Hello

[Longbard]

I have come to the realization that my mother is borderline.  Undiagnosed, but the dynamic makes everything make sense.  Without going into a huge amount of detail here's my story.
I had a happy childhood. Unfortunately dystonic depression I think took hold when I was a teenager.  I compensated for years.  Excelled in academics, went to university and was always driven to succeed.  I entered the 'real' world in 2004 as a newly minted teacher without a job.  Dad died in 2003 and the FOG I think drove me to return home.
The first sign of a problem was her. need to follow me wherever I went.  I got a job, she followed.  Hell, we lived together.  I thought this was ok because I now realize I had been manipulated into thinking this.  I had a breakdown in 2008 and got help.  Perhaps my therapist at the time could tell, but gave me the best advice.  Get away from this dynamic.  I left the country and lived on the other side of the planet to get away from her.
2020 hit and I came home because we thought it could be the end of the world. I realized that even though we had regular contact, she had been lying about her physical and mental health.  I came home in 2021 because it was clear that she (appeared) needed help.  I spent 6 months getting my own shit together (Career change, healthy lifestyle etc). I got a job and the demon came back hard.  She never wanted me to go to work, and came up with insane excuses and whatnot.  I realized this was a huge manipulation and called her bluff in December.  I said she finds a place to live or I'm outta here. 

So she moved to an independent living situation.  It has solved a myriad of problems, except now she sometimes calls ALL THE TIME.  I ignore the phone, no ringer or vibration.  She has fallen 3x and called the ambulance 2x because of being suicidal.  I've taken her to the ER too.  She has to now follow rules to keep her living situation or go to assisted living.  Of course, there has been a lot of drama during this time, but now I am done.

She has had depression and is finally getting her meds managed (another condition of staying).  I had assumed depression was at the heart of this.  She has been in a shit mood for almost a year and on Tuesday it seemed to be a miracle.  We could talks and seemingly enjoy each other's company.  On Wednesday and Thursday and Friday complete shit.  Today is mostly ok.  It's not depression.  It's a personality disorder.  I'm predicting tomorrow will be shit.

Tonight she declared she wanted to live alone.  Guess what? I just went along with it.  I know she will fall, not take meds, make a mess and try to drag me into it.  I won't help her destroy herself, but I can't stop it either. I feel liberated.  She's not out of my life completely, but I can control when and how I see her.  If she's in a shit mood, I avoid.  If she's nice, we can play cards or something.  I can assert myself now.  I don't have to deal with her bullshit.

So that's where I am. My apologies for the long post, but writing this for a like-minded and experienced audience is kind of cathartic.

[SonofThunder]

Hello Longbard!

A very warm welcome to Out of the FOG!  Yes, you stated accurately this place is a group of like minded/experienced people from all over the world.  Out of the FOG is additionally a group of calm, kind and caring peoples and for me personally, I love my friendships being made at this place. 

I consider my online friends as meaningful and real as my in-person friends.  In ways honestly superior, as I believe I am better able to express my feelings in writing. Additionally, I am a better 'active-listener' to other's writings vs in-person speaking.  Ive spent so many decades with a PD in my face spewing that word-salad and manipulation, that Im very prone to over-processing a person's motive in face-to-face interaction. 

I hope you will find some gentle friendships here with people who have similar background to you.  Im sorry to read you experience PD behaviors from your mother and that you suffer psychological difficulties as a result.  We who deal with these difficult personalities are truly emotionally, and therefore physically abused. 

I always recommend new members visit the Personality Disorders tab at the top and the top 100 traits list in the drop-down. I suggest, if you have not done so already, you start aligning the terminology there with the traits you experience in your mother, to familiarize yourself and possibly journal about your experiences and how they fit with the terms.  Those terms may assist you in further understanding and discussion here at Out of the FOG.

At the same time, just to the right of that tab, see the Toolbox tab. That tab is where you want to hammer down your tent posts and begin to camp out, soaking in the provided materials.

These new friends always leave chairs open around the campfire discussions at the forum boards.  Please make yourself at home, kick off your worn-out walking shoes and rest your sore feet around the warm friendly fires of topical conversation. 

See you around the boards!

SoT

[bloomie]

Longbard - a warm welcome to you! Thank you for sharing some of your backstory and the relationship issues with your mom that bring you here. What a long journey this has been for you and what good decisions you have made along the way for your life. Despite your mother's demands.

You have done hard work already to steady yourself and seem to have a good grasp on how to limit, or remove yourself, from your mom's destructive cycles. Juggling your responses to your mother's every shifting moods and drama bound behaviors takes a huge toll and I am thankful you have joined this community for support, validation, and encouragement.

I understand only too well how a destabilized parent's never ending health crises and self harm attempts and threats - real and manufactured - can cast a specter over our otherwise good lives and leaves us with an ever present hypervigilence waiting for the next thing to unfold.

Spending time here, developing further resilience and clarity amongst peers and fellow travelers has been such a help for me and I hope it will be for you, too. I will see you out there on the boards and look forward to supporting you!

[Srcyu]

Hello,
You certainly have your hands full with your undiagnosed bd mother.  Your "guess what" question at the end of your post is glorious. It made me smile, for there you have your boundary - all shiny and new. She shall not penetrate your protective wall.

She needs to play nice otherwise you won't play at all - simple yet brilliant.

Welcome.

[moglow]

Food for thought:
As someone put it to me several years ago, what would you do if a friend treated you this way? [They wouldn't be my friend and I'd have as little interaction with them as possible.] So why does she get a pass ...? "Because she's my mother" sounds like a sad answer but that's all I had.


I'm not suggesting you abandon someone in need, someone you can help get whatever they need. I AM suggesting that you continue to limit your exposure to situations that serve no one.