Landed here after what might be the final straw

[FFP3_me]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. For context, I am a woman in my early 30s, originally from the US, and have been living abroad for about 10 years. This is relevant later but I work full-time and am what most people would describe as very successful in my career. My sibling that my nmom likes the most is in his late 20s, recently got a job, and still lives with her.

My nmom has always been toxic but over the past few years she has become entrenched in right-wing news. Our most recent falling out started off with her texting me a barrage of conservative talking points about how the US is turning into a failed state under Biden and that we had it better under Republicans. I replied that I will never vote Republican due to them blocking student loan relief. I also said I am surprised she isn't more concerned about that since her own daughter lives abroad in part due to being saddled with an seemingly insurmountable amount of student debt taken on after the college fund she was always promised failed to materialize. There was some back and forth about how I should have worked harder in undergrad to support myself. I countered by reminding her that I couldn't work during my undergrad because I had been appointed as the main provider of childcare for my two younger siblings. Calling out the parentification that I experienced struck a nerve and she has been sending me paragraph after paragraph of abuse for the past several days. I am sure you have all received similar messages but here are a few of the highlights:

- You are mean and ungrateful
- You don't ever remember all the nice things I did for you, such as paying for an emergency surgery that you needed to save your life at 16
- You got a C in one college class
- If anyone should be complaining, it is your sibling who has to go to work
- Your sibling is better at saving money than you
- I hope you enjoy those straight teeth I paid for
- No one's lives are peaches and cream
- You present yourself as a victim because you are in debt and unhappy
- I think its all about you and it always will be
- You just don't know how to love

I haven't responded to any of her messages and I don't plan to. I have been low-contact since I originally moved abroad and a therapist recommended that I put my nmom on an 'information diet'. After this most recent episode, I am very seriously considering no contact. I have always questioned whether or not I belong in this type of group, but these messages have clarified that she will never assume any accountability for her behavior. Realizing that she has kept a ledger of every penny she has ever spent on me and resents me for needing a life saving surgery as a teen might be my final straw.

I am posting because I was hoping to get some advice on this situation or hear some stories of when things clicked for you. I would also appreciate some validation about whether or not I belong here. Thank you very much for your time and I am sorry if you have also found yourself needing to post here.

[xredshoesx]

welcome FFP3_me,

you are not alone.

my own turning point came in fits and starts as well.  i went back and forth with NC starting as teen after i was removed from my uPD mother's custody, however at some point the courts put me back with her and the brief time she was my 'parent' put me on the  full NC path by 22.  i think the only reason it's stuck for so long  is that me being estranged for so long makes it easier for her to garner sympathy for others (it's been YEARS as i'm gaining on 52 here....)

whatever path you decide to take we will support your journey.   i hope you can get the same validation and support here i have been able to get as you work through this.

[bloomie]

FFP3_me - Hi there and welcome! I am really glad you found us and have joined the community.

One of the biggest hurdles in first coming Out of the FOG was learning not to gaslight myself about how harmful my own mother's choices were and to not allow self doubt to creep in as to if I qualify for a community like this one.

Over time, as the FOG began to clear and I built a support network around myself, I could see that in many areas I had actually minimized just how cruel, rivalrous, and strategically demeaning my own mother's treatment of me throughout my life was.

I don't know how we would sort through the specter of our mother's lack of genuine motherly love and kindness over our lives any other way than through engagement with others who get it on a level many, many do not as part of our support system.

Take a look around and check out the resources at the drop down menus above, the online resources members' have found helpful, book recommendations, and most of all, begin reading the threads and conversations all over the boards. See if this community might be a good fit for the kind of encouragement you are looking for. 

Sending you wisdom and strength to keep holding on and removing yourself from strife and unproductive, mean spirited exchanges with your mother. I hope to see you out there on the boards! 

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

Your post reminds me of my undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister. She expected her adult children to pay her back for bringing them up. They weren't living with her so it wasn't rent that she was expecting.

My first thought about your post is the quote "If it hurts it isn't love." That's a difficult conclusion to come to but for many of us that is how it is. One of my sister's now adult children had a counsellor and they told them that their mother is never going to be the person they expect her to be. It may take us a lot of anguish to realise that our family members aren't going to be who we expect them to be. They behave how we would never behave ourselves. It only causes us stress to try and change them. We can only change ourselves and how we react to them.

Observe, don't absorb.

Parents are expected to care for their children and give unconditional love. Your mother seems to think there are conditions to her love for you. She has said some very hurtful things that aren't at all supportive.

I've come to the conclusion to not have any more contact with my uBPD/NPD sister. It is just too painful for me to be in contact with her.

I follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how family members can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I've learnt a lot from her.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[FFP3_me]

Thank you everyone for the welcome! I will definitely keep reading and posting here. I am very glad I have found this community.