Intro + Still in the fog

[Piano33]

Life has been pretty crazy recently. My therapist recommended I go on here, especially given what's been going on. So I'm giving it a try. I made an international move and recently moved back home 8-months ago, and I'm living in my parents house on a separate floor until my husband and I's home have renters moved out of our current home and can move in.

A little backstory on my parents – they've been separated for over 15 years. My mom was cheating on my dad for years (my sister and I would read her text messages and emails when we were kids) and she left the year I came back from college, and my youngest sister went off to college. Her reasoning was my dad's physical abuse that happened a few times in their final years together. When she left, she left with another man but kept it a secret from everyone except my two sisters and I, involving us in a lie. When I refused to participate, she kept relationships going during these 15 years and lived in multiple parts of the world (one time we found out she was living in Nigeria), but would pretend she was in Colorado with her own siblings. (My sisters, father and I have always lived in Europe). Despite having been physically hit sometimes when I was a kid by my father, I have to say my mother leaving the house overnight with no warning and none other than an email of reasons she sent to my father and myself and sisters was the most traumatic event of my life. It's something I still deal with. For months after she was unreachable, and we found later she was in Hawaii and other parts of the world starting new lives. Witnessing my father unravel, and myself, and desperately trying to connect with her felt like nothing other than abandonment (even though I was 23). Over time, life stabilized and became somewhat predictable. I got married at 26, had two children, have lived in multiple parts of the world since. The space actually provided opportunities (and thousands of therapy sessions) which taught me a lot about boundaries, PD's, and living a mentally healthy lifestyle. (Although, I do have generally pleasant memories and feelings when thinking of my childhood).

About 8 months ago my father was about to get remarried – my PD mom became unhinged in relation to the financial assets. Although all asset's were already divided, she was infuriated at the possibility of another woman living in the house (a new house purchased since she had left over 15 years ago, not the one we grew up in), and having access to any of my dad's funds. She foremost tried manipulating my sister's and I to be involved, which didn't work with me (trying to scare us that this new woman would take everything from us). I was happy for him that he was finally moving on. Fast-forward to today, the engagement fell through, my mom decided to move back in the house and I feel like I've been being punished ever since.

I expressed to my mom I feel like I'm being used as a scapegoat for her anger towards my father, and emotionally abused. It's only gotten worse. I'm big on boundaries and keeping a lot of distance, especially because I have so much to keep me busy – two beautiful children, a wonderful husband, a busy career, and we've just made an international move and are still acclimating (finding the right school, right community after being gone for 4 years, etc). Since she's been back she's caused arguments between myself and sisters at different times, tried to wedge problems between my father and myself, and done as much splitting as possible. Yesterday we had a blow-out argument where she accused me of blocking her on Instagram (I had her limited on stories, because she was communicating my whereabouts to my younger sister causing friction and problems), and in response she removed pictures of my kids, blocked me, asked my father to get involved and try to get me to move out of the house. We both argued and I unraveled and shouted – said I felt abused, targeted. That I felt like I was drowning since moving back and am trying to keep afloat. She said I'm not the only one to feel upset – which I think reminded her that the dynamic of our relationship is I'M the child. SHE is the parent. I cannot take care of her emotionally. She reacted and called me "selfish to the core." I reacted and said she's been a horrible mother – abandoning us all for over 15 years, living double-lives. That she's emotionally abused and manipulated me for years and walked all over my middle sister, who struggles with boundaries and suffers from chronic depression. That she's abused my youngest sister the most – who has an eating disorder and is an alcoholic, and even refuses to come back home because of the trauma she's experienced. I completely unraveled. And today, the day after, I feel worse for having done so.

I surely feel "In the Fog," and desperately want to learn to stay out of it. If not for myself, for the sake of my children and husband and protecting our beautiful life.

[bloomie]

Piano33 - I am glad you made your way here. You write so well, so eloquently, that I could get somewhat of a comprehensive picture of the painful, destructive path your mother has cut through the core of all of your lives. That you are grappling with the consequences of your mother's continued self serving, self seeking, selfish to the core choices makes perfect sense to me. My heart is heavy thinking of all that you and your sisters have been trying to sort out and through for so long.

We both argued and I unraveled and shouted – said I felt abused, targeted. That I felt like I was drowning since moving back and am trying to keep afloat. She said I'm not the only one to feel upset – which I think reminded her that the dynamic of our relationship is I'M the child. SHE is the parent. I cannot take care of her emotionally. She reacted and called me "selfish to the core." I reacted and said she's been a horrible mother – abandoning us all for over 15 years, living double-lives. That she's emotionally abused and manipulated me for years and walked all over my middle sister, who struggles with boundaries and suffers from chronic depression. That she's abused my youngest sister the most – who has an eating disorder and is an alcoholic, and even refuses to come back home because of the trauma she's experienced. I completely unraveled.

May I gently suggest something as a possibility? Just maybe, for the first time in your life, you said what you needed to say. You spoke the truth in the face of another round of divisive, targeted, harmful behavior from your mother. Isn't what you said true? Isn't that how you have experienced your mother? Isn't this what she has done? As a parent yourself, you know that how your mother responded to your pain and unraveling was not what a healthy, mature parent's love looks like. 

A very wise friend once told me that it is okay to both mean what we said and wish we had said it more calmly. I have held on to that, because I have had to recognize that as one who absorbs and takes it and sucks it up and keeps on keeping on there comes a time, when faced with the injustice and hypocrisy of such a one like your mother, what sounds like a terminally character disordered person, that I finally find my voice. And the deep well of emotions, the abandoned child's cry that has so long been silenced, finds its way out. And I mean what I say. I speak the truth. And it can be messy. And being gentle with myself in the face of that is an important part of healing.

I hope today, you will be gentle with yourself. You have endured much. You are in the midst of what sounds like further dysfunctional, confusing dance between your mother and father. And that is a whole other part of the puzzle here and not at all my business, but I have to wonder why in the world is your mother living with your father again???  What a mess your parents have made, and what a high price you and your sisters are paying for their choices.

You have landed in a community who understands at a level many in our everyday lives cannot. You will read the stories of others and see similar patterns to disordered, toxic behaviors to those you have encountered and it will validate and help give you insights and breathing room in the most unique way, I have found.

We don't tell you what to do here. We support you, sometimes challenge you, offer resources and insights from our own lives to help you find stable ground under your feet related to the family relationships that are causing you disruption and pain.

Settle in and take a look around at the resources at the drop down menus above, book recommendations, other online resources members recommend, and the wealth of conversations that have covered a myriad of subjects related to coping with loved ones who are hurting us.

And... keep coming back and sharing as you are able. It helps to lighten a heavy load.

[Piano33]

I have to thank you so much for your response. It brought me to tears – I'm not sure if this is common of children with PD parents, but often (especially in times of turmoil and angst with my family), I wonder if it's all me? Amplifying, overanalyzing, being hyper-sensitive, or reactive to what other people might interpret as just "annoying parent behavior." I'm not sure if second-guessing yourself, guilt and shame or part of this journey, but it sometimes feels like an unhealthy hamster wheel of internal self-criticism.

Responses like yours, are so self-validating. Being gentle with myself is a separate journey, in and of it's own. I think that might be why my therapist wanted me to come on here. 

Thank you again