I attract sons of N/ PD moms!

[BeautifulCrazy]

Had this epiphany a moment ago.
Every significant male in my life has had a completely deranged mom.
First serious boyfriend. (I think covert narc mom)
Second serious boyfriend/ fiance. (very overt narc mom)
Both husbands. (super controlling moms, definitely narc and other PD traits)
Best male friend. (very overt/ malignant narc mom)
All very different guys, but all emotionally neglected/ invalidated by their moms. Not all of the sons are PD themselves. Most aren't.
I am going to have to explore what it is that attracts them to me.
Or is it me attracted to them?

[notrightinthehead]

That's a good question. I have asked myself too, what it is about me that invites difficult people in my life. I think it's familiarity. I am able to tolerate a certain type of behaviour, in my case, talks a lot, is high conflict, moody, self righteous, feels hard done by, needs a lot of affirmation in a covert way,  - more so than most people do. I slot in well with people with such characteristics. I fawn and joke, cover up, listen and compliment. It seems to come naturally to me.
I don't think that is generally a bad thing, it becomes bad when I get very close to such people and start trying to change them. Since I worked on my own healing, I try listen inward and do what is good for me. I give myself breaks, after having spent time with a difficult person, I might avoid contact for several weeks until I feel like I am ready to see them again. Another thing I have changed- I try to be as honest and authentic as possible. I used to mind read, try to anticipate what the other "really " wants and provide it, while in an underhanded way trying to change them. Now, I just show them what I believe to be my "true" self. I risk  their disappointment in me. And I am willing to live with that. Sometimes I still fawn and soothe, sometimes I listen for hours. That's ok too, because afterwards I respect myself well enough to take recovery  time.
The crappy childhood fairy says "I attract mosquitoes but I don't sleep with them." It's not so much who we attract but who we allow to be in our lives. And we seem to have a high tolerance to allow difficult people to remain in our inner circle. Some of them find supply elsewhere, once we no longer bend over backwards for them.
So I would look inside and learn about me as much as I possibly can. Find out what these sons of narcs bring to your life. What about them makes them attractive to you and how you feel when you are with them. Which of your traits come forward when you are with such a person. How do you feel afterwards? And what about the situation would you like to change?

[BeautifulCrazy]

Some early thoughts:
I think, being on the autism spectrum and neurodiverse in other ways as well, I might have a collection of surface behaviors that can mimic narc traits?
I think I attract them, not the other way around.
I was not the initiator of any of these relationships. And I ended all of them. (Except my best male friend. He is a keeper. I value him highly. His mom is a real nasty piece of work though. I respect his journey out of enmeshment with her. And his constant progress in his self-work related to being her child.)

I appreciate your reply notright, especially your self-insights and your exploratory questions.
I am comparing your notes on "difficult people" to my experience and I think that in some of my relationships I am the "difficult" one. Whether that is perceived or projected on me, or actually the case, might need some discerning.
My husband and ex husband are both "difficult people". To me, and to others too. They seem to have reacted to having difficult mothers by taking on the same disordered traits. (One is formally dx as PD, one had it "suggested" by our therapist)
The other men in my life are co-dependent, people pleasing, fawning types. Their reaction to having difficult mothers seems to be doing constant mood- management.  These relationships started, and then continued, due mostly to the efforts of the other person, as I find fawning unpleasant and intrusive and fake and often find it difficult to respect.
I am wondering, does my surface aloofness look similar to the maternal neglect / invalidation these guys experienced?

In the earliest 2 relationships, I was guilty of actual ignoring, invalidation and disrespect. I grew a lot from those relationships and really solidified who I wanted to be (and who I didn't) and what my expectations were for future relationships from a partner and myself. I am still acquainted with those guys and feel warmly toward them. I have done some apologizing to them in the intervening decades for ways I behaved back then. They have mostly been kind and understanding and quite generous in their opinion of me.

[notrightinthehead]

Do you suspect that your behaviour reminds them of their mother and that's why they feel comfortable with you? If so, would you feel ok about yourself?

[BeautifulCrazy]

Yes, notrightinthehead
I do suspect exactly that.