Overly Sensitive/Critical of Substance Use

[samia]

Hi everyone.

One of my issues I find hard to get over is my approach to substance use. I use my past with my father's and sibling's addictions to alcohol as a trigger for a lot of judgement. My father was an enabler and refused to ever accept he was addicted because he would binge (the truth is he gradually got worse, progressing to day drinking). He actively encouraged my siblings to drink and always downplayed the idea of drinking responsibly. When my younger sibling almost died of alcohol poisoning, my FOO didn't appreciate how seriously I took it, and my father got upset when I tried throwing away/pouring out alcohol. They ended up just moving it, but never completely removing alcohol while my sibling recovered. It's been 9 years at least of both family members struggling with alcohol and enduring crises alongside endangering others with drunk driving.

Ironically my FOO carried heavy, heavy judgement and criticism of substance use outside of alcohol. It shaped a lot of my approach to any and all substances.

So, while I've calmed down on moral grandstanding for genuinely benign substance use (like a group of friends having drinks for an evening,) I still take it very seriously when I perceive someone I care about misusing substances even slightly. My problem is I can be very judgemental and project my frustration with my father's irresponsibility onto other people who may have issues, but aren't callous or malignant like he is.

Part of me honestly wants to be told there's nothing wrong with being so serious, but I also know I'm wanting praise for being moral. I know I act the way I do because I feel if I can be in control then the other person can do it too. I want to stop treating myself like a gold standard compared to others. It's how my parents always took to these issues and I'm aware it's a selfish way to act and clearly never helped anyone.

I think it would help to hear others' experiences and thoughts with this kind of thing. Has anyone else picked up these toxic traits? What's helped you overcome them?

[Poison Ivy]

I've become less judgmental about other people's substance use over the (many) years since I was an insufferable prig (when I was a teenager). Maturity has helped me mellow. So too has learning more about the biological basis for many addictions. And I've become much more accepting of the fact that nobody is or can be perfect.

[xredshoesx]

both my biological parents were addicts.  my childhood was hell.  my two fears are ending up like my mother and/or being married to my father which got me on a straight and narrow path.   as an adult i don;t drink but that fear that someone i love will end up like that makes me judgmental about it too.

my DH actually stopped drinking (he drinks NA drinks) because of the anxiety i have about it bc his drinking became problematic for our relationship over the COVID lockdown.   with a parent who uses there is a lot to unwrap.  be gentle with yourself.  it may come off as judgmental but maybe what your heart is trying to do is protect lil samia from the aftermath of being around that type of substance abuse.

[samia]

I've become less judgmental about other people's substance use over the (many) years since I was an insufferable prig (when I was a teenager). Maturity has helped me mellow. So too has learning more about the biological basis for many addictions. And I've become much more accepting of the fact that nobody is or can be perfect.

Reading about it and different perspectives on how addiction works is very helpful. I've struggled with the mellowing as of late because before I went NC and distanced myself, the crisis factor was near constant with my FOO, events happening every month to couple months. Not constantly talking/thinking about it recently has been a bit of relief.

both my biological parents were addicts.  my childhood was hell.  my two fears are ending up like my mother and/or being married to my father which got me on a straight and narrow path.   as an adult i don;t drink but that fear that someone i love will end up like that makes me judgmental about it too.

my DH actually stopped drinking (he drinks NA drinks) because of the anxiety i have about it bc his drinking became problematic for our relationship over the COVID lockdown.   with a parent who uses there is a lot to unwrap.  be gentle with yourself.  it may come off as judgmental but maybe what your heart is trying to do is protect lil samia from the aftermath of being around that type of substance abuse.

I have similar fears, too. Though, the beginning of the hardest parts happened a little over 7 years ago while I was in college and my siblings were in highschool. My parents divorced then and the fallout sent my sibling over the edge.  My father had been getting worse a few years before then while I was in highschool myself.

My DH has a dependency on marijuana. His tolerance is a little high and during the past few years he would use it almost daily, if not twice daily. He's been able to go a few months without it here and there.

Recently he tried doing a month break but lasted about a week. He had quite a few positive experiences, but I felt disappointed and he became defensive in response. We were both aware how sensitive we were getting over it and had a hard talk. This conflict is what led me to make this post today, actually.