Effect on Children of Having Only a PD Parent

[Gman22]

Last week wasn't fun.  Quite a bit of irrational rage and carrying on from her, especially Thursday night, 4 days ago.  She did all of this in front of the kids and I GR / MC pretty well.  It does leave me confused sometimes because this trigger was her not getting her way on a thing and some risk to embarrassing her or her not being right.   Nonetheless, I didn't give in...amazing how much energy she can put into a rage.   Most of the evening was me out with the kids at a sports activity and I did my best to sound calm if on the phone and to downplay my anxiety to the kids.   They of course felt the tension and knew what was up.   The night ended with her cutting herself.  Had to take her to ER but no sutures, just glue.   

I also got to be there on Tuesday when she also raged over something that was totally irrational and contrived.  She tried to take it out emotionally on the 10yo boy (GC).   I stood up for him and better yet, his sister was in the room as well.  She stood up as well.  uPDW then slept for about 36 hours.  I'm going to start counting her Trazedone. 

All these things are documented.  Friday the attorney said not enough...must be egregious for me to have a good chance at custody.  I trust him and my affairs are in order still to go quickly if needed on a divorce.

I've been reading the posts in divorced forum - especially the long thread about the effects of PD and divorce on children.  There are a lot of considerations including my own mental health, but I'm strong. 

Anyone who can speak from experience on if things will 'settle down' for the kids if the significant other / supporting spouse is removed from the house with the PD mother?   I know no one can answer this question for me - just looking for more information or insights at this point.  I crave a divorce for my sake, but I literally had a nightmare sat night about uPDw driving away from me and my kid looking out the back window of the car at me.   

I'll confess - imagining that moment in a divorce situation where my kids may feel I've abandoned them...it scares me and hurts me deeply.  I'm not there yet in my head but I will do even that if I become convinced it's best overall chance for success. 

[BeautifulCrazy]

Is custody anticipated to be an all or nothing situation?
I am not really understanding your question, Gman22.
From what I understand, in most places, the children split their time half/half between parents' homes in a separation or divorce. Unless something 'egregious' occurs. Where I live, the default is 50/50.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I did a bit of reading in your previous posts Gman, so I have a bit better idea what you are getting at.

I left with my kids, despite the default being 50/50 and despite being terrified that they would be spending half of their lives alone with the PD.
My kids were a lot younger at that time, too, the oldest was 6 and my youngest 3.
I stressed a lot when they were younger that they would choose to spend more time or even ALL the time living with their PD parent. (In our district, kids have input as young as 10 and quite a bit of choice from around 12 years of age.)
My personal (and biased) opinion is that having a stable, emotionally safe home 50% of the time is better than living in a PD home 100% of the time. So far, my experience with my own kids has borne that out. Over the past decade they have chosen to spend less and less time with their PD parent and this year they went full NC.  I think having a baseline of relatively "normal" life and interactions for half the time, provides a contrast that helps them see their way Out of the FOG a bit more easily. Being able to talk freely about interpersonal relationships and all things related to them also helps. That is something I just couldn't do with a PD around.

Is there a way you could get set up to leave while you are still there, and then just step into a separate living situation where the kids can be with you half of the time?
I strongly advise against anything that could look/feel like abandonment, even if only temporary. I suspect that your wife would love to play that up to the children, the courts, anyone who would listen, especially as she has already tried to say that you are abusing her. She sounds like she might be the type of person to make attempts to alienate the children from you.

Is the cutting and suicide stuff not considered egregious or abusive? I imagine that would be terribly traumatic for a child, no matter what age.

I really do feel for you. It is a terrible position you are in.
You can and will overcome it though Gman!! I can see how collected and insightful and strong you are from your posts. You have so much going for you. You are your kids' best asset and supporter too, they are very lucky to have you to help them navigate things.
I am very glad you are here.

[Gman22]

BW - words of encouragement are so welcomed - nowhere else can I find that from someone who really knows what's going on.

BC - to clarify, custody would likely be some version of 50/50 if I initiate a divorce now.  Want more than 50% - ideally would want them to be able to choose.

You hit the nail on the head and looks like you've similar experience with your replies.  I don't think it is possible for uPDw to turn the kids against me, and I DO find quite a few opportunities - I make opportunities - to have 1:1 time with each kid every day to hear their story, provide perspective and positive reinforcement.  I see the PD action and I am currently able to defend if necessary or move in afterward to give support and reinforcement after an outburst or unkind action from uPDw if needed.  Kids show strong signs that I'm able to give them 'normal' in meaningful ways at the house currently, even with my marriage en force.

Your insight to your own kids experiences and your personal opinion based on your experience is helpful.

**  you found my question - not great wording on post title - do many kids do better with normal 50% of the time and PD ONLY *for the other 50% time* versus a mix of both all the time. **

Intently looking inward, practicing toolbox, making plans and preparations for a divorce if it becomes suddenly necessary or obviously right time.   Will continue to practice patience. 

Couple good threads with similar question as mine.  Thx for posting this in the right spot, mod. 

[escapingman]

Gmann,

I am not sure where you live and what laws you have. But my advice is, leave, leave now, and take the children with you.

I left with DD, GC refused to come with as she was/is still deep in the FOG. DD has very little contact with xPDw and she is a completely different child since she has lived with me 100%. She is happy, she feels confident to express her emotions and wishes. She has got rid of several health issues and is thriving in school. GC on the other hand is taking xPDw's side and live with her 100%. She looks miserable and has health problems. She is still keeping up the story to everyone and rarely leaves the house except for going to school. Whilst DD is participating in after school clubs and sports clubs, GC stays at home watching TV with her mum.

Go figure which of these children is the happier, the one living with a PD or the other one.

Good luck Gmann, just do it!