Faux Emergencies - Exploiting the Good Will of Adult Child Caregivers

[bloomie]

For me, the only way to win is not to play. I remember both of us posting about exhausting ourselves playing DIL hostess with the mostess, nursing, serving, placating, smiling, while these women were burrowing their way under the surface to undercut our marriages and destabilize their sons. Today, fuggedaboudit!

The decision to resign from my appointed position was wisdom! So thankful we both did that! I agree 💯the only way to win is not to play.

I just went through a four day, 24 hr a day blowout argument/marriage bootcamp that was no fun at all, in which DH actually spoke the words, "I feel Obligated to help because if I don't I'm Afraid something will happen to her and I'll feel so Guilty" (ring a ding ding!) which threw me into a full blown PTSD abandonment panic.

We managed to crawl out but we decided on a sign. No words. No argument. No explanation. It's the "timeout" sign from basketball. If one of us makes that sign, it means, I think we need to pause here. It means, the fog is rolling in so before we freak out and run ourselves ragged with worry and appointments and decide you or me or we are the problem, we're going to take a breath.

Those blowouts are so hard! My heart hurts for you both. But, what good work to find a way to communicate a time out when things become 'unproductive'.

There is something in me that is sensing that DH seeing to clearly, and having to deal with, mil's antics along with the absence of consideration or appreciation for the angst and difficulty that is bringing for DH is part of a complete awakening for him. And, in a strange way, healing.

Waiter! Fresh fruit juice for Leonor and Bloomie on the Lido deck, please!

Yes!!! And I can see I am going to need a sparkly float, too! 🤿

[sandpiper]

Big hugs to all of you who are dealing with this.
MIL put us through the crap of 'The sky is falling' for decades. We actually moved closer to them - 20 minutes away instead of 90, because we liked the area & I knew it would be easier for DH to fan the flames at the Crisis Factory if we were close enough to it that he could get to them easily.
It hasn't been a picnic.
What did work for me was that we found a house that has no mobile reception (woohoo!) so they had to text us 'The sky is falling' and honestly I think that taking the trouble to spell that out either made them check to see if it was raining stun grenades, or else they just found someone else to call who was within radio range.
The other thing was that the agent who sold us our house found one with an insanely steep driveway with no stairs (new build and the young couple couldn't afford landscaping) so when she said 'This is going to make it very difficult to sell' we actually high-fived each other, with me saying 'Perfect. No way in hell will MIL ever make it up that driveway. Not to mention all the stairs once you do make that climb.'
I was right and other than a quick tour by car and the loud whine that they couldn't navigate the hill and the stairs, that was the only time they ever came here.
So, geography is your friend.
MIL was BPD/hystrionic so she did the exact same stuff. Every year in September, for about twenty years, she'd celebrate father's day by announcing that she had a new terminal disease. It would miraculously resolve itself a few weeks after Xmas. Oh, how she loved to ruin someone else's special day.
FIL doesn't have as much rat cunning as MIL - who mercifully died 2 years ago - but he is a big fan of the alarm button and calling the ambulance, too.
He had 8 months in and out of hospital before he finally went kicking and screaming into the nursign home and now he spends his days making life unpleasant for his carers and doing his best to make DH jump through flaming hoops.
Last week DH had to interrupt a government meeting so that he could go out and buy FIL's special haemorrhoid cream because the 'my bum hurts' fiasco was such a ridiculous fire.
I'm really sick of the entire spectrum of DH's family and every time they piss me off I just sit back and remind myself that this is their problem, not mine, and the best thing I can do is to step back and stay right out of it.
That is awfully hard though.
We are both currently dealing with FIL's crazy-making & with BIL & his family either being unhelpful or being a pain in the butt.
I just keep saying to DH what I used to say to our nieces when they were kids. 'This is not my problem. If you insist on making it my problem, then count on it, I will find the solution that best suits me and will very likely suit nobody else.
I've pulled him up a few times with that reminder & have said 'This is like the nieces with the mousetrap game. If you want to make this my problem then it's my choice to deal with it how I will, and that may be that I decide to chuck it in the nearest dumpster & go off to eat icecream.'

[lkdrymom]

Sandpiper...the hemorrhoid cream run so much reminded me of my father.  His weapon of choice was enemas. If I learned one important thing....AMAZON delivers...even to assisted living places.  I stopped running to the store on his whim and just ordered and had it delivered to him.  Boy did he hate that. Heaven forbid we find an easy and convenient way to solve an issue. Where is the fun in that?

[sandpiper]

That's brilliant. We have a thing in Australia called 'Jimmy Brings'. It's largely staffed by overseas students.  I think mostly they deliver alcohol - which FIL always wants more of, but I think they do other stuff too. I''ll investigate. FIL is such a card-carrying racist (it's one of their reasons for hating me) that I think the reason he won't let the nurse get him his special bum cream from the pharmacy next to the nursing home is because he doesn't want anyone who isn't white knowing that the stick up his a$$ is rubbing so hard that it requires anaesthesia.
I'll be telling DH to outsource all these mid-afternoon emergencies to Jimmy Brings, in future, and having a lovely giggle at the thought of FIL's reaction when his special stick-up-the-clacker numbing cream and his sixpack of beer is delivered by a set of non-Aryan hands. 

[Boat Babe]

That's brilliant. We have a thing in Australia called 'Jimmy Brings'. It's largely staffed by overseas students.  I think mostly they deliver alcohol - which FIL always wants more of, but I think they do other stuff too. I''ll investigate. FIL is such a card-carrying racist (it's one of their reasons for hating me) that I think the reason he won't let the nurse get him his special bum cream from the pharmacy next to the nursing home is because he doesn't want anyone who isn't white knowing that the stick up his a$$ is rubbing so hard that it requires anaesthesia.
I'll be telling DH to outsource all these mid-afternoon emergencies to Jimmy Brings, in future, and having a lovely giggle at the thought of FIL's reaction when his special stick-up-the-clacker numbing cream and his sixpack of beer is delivered by a set of non-Aryan hands. 

Hahahahaha

[bloomie]

Oh my goodness!!! What is it with the private parts & eliminating drama? Let us band together and vow we will not do this if at all in our right minds!

You all have lightened my day, made me laugh, and given me some really good things to consider. I can't even tell you how handy this is going to come in:

'This is not my problem. If you insist on making it my problem, then count on it, I will find the solution that best suits me and will very likely suit nobody else.

Since I first posted we have had another undefined, undiagnosed 'emergency' episode, but for the FIRST TIME it was on uPDsil's watch. (she lives a few hours distance) Did sil notify us? Nope. Did she call an ambulance to her home like she has remotely for mil for DH to manage and deal with? Nope.

But, you had better believe mil was bundled up and within hours, promptly dropped off at her home.  and when DH addressed the need for carers uPDsil gave, at least, lip service to agreeing it was time. Mil is still fighting it tooth and nails. Sil took that time to announce she will be out of the state for weeks this summer and unavailable. Well, she is only available to give her opinion now or stick a pencil in DH's fan, so

I was completely out of the entire show! Just poured myself a lovely glass of rosé and enjoyed the quiet... 

[sandpiper]

Well played, Bloomie.
It is hard.
I did a crochet class a while back and one of the attendees was showing us photos of the beautiful blanket she had made for her MIL, who was in a nursing home. She obviously adores her MIL and it sounds like she's been a good friend and a loving grandmother.
I had to quietly walk out and give myself a moment, using the 'I just need to go to the bathroom' because it made me so sad, thinking about what could have been.
I think that DH and I get on so well because we both lived through the PD parent fiasco and we understand each other. The down side to that is that neither of us has been able to bring anything other than Deep Dark Crazy to the table when it comes to our families.
I've built up a really beautiful set of friendships and we have FOC who love us...but it's sad.
It's just such a waste that they aren't capable of anything other than self-destructing and making the lives of those around them implode, for their own personal satisfaction.
Good on you for taking a big step back.
Self-care and the mantra 'not my circus, not my monkeys' goes a long way when you're dealing with one of these.

[bloomie]

Sandpiper - I have had those types of moments when we see how family relationships 'could be'. It is both inspiring and can bring waves of sadness and grief.

I think that DH and I get on so well because we both lived through the PD parent fiasco and we understand each other. The down side to that is that neither of us has been able to bring anything other than Deep Dark Crazy to the table when it comes to our families.

I have deliberately searched for role models to help me see what healthy, loving relationships look like and how they are lived out because I was not bringing the Deep Dark Crazy (love that!!  ) into our FOC.

 

[sandpiper]

Thanks Bloomie.
Sorry for the late response...we just seem to be so busy this year but thankfully I have a life outside of the FOG these days which is why I'm there more than here.
Anyways.
The Deep Dark Crazy has banished my sense of loss for 'what might have been'. FIL is at least safely tucked up in the high maintenance unit of Arkham Asylum's Shady Pastures, but he continues to find ways to make DH jump through hoops. He keeps losing items that nobody would possibly want to steal but which are hard to replace & then he can nag DH via constant texts (thank the almighty Dog we live in an SOS zone out of range). This week's crisis is 'I have lost my nose hair trimmers'.  Being as the ratio of males to females in Arkham's Shady Pastures is 2:100 I don't think a bit of extra nose fluff is going to ruin his chances scoring with the grandmas at bingo.
That is the one good thing about when you have those moments of grief - you can count on them to irritate you right out of it. 
Thankfully DH has learned much from me over the years and it's much like a kid losing something at school. We'll replace it when it's convenient for us, not for you, and until then you'll just have to deal with the nostril fluff.