I'm not sure how to move on...I'm stuck

[finally_fiona]

[trigger warning - physical abuse]

A couple years ago, after deciding to separate from my husband of 20 years, I entered into a "situationship" with a guy ten years younger than me. We met on a dating app and he lied. First of all, his photos were from pre-covid, so he did not look the same. He had gained weight but I didn't care because I had too and I was just happy to have someone to hang out with. I didn't judge him for that. It said he owned his own business but he was actually unemployed and had no money. Basically, I was misled from the very beginning of who he really was. It ended up being a very toxic relationship. We would drink heavily every time we were together. We both admitted we were alcoholics. I knew early on he was abusive. We would be fine one minute and then he would blow up (jekyll and hyde) and kick me out of his apartment. This happened multiple times but he would always apologize afterward and I would forgive him. I guess I didn't have any self confidence at the time and I was very vulnerable during this relationship because I was depressed and lonely. He also abused me financially. It started by asking for $10-$20 but soon I was being guilted into paying his rent! I spent thousands of dollars on him over the past two years. I think maybe I didn't want to say no for fear I would lose him. One time when we broke up I noticed my debit card was missing and then had charges for doordash that were from restaurants right next to his house so I know he stole it. We would have a few good nights together and then get into a fight again where he would sling the worst insults at me. One night he got mad and urinated in my new car. The last straw was when he finally became physically violent with me. I knew I had to walk away or I might not make it out alive.

He would often text me telling me I was ugly, fat and a host of other horrible things for no reason at all. But then again, he would apologize and say he didn't mean it. It got extremely unhealthy. I tried to cut him off many times but he would always squeeze his way back in somehow. I just wasn't strong enough to fully let him go. Last September I met someone else who is so wonderful and I finally cut him off for good. Unfortunately, in a drunken state, I texted him and let him back in my life in January. It was on and off until last month, when I text him to see if we could get together. He told me he had met someone new and they had fallen in love at first sight. He made sure to tell me that she is his age (he always made me feel bad about being older). And he told me she's so beautiful while calling me ugly, fat, and saying he couldn't believe I would ever think we could be together because "look at me."

I must admit, I have not been okay since this exchange. He has not spoken with me since and is now "in a relationship" on his facebook status. I have blocked him on everything and tried to move on. But I am stuck. How do I do this? I'm struggling to be okay daily. I have lost 15 pounds since he said I was fat and unattractive. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I cannot stop picturing them being happy together living the life with him that I always tried so hard to make happen. Part of me knows that he is a narcissistic abuser and there's a good chance he's treating the new supply the same way he treated me. His issues wouldn't just disappear overnight. I was so depressed I was unable to get out of bed this past weekend. I've gone no contact. Haven't seen him for 7 weeks and haven't spoken for 5 weeks. But I cannot move on. I guess I'm just looking for any advice or maybe just to feel a little bit better about the situation.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. What a terrible experience you have been through this past two years! My heart goes out to you.

How are you today? I hope you are able to get out of bed and eat a bit and hydrate if nothing else. Just a baby step toward recovering.

I want to suggest that after 20 years of marriage and that relationship ending, you had to be so vulnerable. I can't imagine what it would be like to reenter the dating scene and find yourself engulfed by what sounds like a major player and master manipulator. How could you possibly have been prepared for all of the chaos you encountered after being lured in. I am just so sorry this happened.

You have already paid a very high price for having been duped into believing this person - who clearly has zero human kindness and an abject lack of character. I hope you will reach out to a trained professional to help you sort through and put in proper perspective all you have been subjected to. I want to offer a national hotline that you can call and talk with someone and possibly get a referral to someone in your area you can work with for in person support: call 988 or visit
https://mentalhealthhotline.org
https://nationaldepressionhotline.org
https://mentalhealthhotline.org/mental-health-hotline-for-adults-getting-help-for-mental-health-issues/

You have taken brave and decided steps to block and distance yourself from an abusive former partner. You have also taken courageous steps to reach out here and begin to form a network around yourself where you are the focus and your healing and recovery is primary. We will support you here at Out of the FOG. We will come alongside of you and cheer you on. Combined with in real life support, this community is a place to share, ask questions, and gain insights.

Take a good look at the resources at the drop down menus above, the other online resources members recommend, book recommendations and begin to read the posts of others recovering from disordered, abusive treatment and when you are ready join the conversations.

A great jumping in point would be our Separating and Divorcing board where you will find others who are dealing with the aftermath of having been in such a destructive relationship.

I am thankful you have found us and hope you find your time here to be of great help!

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I am so sorry you have such troubles.

Is your "someone else" still around and able to give you some support?

Your last paragraph suggests your logical brain knows that you are well rid of him, but your emotional brain is struggling. I am familiar with this split and I know how tough it can be to cope. You have been very strong in keeping up the no contact so far. Moving on takes time and energy and maybe you just need to look after yourself in the here and now as you stay strong with your no contact resolve. Eventually the no contact should feel more normal and you can begin to address what else you might want to do.

Wishing you all the best.