Assisted Living move-in day - so much drama!

[wisingup]

Well, today was the big day to move mom to her AL facility.  For weeks, my brother & I have been jumping through all the required hoops - paperwork, medical evaluations, shutting off utilities, downsizing her belongings - while also dealing with her recurrent UTIs that required extra doctor visits & picking up her regular life tasks like grocery shopping as she's been too incapacitated to do those things.

So we both arrived today already exhausted & stressed.  The logistics of the day were complicated, involving a truck rental, a charity coming to pick up large furniture items, & then just the physical labor of the move itself. 

Brother and DH and myself were laser focused on the tasks at hand - getting everything packed & into the truck.  But predictably, mom wanted lots of attention & emotional coddling.  When she didn't get it, she began to complain and snipe at us.  Well, tempers frayed at that point.  I won't go into detail, but brother & I said angry things to her, she told me that I had made her life miserable, told my brother to go away & never come back (which he very nearly did) and dissolved into tears sitting on the floor. 

Brother, DH & I mostly just let her be & agreed to get on with what needed to be done without interacting with mom to the degree possible.  Within an hour, she was apologizing to us, promising to be nice, and telling us how much she loved us. 

The rest of the day went fine.  She's in.  Someone will cook her dinner tonight & check on her before bed.  The nurses took all her meds & will come daily to give them to her.  She has a pendant to wear if she falls, and transportation to shopping & doctors appointments. I feel totally worked over physically and emotionally, but she's in.

[Poison Ivy]

Very stressful for everyone. Now you can get some rest, I hope.

[bloomie]

wisingup -

but she's in.

It is grueling getting there, and she may find fault with everyone and everything, but she is in! And you know she has support, transportation, and help despite whatever drama she attempts to stir up. This is a victory and I hope you and yours can rest up and celebrate very soon.

Very happy for you!!!

[wisingup]

Thanks for the kind words, Poison Ivy and Bloomie!  Hopefully I can decompress over the course of today. 

Mom has this sense of entitlement to her children's time & attention.  Apparently we were just doing our duty by devoting every weekend in service to her.  And we were falling way short of expectations in the amount of attention she wanted & entertaining her whims. 

She trotted out all the classic oldies, throwing everything out there to see what might stick:

- I had such a hard childhood - why can't you be nicer to me?
- I'm so old and have health problems now - why can't you be nicer to me?
- You never told me what I did to make you mad at me
- That was such a long time ago - I don't act like that anymore
- You never send me anything for mother's day
- How did I end up with such mean kids?
- I never see my grandkids

And threw in a new one -
- Looking straight at me with daggers in her eyes saying "You have made my life so miserable" referring to me finally confronting her several years ago & beginning our on & off estrangement.

Never a hint of curiosity why brother & I started to avoid her and call her on her bad behavior, just anger that we did so.

Once she hit rock bottom, sitting on the floor crying, she eventually calmed down & I was able to tell her some things that got through at least for the rest of the day:
- You have 3 people here who work full time & are spending their entire weekend in service to you, not to mention all the days leading up to this day
- All we want is for you to treat us nicely.  Stop complaining, stop making sarcastic comments, let us do what we need to do and everything will go fine.
- "I'm sorry" doesn't mean anything until you follow up on it by stopping the behaviors that are upsetting us.

So we got through the day.  Once we arrived at the new facility, staff members came by to introduce themselves - she got some attention & was appeased. 

Oy.  What a journey.  Sadly, I thought of how fun a day it could have been if mom were a normal mom.  But honestly, if she were a normal mom, there's a good chance brother or I would have her living with us. 

[lkdrymom]

I remember moving in day for my father at assisted living.  I was just done and couldn't take it anymore.  Total exhaustion. No real appreciation for the countless hours it took to make this happen. Every time he tried to 'help' he'd create some disaster which caused more work for me.  By the end of the day I burst into tears over it.  I am not someone who cries easily.

[lkdrymom]

I'm glad you told her how it is. Pointing out how much time 3 adults who work full time  took to help her and all she did was complain.  When she told you that you made her life miserable I would have said "Right back at ya honey".  Or  asked her if she wanted everyone to leave and let her finish all of this alone.

[wisingup]

I remember moving in day for my father at assisted living.  I was just done and couldn't take it anymore.  Total exhaustion. No real appreciation for the countless hours it took to make this happen. Every time he tried to 'help' he'd create some disaster which caused more work for me.  By the end of the day I burst into tears over it.  I am not someone who cries easily.

Lkdrymom - yes, that pretty well sums it up!  I hope things were easier for you once he was in.

I wonder if we had a typical experience, or if it goes more smoothly for others.  I have to guess that a fair number of assisted living residents are there because they are difficult and no one in their family is willing to take them in.

[lkdrymom]

I remember moving in day for my father at assisted living.  I was just done and couldn't take it anymore.  Total exhaustion. No real appreciation for the countless hours it took to make this happen. Every time he tried to 'help' he'd create some disaster which caused more work for me.  By the end of the day I burst into tears over it.  I am not someone who cries easily.

Lkdrymom - yes, that pretty well sums it up!  I hope things were easier for you once he was in.

I wonder if we had a typical experience, or if it goes more smoothly for others.  I have to guess that a fair number of assisted living residents are there because they are difficult and no one in their family is willing to take them in.

Being willing most times just doesn't come in to play.  Lifestyles have changed over the last 50-60 years.  Most households need two incomes so there is no one home to watch the elder.  How many families have an extra bedroom just sitting open?  People are living longer and longer.  Before you took in grandma and she lasted 12-18 months.  Now it is 12-18 YEARS.  On another forum I am on I see so many people giving up their futures to take in someone who expects to be taken care of, not appreciates it.  Then they come on the forum desperate to find a way out while still 'in the fog' and insisting they have to save this person.  I could never have taken my father in.  I couldn't stand being around him for very long, he was draining.  He was pleasant but so needy, he wanted constant attention and I just can't do that. (his favorite line was "I thought you needed something to do") I have a two story house with no first floor bedroom, gas appliances and 5 cats.  How long before the first disaster there?  People are in AL for two reasons...no one can stand to live with them or no one has the ability to give up their livelihood to care for them.

[wisingup]

Good points, lkdrymom. 

People are going straight from raising children to caring for their parents, sometimes overlapping.  All while working full time.  It's beyond exhausting mentally and physically.

[Poison Ivy]

My mom is age 94 1/2, still living in her own home but only because my sister has given up her own life (sister's words, yesterday) to live with mom. This is most stressful for my sister but also is stressful for me and my other siblings, especially the one who, like me, lives nearby and visits regularly (about once per week).

[SunnyMeadow]

I remember jumping through all those hoops wisingup. It's exhausting, stressful and emotional. I'm glad you and your brother are done with the whole thing. Their sense of entitlement is mind blowing. Take, take, take and keep expecting more. 

She trotted out all the classic oldies, throwing everything out there to see what might stick:

- I had such a hard childhood - why can't you be nicer to me?
- I'm so old and have health problems now - why can't you be nicer to me?
- You never told me what I did to make you mad at me
- That was such a long time ago - I don't act like that anymore
- You never send me anything for mother's day
- How did I end up with such mean kids?
- I never see my grandkids

And threw in a new one -
- Looking straight at me with daggers in her eyes saying "You have made my life so miserable" referring to me finally confronting her several years ago & beginning our on & off estrangement. 

Oh that's funny, my mother had this very same handbook of attention grabbing lines to try.  The next one may be how awful the food is at the place you two picked. sigh......

Enjoy your downtime and I hope you're able to decompress quickly.

[Pepin]

Being willing most times just doesn't come in to play.  Lifestyles have changed over the last 50-60 years.  Most households need two incomes so there is no one home to watch the elder.  How many families have an extra bedroom just sitting open?  People are living longer and longer.  Before you took in grandma and she lasted 12-18 months.  Now it is 12-18 YEARS.  On another forum I am on I see so many people giving up their futures to take in someone who expects to be taken care of, not appreciates it.  Then they come on the forum desperate to find a way out while still 'in the fog' and insisting they have to save this person.  I could never have taken my father in.  I couldn't stand being around him for very long, he was draining.  He was pleasant but so needy, he wanted constant attention and I just can't do that. (his favorite line was "I thought you needed something to do") I have a two story house with no first floor bedroom, gas appliances and 5 cats.  How long before the first disaster there?  People are in AL for two reasons...no one can stand to live with them or no one has the ability to give up their livelihood to care for them.

TRUTH!  Couldn't have said it better.

wisingup, I am sorry you had such a rough day --and all the other ick that led up to it as well.  You, your brother and husband worked hard to get her organized and moved in, all things she could not do herself without the help.  Her supposed meltdown was nothing more than her realizing that her supply had had enough.  And now she will be in the hands of those who are trained to deal with people like her.

Not going to lie but I'm actually a little envious of you that you were able to achieve this.    I wished for many years that my late CN MIL could have been placed in AL.  The bare minimum was being done in order to maintain her living at her home and when we cleaned it out after her death, we realized just how incapable she truly was.  Because she was allowed to live in her home until her death (by pulling at DH's heartstrings and dangling money), it allowed her to manufacture "emergencies" in order to get the attention she craved.  It meant she ran the show and we were all her support staff and it allowed her to cause massive and unreversable division throughout the extended family.  There was nothing about this that was meaningful at all; it was all solely transactional.  She didn't give a F about anyone other than herself.

Wishing you all the best going forward after this tumultuous experience as it is amazing news.

[wisingup]

The next one may be how awful the food is at the place you two picked. sigh.....

Yep, I'm just waiting for this one.  Back about 18 months ago, when she was resisting the idea of AL, we took her to tour our first choice of facilities & she ruled it out saying the food was terrible (it wasn't). 

Wishing you all the best going forward after this tumultuous experience as it is amazing news.

Thank you Pepin - it really is, isn't it?  Maybe it will start to sink in as I calm down from the past few weeks of crazy.

I wished for many years that my late CN MIL could have been placed in AL.  The bare minimum was being done in order to maintain her living at her home and when we cleaned it out after her death, we realized just how incapable she truly was.  Because she was allowed to live in her home until her death (by pulling at DH's heartstrings and dangling money), it allowed her to manufacture "emergencies" in order to get the attention she craved.  It meant she ran the show and we were all her support staff and it allowed her to cause massive and unreversable division throughout the extended family.  There was nothing about this that was meaningful at all; it was all solely transactional.  She didn't give a F about anyone other than herself.

I'm so sorry.  Its unbelievable.  How on earth can they not see the stress they cause the people they claim to love?

[Pepin]

I'm so sorry.  Its unbelievable.  How on earth can they not see the stress they cause the people they claim to love?

Claim to love=manipulate

They cause stress to keep us confused and submissive....it's awful and I wonder what normal healthy stress feels like? 

[lkdrymom]

Being willing most times just doesn't come in to play.  Lifestyles have changed over the last 50-60 years.  Most households need two incomes so there is no one home to watch the elder.  How many families have an extra bedroom just sitting open?  People are living longer and longer.  Before you took in grandma and she lasted 12-18 months.  Now it is 12-18 YEARS.  On another forum I am on I see so many people giving up their futures to take in someone who expects to be taken care of, not appreciates it.  Then they come on the forum desperate to find a way out while still 'in the fog' and insisting they have to save this person.  I could never have taken my father in.  I couldn't stand being around him for very long, he was draining.  He was pleasant but so needy, he wanted constant attention and I just can't do that. (his favorite line was "I thought you needed something to do") I have a two story house with no first floor bedroom, gas appliances and 5 cats.  How long before the first disaster there?  People are in AL for two reasons...no one can stand to live with them or no one has the ability to give up their livelihood to care for them.

TRUTH!  Couldn't have said it better.

wisingup, I am sorry you had such a rough day --and all the other ick that led up to it as well.  You, your brother and husband worked hard to get her organized and moved in, all things she could not do herself without the help.  Her supposed meltdown was nothing more than her realizing that her supply had had enough.  And now she will be in the hands of those who are trained to deal with people like her.

Not going to lie but I'm actually a little envious of you that you were able to achieve this.    I wished for many years that my late CN MIL could have been placed in AL.  The bare minimum was being done in order to maintain her living at her home and when we cleaned it out after her death, we realized just how incapable she truly was.  Because she was allowed to live in her home until her death (by pulling at DH's heartstrings and dangling money), it allowed her to manufacture "emergencies" in order to get the attention she craved.  It meant she ran the show and we were all her support staff and it allowed her to cause massive and unreversible division throughout the extended family.  There was nothing about this that was meaningful at all; it was all solely transactional.  She didn't give a F about anyone other than herself.

Wishing you all the best going forward after this tumultuous experience as it is amazing news.

I remember all those emergencies.  My father would expect me to leave work to reprogram his remote control.  You know the one I reprogrammed last week when he screwed it up.  When I told him I couldn't he would wail "what am I going to do???"  My reply was "get up off your butt and change the channel manually or use the TV in your bedroom".  This is not an emergency. I will fix it when I come to take you shopping on our regularly scheduled day.  He would do anything to get me to come more than my once every other week visit.  All over nothing.  Not only did I work but I had obligation to my kids which he would tell me to just get someone else to do it.  Never mentioned who exactly "someone else" was.   If I told him I was going away for a few days he wanted to know who I got to replace me for his needs (just in case).  Um, no one.   Getting him into AL made it better but didn't take it away completely.  He always had an excuse for needing me to be there.  Funny how he could never tell me what he needed over the phone, it had to be face to face.  He'd insist I have to come over because he has to talk to me.  I'd tell him we were talking now (it was ok for me to take calls at work) so tell me what it is. Nope I have to see him and when I would go he'd say 'never mind".

[wisingup]

Update:  I had to call mom to get some info to change her address with various entities, & got the full love bomb treatment.  "It was so nice of you and DH and brother to work so hard to move me in.  I can't wait to have you visit."  All syrupy sweet, not a mention of her abhorrent behavior from Saturday.   Yeah, I won't be visiting anytime soon.

As we parted after the move, Brother told me "you know you're done now, right?"  He was basically saying he would handle all interaction with her going forward (medical appts & such) & I'll see her on a couple of holidays and manage her finances in the background.  I know it's not that simple and I won't place that entire burden on him, but it sure was a nice offer.

[Boat Babe]

Oh well done Wisingup. As you know I don't have the bandwidth right now for more feedback but I am so happy for you that this is now finalized for you. Enjoy the peace and quiet.

[moglow]

"As we parted after the move, Brother told me "you know you're done now, right?"  He was basically saying he would handle all interaction with her going forward (medical appts & such) & I'll see her on a couple of holidays and manage her finances in the background.  I know it's not that simple and I won't place that entire burden on him, but it sure was a nice offer."

I'm sure digging this for you, Wisingup. Having people genuinely in our corner changes everything. Being able to step away from the negative adds just that much more.

When the comments start rolling, limit the calls even further if you need to but don't sit there in it with her. I'm a firm believer that a body who wants to be mad, sad, negative will always find something.

[wisingup]

Thank you all for the amazing support.  It's been a really peaceful week!