I miss the fantasy and I am scared of facing myself

escapingman · April 11, 2023, 11:18:45 AM

It has hit home hard and I really missed the life I thought I had. I am feeling completely on my own and whilst everyone else continue with their lives I am stuck her on my own with DD. With the divorce finalised, the only thing left is to complete the house sale and purchase and move, but I am stuck in a complete freeze where I can't get started with anything. I have got this down to a panic mode that uNPDxw will be allowed in to the house in a few days to collect items and that I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach that she will enter the house, and be able to complain about the state of the house (DD has had a fair few accidents and damaged a couple of items that belongs to uNPDxw). The final death of this fantasy will also be the disposal of the house I for so many years thought would be where we would live forever. The heightened contact as we have to work together in filling in forms and splitting up shared items has got me into a spin, I feel like a rabbit in the head light of a lorry and that lorry is rapidily catching up with me and I cannot get out. And it really doesn't help that my parents completely abandoned me and I have woken up to the death of the fantasy I had a normal FOO.

I want my fantasy back, I want all this to be a bad dream, I want uNPDxw to be the wife I always wanted but never had, I want my FOO to care about me, to actually come and visit me and be emotionally available. I don't want to have to face myself, I don't want to look at myself in the mirror and change all bad coping strategies, I just don't want to................ BUT I HAVE TO!

square · April 11, 2023, 11:41:18 AM

I'm sorry you're facing this.

Can you have another person (not DD) with you on the day she comes, as a witness and restraint on her behavior?

Make a short list now of things you can judge your ex for - whatever poor parenting or poor financial decisions or home management. When she pokes you with a zinger, smile to yourself as you think how much worse her doing X is compared to you having not prevented DD from whatever it is she did. The zingers work if we are fooled and shift our attention to our perceived weaknesses or failures - that's why PDs do it. But we can refuse to go along and continue to be aware of their weaknesses and failures instead.

I mean, so what, DD put a dent in a wall or whatever. Which isn't even your fault. I don't know the details but I know your ex has things she should be so ashamed of she should not dare to show her face.

The dent? What. Ever.

escapingman · April 11, 2023, 12:29:18 PM

DD and I will be out for the entire day, no way will I risk a confrontation with her, I don't dare thinking of what I would do if she provoked me. I am feeling sick about thinking of her and as things are right now my plan is to never speak to her ever again. As soon as the sale of the house is complete then it's back to 100% NC. She is now trying to manipulate DD but she is having nothing of it, the Easter card she received from uNPDxw and GC went straight to the cardboard recycling pile. I am feeling bad for how things have turned out for DD with literally being without a mum, but then I know it wasn't my choice and it wasn't me that did all the abuse.

But I do miss having an adult to share my days with, even though things were terrible with xw at least I could have adult conversation (or at least I thought I had, sometimes).

square · April 11, 2023, 12:36:28 PM

I'm really glad you won't have to be there when ex is there. Having recently been in a fight or flight state myself, I could all too easily imagine how hard that would have been.

I can relate a lot about wanting to share life with an adult partner. From where I'm sitting, it's hard for me to imagine that won't be in your future, when the time is right.

escapingman · April 11, 2023, 01:05:59 PM

I decided that what's in the house is just items, she has a list of which is hers and what she can take. I will secure what's important - which is literally nothing - then if she goes on a rampage and destroys anything of mine it will go in my favour going forward. But the only thing I am interested in is to cut the last tie which is selling the house. I even kept my own house purchase independent as I rather live in a hotel or hostel or whatever for a while just to make it happen as soon as possible. xw will have an entire day so I am hopeful she takes most of the items, some will be inconvenient to lose right now, but if she takes it she does.

square · April 11, 2023, 02:29:37 PM

A very healthy and mature way of seeing it, EM.

Pepin · April 11, 2023, 04:02:35 PM

I know these feelings all too well -- the inability to move forward and do anything because it all seems so overwhelming. Baby steps. Micro steps. One small step really can create a huge shift in my opinion. I also use my calendar to help guide me by scheduling certain tasks.

And I totally understand that you want what you had before when it was good. I have broken down in front of DH with the same thing....shocked at how we got to where we are today, questioning all my decisions that I thought were correct, and ultimately I'm destroyed over the fact that nowhere feels safe anymore. In fact today, I asked myself which abuse was worse: NF or my late CNMIL? What my younger self endured was unfair -- but, it happened -- abandoned by my mother emotionally and through death and left to be raised by a raging narcissist father. I took the steps to get out of that and run far away...with DH by my side, I thought I had done the right thing. We've had some serious bumps...thanks to his mother. And it is no excuse at this point what she did because we are all adults and responsible for our own actions and behaviors. The abuse I went through as a child was different and abandoning and I worked hard to move on from that. The abuse surrounding CNMIL (through DH) was devastating. And I very much miss the original man I married. I want that back. But now, like you, I know too much and have been through too much. Which means a new chapter. A different life that is very unfamiliar. I've had to find my footing before and I can do it again as will you.

If you don't already have a pet.....consider getting one. Lifesaver. My dog gets me outside and my mind off of all the crap. My dog allows my head to be empty when we are out exploring so that I can focus and be clear headed when it's time to sort through the tasks. Any animal will do....I hope this helps.

Poison Ivy · April 11, 2023, 07:35:06 PM

I've been divorced for almost 7 years. We were married for 31 years. My ex was the first and only person with whom I was intimate. I still sometimes miss being married, both the fantasy and the reality. But I don't regret getting divorced. Unfortunately or fortunately, being single remains the better option.

escapingman · April 12, 2023, 02:57:19 PM

Thanks for you support, I really couldn't do it without you.

I managed to kill the proscraniation and get a lot of paperwork done today. I feel good about it, I decided even I am not absolutely sure how to answere a question I do it anyway. Big step for me.

Also decided I don't care what state the house is in when X turns up for her stuff. I try to make it reasonable but not washing floors etc. After all, she is not a bloody princess is she (altough she thinks that)

Poison Ivy · April 12, 2023, 03:38:55 PM

I still have difficulty with my self-imposed expectation that the house (which all of us lived in before the divorce) should be clean and neat when my ex or our children visit. I think this is because two of the three of them are messy, and I used to criticize my ex about his lack of neatness, so now I feel guilty if I don't clean before they come here.

escapingman · April 13, 2023, 05:52:21 AM

Quote from: Poison Ivy on April 12, 2023, 03:38:55 PM
I still have difficulty with my self-imposed expectation that the house (which all of us lived in before the divorce) should be clean and neat when my ex or our children visit. I think this is because two of the three of them are messy, and I used to criticize my ex about his lack of neatness, so now I feel guilty if I don't clean before they come here.

xw used to scream at me for being messy and she basically followed me around clearing up after me, it was seriously messed up. In my office, which was 100% my place to work, she would come and dust the screen whilst I was working, get in with the hover and start hovering around me, all this is making me feel sick and I think both me and DD are both unconscious rebelling against this and both of us are struggling to keep things clear. I am aware of it, but I am not beating myself up about it and I am trying to not be to harsh on DD for her mess, although sometimes it get's out of hand like just now when she had left sweety wrappers all over the lounge and kept delaying clearing it up. I will do some cleaning before xw gets here, not for her but for my own pride as there will be people entering the house I live in.

As I feel much better now, I can see the worst that made me feel so bad was all the paperwork I had to complete, I am so bad with paperwork. But I stopped and thought about it and most of the fear of the paperwork is the OCD from xw that she always used to control anything I did and then question why I filled in something the way I did or complain about any spelling mistake or why my hand writing was so bad. When I decided I don't care if the forms are filled in with any small mistakes a big stone fell off my chest.

One step at a time, the end is near.

Poison Ivy · April 13, 2023, 07:54:38 AM

Reading about your experience from afar is helping me, escapingman. Thank you and keep going!

escapingman · April 13, 2023, 02:19:21 PM

Quote from: Poison Ivy on April 13, 2023, 07:54:38 AM
Reading about your experience from afar is helping me, escapingman. Thank you and keep going!

I am glad any of my writing is helpful for others.

It came to a head with my frustration with DD today, I found she had got chocolate all over the sofa. I really had to keep calm as I really don't want to repeat what her mother used to say to her, and I used to defend DD against this. Later on DD banged a football over some glasses in the kitchen, I have kept telling her to not kick balls like that for the best part of 6 months, I just had it and shouted STOP. She did and immediately apologised, she kept apologising as I think she realised why I had told her to not kick the ball like that. All good in the end and my initial raising my voice ended, looking back it wasn't a FFFF response but just a stop kicking the ball response.

Lookin 2 B Free · April 13, 2023, 08:25:20 PM

EM, To me, anyone who follows through with ending an abusive, trauma-bonded relationship is an inspiration. Ironically, they are much harder to quit than a healthy relationship, and it takes the average victim 7 tries before they actually accomplish it. Many never do. You have already beat the odds.

There's a reason a DV victim scraps the separation and returns to their abuser over and over. Following through with it is hard!!! I know it was for me. There may be cases where it's not, but I think the majority of the time we come out feeling hollow, bewildered, frightened and unsure of ourselves and how to go on with our lives.

Plus, being married to a PD is usually a very isolating experience. I had a good support system of friends at one time in my life, but so much of it was destroyed bc of the behavior of the PD. I hope you appreciate the tremendous courage it takes to do what you have done and are doing! I'm so glad you find this site such a source of support. It's been important to me, too.

escapingman · April 14, 2023, 07:07:15 AM

Quote from: Lookin 2 B Free on April 13, 2023, 08:25:20 PM
EM, To me, anyone who follows through with ending an abusive, trauma-bonded relationship is an inspiration. Ironically, they are much harder to quit than a healthy relationship, and it takes the average victim 7 tries before they actually accomplish it. Many never do. You have already beat the odds.

There's a reason a DV victim scraps the separation and returns to their abuser over and over. Following through with it is hard!!! I know it was for me. There may be cases where it's not, but I think the majority of the time we come out feeling hollow, bewildered, frightened and unsure of ourselves and how to go on with our lives.

Plus, being married to a PD is usually a very isolating experience. I had a good support system of friends at one time in my life, but so much of it was destroyed bc of the behavior of the PD. I hope you appreciate the tremendous courage it takes to do what you have done and are doing! I'm so glad you find this site such a source of support. It's been important to me, too.

I made my decision to leave years ago, I left twice but went back. Third time I made her leave which made it much easier as I could not go back as I was already at home. This is by far the hardest thing I ever done in my life, I still can't believe I am divorced from her.

mary_poppins · April 17, 2023, 02:45:24 PM

@escapingman

So sorry to hear all this. I do understand you, it is so incredibly sad to face the truth about these people-your family, your wife. I can't bare the truth either. It's a harsh reality we all need to wake up to.
Know that I am here if you need to talk.

Hugs

escapingman · April 17, 2023, 04:21:49 PM

Thank you Mary Poppins,

It has been very much heads on last weeks but I feel better, I have managed to ignore all her attempts to get contact. We have contact as practical things are needed to be sorted, but I am only stating facts and nothing else. XW collected items recently and I feel better for them being removed, she still have lots to collect and for every item gone I feel better.

I am going back to my hometown for a birthday party soon, I asked my sister to look after DD. I am worried about the possible charade, but DD said she wants to see my sister and I have to try it as I need someone to look after her as well. Last time I was there it was a disaster with my dads partner and I really can do without her managing to get involved again.