, I see. I'll reread the toolbox and see what answers it yields for me. Apologies, just very frustrated with my issues. Been working on them for a long time and it's just a long story. I don't really feel like sharing. My English not good enough, so I give up. But, I'll just check around and read. Thanks.

Hi Befuddled,

As I recall, you're living in your brother's home with your child, and there is some upset there. And you also are between jobs, because of an upset there as well.

To expect your brother to house you and your mother to give you money and your boss to accommodate your time off, dear Befuddled, is an attitude of entitlement. And to become upset or angry or verbally aggressive when people don't respond as you would like is explosion.

It's not about this or that boss, or this or that brother, or this or that ex, or this or that mom. There is one common denominators in all of these relationships, and that denominator is you.

So embrace your Clarity, dear Befuddled, and get clear on what you need to do, step by step, day by day, minute by minute, to get a safe and peaceful haven for your child. The social services support you need. The employment you need. And the living arrangements you need. And do it.

Now. Not lined up. Not as soon as. Not if only. Now. Today.

There will be space and time to sort out the relationships and the histories and the traumas. But right now, those relationships and histories are just keeping you stuck, and that is re-traumatizing you and putting your baby child in the middle of a generational hurricane.

Okay Leonor,  this was the least helpful reply and presumptuous of you.
I won't sugary coat either, since you did not.
I do not expect housing from my brother.
I was upset at him for how he treated me when son was in the hospital and how he exploded on me calling me names, WITHOUT communicating he had issues prior, so this came out of nowhere. Also, we are on good terms now and both apologized. So, entitled and explosive to apologize, I suppose?

I don't expect money from my mother.
I told her I do not want to move in with her as she offered. She used to physically & verbally abuse me, along with SA. I do not want to be reminded of that. I do NOT want money held above my head. She has been the least supportive person in my life, but I guess I'm "entitled" and "explosive" to my NPDmother, who used me for money and things in the past.

My kid was in the hospital, how can I work if I need to care for son? How is it "entitlement" to have days off work when son is healing? So I just let son be in pain while I do nothing?Is that just how westerners are? They care more about work than their own kin? Interesting. I chose my son over work.

I've been working hard to get what I need, and a wrench is always thrown in. Nothing is black & white.

I'm not "entitled", and you can choose to believe that if you want. Maybe I'm "explosive" now, responding to this rude reply. I come here to receive help, and to not be talked down to "dear Leonor".

Read all the posts and not just one then if you want the full stories of what I've been dealing with for years, not cherry pick and assume.

So sorry, if my English is no good.
Sorry, if I did not explain enough in detail.
But I do not like my character being attacked, and I know enough English to feel insulted.

The longer I spend with my mom with any trip the more I feel like I am breathing in smoke (metaphor)  Like a waitress in a casino we all put up with stuff for a paycheck (the bought necessaries) but you are starting to develop a smokers hack.   Start thinking about what you can do short term and long term to limit the toxic.  Bursts of fresh air (alone time). A way to get out of the worst of it.  Btw my mom literally pokes me in the stomach and talks about my weight as well.  Appearances are a big deal to Narcs - more toxic. 

Yikes, I'm sorry you have to deal with that...but I agree it is much like the smokers hack/cough. I've been getting things figured out, I just needed to vent in the moment.

Narcs are notoriously mean to service staff.  They are all about POWER.  Sometimes a I am so sorry look helps.  Or sometimes I slip away to the bathroom if she starts to get embarrassing.  It helps break her train of thought  hen pecking I have noticed. 

Maybe I should try that... It's just really bad how she treats them, like they're peasants or filth...

Easier said than done, and it depends on my emotional strength in that moment, but it helps to look at it from the perspective of how other people you know do not do that to you and that she is clearly the odd one out, because she doesn't do anything normal. Remind yourself that it's her own selfishness that drives her to have these behaviors; it's out of selfishness and jealousy.

Ah...that's true...I just forgot what it's like being around normal...people. I should honestly just stay away from her any opportunity I can. 

[xredshoesx]

BC

i'm glad the exposure to your mom is only temporary under the same roof.  i hope your son is recovering.  my best advice echoes what SOT said-  the only thing you can control in any interactions with her is what you say or do.  i know, easier said than done.

i also know how hard it is to have to take that step back and ask anyone blood for help when you grow up in dysfunction like many of us here did.  at 20 i was homeless and squatting and the kids in my squat went to hard drugs/real crime to support habits.  my choices were a) staying with them and eventually getting busted b) hopping trains somewhere else to do basically the same thing or c) asking my mother's parents to come 'home'- the place i ran away from when i was 17 bc of the same kind of abuse you have shared with us.

what made it even harder is my mother has lived rent free with them for YEARS but they gave me a list of things i had to comply with in their home - paying rent, not cooking after certain times, wearing skirts/dresses (not kidding)......

i endured there for about a year and a half- the time it took me to get enough $$$ to get back on my feet.  i hope your situation with the brother is only temporary and you and DS get your own place again soon.   meanwhile you can do all you can to take care of you and him- and know that this too shall soon pass because you'll be back on your own because of how strong you are.   this is just a setback and with everything else you have overcome you will triumph over it.  i know i know i know bc i get tired of having to DEAL WITH IT ALL like we haven't already had enough shit to swim through.  but swim through we all do because that's what makes us different from the people that hurt and abused us.  we won't give up.

[Leonor]

Befuddled,

First, I apologize for upsetting you so deeply. That is not my intention, at all. We are all fellow survivors here, and this forum has been one of the most supportive and healing communities for me in my roughest patches. Whenever I feel called to respond to a fellow member's post, it is because their experience has struck a chord with me, and I write out of a desire to give back a tiny bit of the care that I have received here, too. For you to feel attacked means I have missed my mark, and by wide. I don't want to just walk away without acknowledging to you that your history, pain, character, or desire to heal is not in question.

In your posts, it is very clear that you were denied all support, care, safety, structure, boundaries, and protection as a little child. It is clear to me that you were preyed upon sexually, controlled in every aspect of your being, and abandoned to fend for yourself without any resources or even someone to say, hey that sucks, because they were all out of control with their own disorders, addictions, crises, and predatory behavior. Even if you never mentioned how you were abused, all of that is crystal clear, and that is excruciating, and yes, it makes my heart ache to read.

And, yes, it absolutely explains why and how your life is so challenging in this moment, and how it feels like you are constantly swimming upstream. It absolutely makes sense that you feel that you are in a storm alone with a baby, and you're not sure where to go or what to do, and no one seems to see or hear you now, either.

That has created a pattern for you, Befuddled, and that is what I expressed in my first post. It's not about your character or your integrity or your survivorship. It's about a pattern that you needed then to survive back then and keeping you from getting what you need for your baby and what you want for yourself, and you are empowered to do for you two what no one did for you when you were his age.

And yeah, it's hard to look at. It's hard to see how we can get in our own way, and re-traumatize ourselves, and repeat the pattern with our kids. But the choice is to stay in pain, or to heal. That's the crossroads you are describing. You can stay in this pattern of pain, or you can heal.

Staying in a pattern of pain is expecting your family to do for you today what they never ever did for you then: to provide you with safety, support, and love. To validate how hard it is for you as a young single mommy, to equip you with the resources you need for success, to encourage you to reach your dreams with no conditions or strings attached. They can't do that.  They won't do that.

Staying in a pattern of pain means expecting people outside your family to do what your own family didn't do for you. It means expecting flexibility from strangers who are paying you to be where and when they are paying you to be there. It means interpreting regular work rules as "micromanaging," and normal jobs like call centers as beneath you or normal work relationships with coworkers and customers as intolerable. It means that when your job is at risk and your manager appeals to you to stay, you walk away with no plan b in place, which puts you at risk of homelessness and more pain. To insist that plan b be a job somewhere in another continent with no visa or prospects that puts you at risk for trafficking is putting yourself at risk for more pain. 

Staying in a pattern of pain means living in your brother's home and demanding he provide everything from toilet paper in your bathroom to your son's snack boxes in the park. When you were a child, it was abusive and cruel for the adults in your life to neglect you. But you are an adult now. You are the mommy now. It's up to you to contribute financially to the housing and necessities that your brother and mother are now providing for you and your baby. Your brother is working (at a bar?) to keep a roof over all of your heads and your kitchen stocked and paper towels handy. To expect him and your mom - especially give how limited they are - to do so without help from you with a smile and a hug is staying in a pattern of pain. To go through a blow up and receive an apology with no real change on his or your part to alleviate that financial stress is staying in a pattern of pain. To decide that your next best housing option is more family, in a place you've never been and with people you've never met, is staying in a pattern of pain.

And to handle this pain with drugs and setting yourself up for an addiction with a baby whose father is a cocaine addict is staying in a pattern of pain.

You are empowered to break that pattern, today. Right now. This can all change in a matter of months! But you have to be willing to look at that pattern of pain.