Bleh, I just want to whine/vent about my Dad and life.

[WhereImAt]

Been a hell of a year, in finding a lot of people in my life were manipulating me, but especially my Dad and god it's hard to adjust to realizing this, and trying to break codependency. it's frustrating trying to work with my Dad as I have to set all the boundaries, and I have to give most of the credit, and I have to keep my codependency in check so much, because slip ups have consequences. It just feels like too much responsibility. That and the fact that I just feel alone, because my friend group was so many dysfunctional people. I feel sad that I've lost so many friends recently, as I cut them off, because it felt like the right thing to do, as I knew from being with my BPDexGF, that no contact was often the best choice. I feel frustrated with my situation. It's hard to heal from loss, try to get my life together, which is essential now, and then connect to people, when you're kind of overwhelmed. Life is hard sometimes, ARGHH!!

[somekindofchange]

Thought I'd reply instead of venting and posting something similar because I haven't gotten responses before and it sucks. I'm so sorry. It sucks.

I keep thinking today about my dad. I went to my sister's baby shower and during it my mom asked him to play music for the group of people in the back. He makes a show of then looking at me and announcing to the party "well, why don't you get some music together to play for us". And it's framed as this jovial thing and I end up having to find palatable music for the big group. Ultimately he didn't want the responsibility or nerves involved. And to him I'm a tool or resource. Like my grandma. Not a person in and of myself. I feel like the feminism has been beat out of me these past years but it's real. I end up feeling so alienated from myself. I re-read a diary entry about an incident some years ago where I was playing Billie Eilish just playing music for my nuclear family in a relaxed atmosphere and he resentfully told me, while talking to my brother-in-law, "why don't you change it, we can't just listen to Billie Eilish" and it was hurtful. None of it's ever good enough, he can't conceptualize that I'm not here to create an atmosphere for him to enjoy and have individual tastes, opinions, wants. The kicker is getting the flipside of that where he overly expresses well wishes towards me. The codependency. The abuse. It's so swimmy. And he's moving through his own trauma repetition cycle. I'm not sure if that has any similarities to your situation but it sounds like you're really in the midst of a difficult relationship. I've felt so similarly the "slip ups have consequences" exhaustion and no one understanding.

It's all so sad. I've lost touch with important friends because of recognizing these things. I still have hope for them and for new relationships. Gentleness with yourself always. Everything is so tender in life and we're constantly bombarded and numbed.

[bloomie]

WhereImAt - that is a lot of loss and a lot of painful realizations to have in such a short period of time. Whew!!! I bet it feels like a heavy load about now.

Something a wise person said to me at the lowest point in my own life as my eyes were opening and my ears were hearing exactly what was happening with certain family and friends I loved and cherished but realized I could no longer hold up under their behaviors... be gentle with yourself. You are looking for progress NOT perfection. If you mess up and don't hold a limit, give yourself some grace and get back at it the next time.

And you will! You will someday look back and not believe how far you have come. One and two steps at a time, or resting when you need to. You are not alone. This is hard stuff to work through and face.