I'm back! It's been years. New Login

[Healing Finally 2]

Hi all 

Around 7-8 years ago, I created an account on this website called Healing Finally.  Unfortunately I can't remember which email account I used as it's been years since I've logged in, so thought to create another one.

For a long time I got so much support from you all, it truly helped me stay sane, as I dealt with the dynamics of having a (u)NPD sister and enmeshed mother who has always supported my sister over me.  I have learned so much!!  I can't thank you enough for being here, then, and now.

This week my (u)NPD sister and I are in communication after a hiatus of almost 9 years not seeing each other, so I could really use help with navigating the mine field that comes with communication with her. 

I am now living with my 91 year old mother, been here about 1.5 years now, moved in because she could no longer afford the rent and it was obvious she really needed more support.  I am the one that always steps up, generally sacrificing for others; but I've also learned a lot about boundaries over the past few years and have been good about keeping a healthy boundary between myself and my mother.

Over the past almost 9 years (July will be 9) my sister has refused to see me, talk to me, or sadly allow our family to all be together.  She will take our mother to lunch or a doctor's appointment, but will call her when she is here. and then Mom will go meet her in the car.

She has ousted me from her life (and subsequently immediate family) due to being broadsided by seeing an angry email that I sent to her husband, my BIL after I witnessed her acting like a child.  It was the classic trigger reaction (come to find out I have c-ptsd) where I was outraged and then fired off email in a passive aggressive manner.  My BIL (who became an EX 3 years ago) and I were like brother and sister so I didn't think anything about sending the email.  I didn't take into consideration that they had been 2 years separated at the time (my sister was living in Malibu on her husband's dime "finding herself") and that he would not be in the same place to receive my note.  In fact he used it to remove me from the situation.  He presented it to her like it was out of the blue, and as if we had never had any similar conversations in the past.

At the time the whole family turned against me.  Even though I've been used as a scapegoat for so many years, people are finally now aware that I am not to blame for the family breaking up, as my sister shows no remorse or any movement to reconciliation. 

My mother goes along with it all due to her fear that my sister will do the same thing to her.  They have a very enmeshed relationship, and my mother can't help herself but to stand up for her needs, and discount mine.  I've finally learned not to take this personally.

The good news is my nephew invited me to his wedding in October, so everyone knows that we are all going to be together then.  I am so grateful for his ability to stand up for what's right.  We shall see what the future brings!! 

This is my story.  I'll create another post regarding my current situation.  Thanks for listening/Healing Finally 2!! 

[SonofThunder]

Hello Healing Finally 2,

A warm welcome back to Out of the FOG!  Sorry to read you have such difficult dynamics in your family.

Since you know your way around the place already, I will skip any logistics, but I do want to highly recommend the book that was life-changing for me:  'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist' by Fjelstad. 

See you around the forum boards!

SoT

[Healing Finally 2]

Thank you SonofThunder  - wow, I needed to see this today!  I saw your post the other day, but today it really resonates with me.  Appreciate it! 

[SonofThunder]

Thank you SonofThunder  - wow, I needed to see this today!  I saw your post the other day, but today it really resonates with me.  Appreciate it! 

Healing Finally 2,

If you read the book, you may have some eye-opening, a-ha moments. It may seem as if the author has been camping out in all facets of your life, doing her research for the book. Be prepared to learn a great deal about yourself as well as the 'caretaker' relationship with a PD. Cheers ☺️

SoT