Frustrated trying to make it work...

[Hopeful]

I need to vent for a moment. I've been in a toxic trauma bonded marriage for almost 2 decades with 2 kids.

Covert/Vulnerable N, (cluster B PDO) isn't something I became aware of until about a decade ago our couple's counselor identified it in my In-Laws. The counselor ID'd Overt and Covert in members of the In-Laws. The toxic behaviors had been evident from day 1. My SO vacillates between believing that and being in denial, (completely dismissing well experienced, educated counselorS).

My SO and I worked with the counselor to mend the rupture with the In-Laws. Today there is a cordial relationship as boundaries have been in place.

A year or so later I saw a counselor to focus on myself. I wanted to work on myself. In the first few minutes she identified, (without me offering the info) the V/CNPD of the SO and then the O and C NPD of the In-Laws. It has taken many years of counseling sessions for me to open my eyes to my reality.

Prior to me seeing this counselor exclusively, my SO and I had a few sessions with her as a couple. She identified IMAGO therapy as the best for us. The psychoanalyst counselor, (PAC) we saw prior to this counselor, saw a self-victimized SO at all, (less than a handful of sessions). The PAC wouldn't see the SO for a second session until SO was stabilized on an antidepressant. The victim personality that showed up was a personification I'd never seen before. He was three distinct personalities and it was like watching a light go "on" and "off" at these sessions. No accountability what so ever. It was the strangest thing to witness. SO sat back quietly during the sessions, because PAC got real, real fast, was direct and the personality the SO brought was someone I had never seen before. We did not return and instead have been learning about IMAGO as directness sends the SO into a tailspin and a lot of deflection tricks were used.

Well, here we are today and the SO pulled that card again today. When the couple's counselor, who is versed in C/VNPDO, asked how things had gone over the past months, (we did a 3 day workshop), (which hasn't been the best, but it seems some growth may be have occurred, ie. SO didn't leave for 5 days with no communication, although the SO did threaten divorce and other crazy making behavior) instead of stepping up and bringing up a topic, SO "baited" me.

He brought up a topic I have avoided talking about as we have so many more significant issues. I've avoided it because while sexual intimacy/infidelity and mistrust is a chunk of our issue, weekly labile behaviors, toxic triad, threatening divorce, slamming doors, word salad, gaslighting, deflection, non-accountability and almost daily disgruntlement with me or the kids are issues I don't think the SO wants to discuss. The SO certainly does not bring it up. Me and our kids, behind closed doors get to experience it weekly.

Another issue is that when SO feels attacked, SO ups the shock factor and deflects by taking attention off themself and places it on the partner or blames the kids or me.

Just under a decade now, I've seen and can, (in my head) call out the C/VNPD behaviors. They are textbook. The episodic cycles, the GL, (all 4 types). deflection, denial, delusions, blame, shame, depression, rages. I've grown so tired of being love bombed, or existing superficially and neutrally to where I relax and then disregarded/dismissed and punished.

By the time I'm boomeranged, I'm just so relieved to not be in the quagmire of darkness mind F* with the SO that my nerves calm, I'm able to relax, rest my nerves and brain and breath again and hope the calm lasts longer this time.

I want my SO to figure out their stuff, so we can do repair work and learn better coping skills and embody IMAGO to convert our trauma bonded intensity relationship into an intimate one. I've been told, by my counselor, that my SO doesn't want to change. That Cluster B PD like the constant state of uneasiness and disruption.

Looking back 2 decades ago, I can pin point the events that I saw the subtle red flags and some less subtle than others. I was naive and young and while I found attributions linked to Cluster B PD, I also thought I was falsely attributing.

Now there are kids involved, and there are some good qualities and good times, so it is difficult to walk away and cut all ties. I've seen friends who have cut ties with their NPD abusers, but V/CNPD are a whole different dynamic.

Their public persona is transfixing and the smoke and mirrors are convincing at times.

  My eldest has started to be able to identify the toxic behaviors, my youngest hasn't.

I want to believe that the SO will realize they are miserable with the cycles and want something better. I want IMAGO to lift us all up out of this.

I really don't know what to do.

I have my own counselor who is extremely helpful and is helping me manage and protect the kids too, (if we divorce the SO would have unsupervised time with the kids and I fear the SO would rage at them and I wouldn't be able.to.intervene and help). I've been told by others that staying makes it worse.

I just need the SO to want better too, to be accountable and do the work that has been placed at their feet.

In one minute we are supposed to IMAGO. They are supposed to initiate, but I have a feeling the SO will find a way that we don't do it.  Forever delaying, procrastinating and blame shifting to avoid the inevitable.

[Kitbit]

I can remember wanting and hoping for a therapeutic remedy for the cnpd in my life. I felt that therapy held out a possibility, if only the cnpd would pursue it. After much learning about npd I was actually relieved to give up that notion. The relationship ended but we are still connected. My energies are directed toward managing my participation in the interaction rather than hoping for cure. Much of it involves figuring out how to accommodate the npd without giving up too much of myself. I've found this approach much better than hoping for a transformation. There is much online - Sam Vaknin is a good source. Npd is fixed - all you can do is work with what is available, but improvement is possible. Focus on your own healing and boundaries (applied to yourself rather than externally) without relying on your partner to transform. It creates a greater feeling of inner freedom for you and gives them the best chance of better behavior. Things will still be perilous, but it is a better way - at least in my experience.

Be careful as well with couples therapy. It can be an opportunity for further manipulation and exploitation from the npd. Hope this is helpful to you.

[notrightinthehead]

Just want to add my welcome. You have been guided to the Toolbox already, I can only confirm that the implementation of the tools have made my home life so much calmer.
And the hope for change in your partner! I remember praying that I would be able to give up the hope. It was so hard to let go of it. Because all my efforts, all my trying to bend myself into a bretzel would have been for nothing. Which it turned out, they were. See you around on the boards!