Faux Emergencies - Exploiting the Good Will of Adult Child Caregivers

[bloomie]

We are in a difficult season attempting to somewhat co-coordinate care for an elderly histrionic uPDmil with a high conflict, estranged uPDsil.

I have spent quite a bit of time reading through Out of the FOG coparenting boards as the situation is so very similar. We are dealing with counter coordinating, or updsil actively working against the care needed for uPDmil. I've heard it described on the forum boards as trying to coordinate care with an elephant on your back. Amen to that!

Mil is one who manipulates, aligns and maligns, confuses and confabulates creating a great deal of chaos in a myriad of ways the toughest of which is faux medical emergencies thus forcing contact between DH and his estranged sister and garnering a great deal of attention for herself. I mean hysterical crying for help, unintelligible over the phone, vague unwitnessed symptoms and vacillating complaints. These are highly effective bouts that upset others to the point everyone on the contact list is alerted and notified.

Very compelling if you don't know her or are trained to respond to what appear to be urgent requests. Interestingly, these emergencies coincide with either a significant event in our lives, my bday, our anniversary, milestone events for DH, or happen right before we are leaving on a trip. This NEVER happens when we are away. Not one single solitary time in all of the times.

Mil lives in a very nice AL community that we moved her into kicking and screaming because on her own she was not eating, passing out, firing every care giver we brought in to try to keep her safe and mitigate the load this had become. So, she has good daily support, check ins, and contact with her peers. With each faux medical emergency, within no time, mil is perfectly fine, dismissive, and back to her social routine.

We just came through the latest round of another ER visit in the middle of the night after activating a safety system and requesting an ambulance. Again. DH is local and sil is at a distance, so each and every one of these visits (I've lost count in total for the past several years) requires DH to act as he is the responsible party for mil.

Each trip to the ER requires followup visits, tests, and provides an entry point for uPDsil to enter stage left (virtually only as she rarely shows up in person), make a huge fuss and many demands, and counter all methods DH puts in place to avoid these ambulance rides. Sil, in fact, encourages them and initiates them for mil at times.

I believe both DH and I are struggling with the O - Obligation piece of the FOG. We are trying to get clear on how much engagement is required at this point?

My point to DH has been that there are zero consequences for the wolf crying to mil. In fact, there are huge payoffs. Mil has refused moving to a different level of care within the community she lives in and fired another caregiver DH put in place after this latest. So, DH has directly and calmly communicated to mil that activating emergency services again without contacting him first to consider the appropriateness of that choice may mean he is not available to her for the event, to sit beside her, to drive her home, to take her to follow up appointments... not available. 

She already complained about a under $10 charge (this is a woman of means and this is a nothing burger to her) to have a medication delivered that DH couldn't pick up for her, so imagine if she has to experience what she would perceive as the indignity of sitting by herself in the ER through the long hours of the night, communicating with her family and the medical professionals herself, and then having to arrange for a ride home and possibly pay for it. 

You GUYS!!! You know she is going to take that ultimatum out for a ride!!! Every single person reading this knows it! The question is.. can DH hold the line? And on a personal level, my anxiety is through the roof with all of this as too much for too long and I just want to step completely away. Far, far away...

[NarcKiddo]

That's tough My MIL went through a phase of making my husband fly the length of the country on a wild goose chase. He was at the time geographically the closest child.

He told her after several expensive and pointless trips that he would not come again unless her ailment was verified to him by her doctor. However, although he is still in the FOG to a very small extent he is very impatient and is not scared of her at all. So she knew he meant what he said and she never tried it on again.

I think all that can be done is for DH to stand firm. She has options, including getting higher level of care within her community. If she does not avail herself of that, it's really not DH's problem.

Easier said than done - I know.

But you say DH is the responsible party for MIL. What do you mean? Why does DH have to do anything at all? If MIL is mentally sound then she can do what she likes. If SIL wants to encourage this nonsense then SIL can visit and deal with the situation. In fact, perhaps DH should refuse to be the news service. MIL can tell SIL anything she wants SIL to know. A possibility?

[FromTheSwamp]

The assisted living should be able to coordinate care without anyone else being there.  Your husband isn't necessary for transportation.  Having someone to wait with you in the emergency room isn't necessary.  It's not something I have ever had, and yet I'm still here.  If she is still capable of making her own medical decisions, she doesn't need anyone else for that - that's what all those forms you sign before going in for surgery are for.

What I'm saying, is that even if all these were real emergencies, they weren't your emergencies.  She might want you to think so, but it's simply not true. 

[moglow]

My point to DH has been that there are zero consequences for the wolf crying to mil. In fact, there are huge payoffs. Mil has refused moving to a different level of care within the community she lives in and fired another caregiver DH put in place after this latest. So, DH has directly and calmly communicated to mil that activating emergency services again without contacting him first to consider the appropriateness of that choice may mean he is not available to her for the event, to sit beside her, to drive her home, to take her to follow up appointments... not available.

Actions have consequences, guess she gets to learn that lesson by doing.  He has to choose whether to a] go with what he knows [historically speaking], or b] cave yet again knowing it'll likely be another goose chase. If DH caves even once, it's likely null and void in her mind.And seriously - she's fired another one?? Not your stuff. Her choices also have consequences, same as the rest of us. My guess is she just didn't like what caregiver had to say and mil has pooched her lip out.

I know you have, but please reiterate to him that it's NOT heartless or uncaring to refuse to jump through flaming hoops like this over and over. She's in assisted living for a reason - she needs to allow them to assist her. I can understand her not wanting to be there, wanting what she wants etc, but again, she's there for a reason, so there are people on hand when needed. You're nto her 24/7 help line.

And my own curiosity - how local are you? Can you be unavailable for a while, even to not answering those late night drama calls? Would DH be willing to little white lie his way out of a few emergencies with "we're out of town" OR more simply "not available right now, please ask your doctor to contact us if needed"? It's not easily done, but neither is *this*.

[Boat Babe]

That's just awful Bloomie - I really don't know what to suggest other than letting other people take care of her right now. Pure malice/manipulation for supply - that's all it is. It's the only bit of control she has left at this stage in her life. She must have been a horror when she was in her prime I'm guessing. Does she deserve your continued compassion and kindness? Is it possible to withdraw at this stage in the game? I don't know but I really feel for you. Hugs.

[Cat of the Canals]

I hope for your sake and his that he's able to hold the line. But we all know just how far these people are willing to go with the histrionics. If my own MIL is anything to go by (who thank GOD is not old enough yet to be pulling this crap, but I know it's only a matter of time), your husband's new boundary might as well be a glowing neon sign that says COME TAKE ME FOR A TEST DRIVE.

[lkdrymom]

If she is in Assisted Living and needs to go to the ER your DH does not need to be there and he does not need to provide transportation to get her back.  My father went a million times to the ER, he loved going.  I could never just drop and run to bring him back so they knew to arrange transportation for him at $75 a pop....his AL was literally across the street from the hospital.  Next ER trip...DON'T GO.  Tell the AL to arrange for a transport back or the hospital, whomever calls you  about this.  If you keep riding in on your white horse to come to her rescue the only thing that will happen is the horse will give out before the damsel in distress does.

[notrightinthehead]

Bloomie, I am so sorry you are in this stressful situation! Big hug!
If I understand correctly, your stress stems mostly from the bind your DH is in, his difficulty with setting healthy boundaries, and this causes you great anxiety and anger.

Can you take a step back? Practice your breathing? Remind yourself that we have no control over the choices that others make? Not even our DHs? That they have the right to choose to do something that is bad for them? You know all this.  You can let go. Lovingly, kindly, healthily step back. This is not your mother. This is not your responsibility. You can distance yourself from it emotionally. Watch it like a soap opera. Expect the worst and prepare to be amused, satisfied with your correct prediction, baffled. But emotionally uninvolved. You are looking after Bloomie for now. You control the part of your life you can control. Your MIL and your DHs behaviour you cannot control. So let go. And give yourself what you need. A break from giving your MIL so much space in your mind/ life. Use all the discipline and strength you have, to take your focus off the things you have no control over. Use your superpowers to focus on yourself. Your feelings, your needs, your wishes, and what you can do to give yourself what you need.

[bloomie]

That's tough My MIL went through a phase of making my husband fly the length of the country on a wild goose chase. He was at the time geographically the closest child.

He told her after several expensive and pointless trips that he would not come again unless her ailment was verified to him by her doctor. However, although he is still in the FOG to a very small extent he is very impatient and is not scared of her at all. So she knew he meant what he said and she never tried it on again.

NarcKiddo - thank you for sharing how your own DH handled similar behavior. It is validating to hear he did something DH is considering which is not engaging until he hears from a medical professional that there is actually an urgent problem.

But you say DH is the responsible party for MIL. What do you mean? Why does DH have to do anything at all? If MIL is mentally sound then she can do what she likes. If SIL wants to encourage this nonsense then SIL can visit and deal with the situation. In fact, perhaps DH should refuse to be the news service. MIL can tell SIL anything she wants SIL to know. A possibility?

All good insights and great questions. It is hard to explain, but it is a complicated POA and fiduciary responsibility that my fil put in place for mil making DH responsible. As it is, DH makes all of her medical decisions for her and helps interpret the medical findings for her. Which she then 'disagrees' with. 

She is not mentally sound, but on the razor thin edge so that she most likely would not reach the threshold for legal incompetency. She is lucid enough, enough of the time, to create chaos and confusion in all matters. Legal, relational, financial, within the community where she lives...

But, she is competent enough to call her own daughter. That is a very important point you made. She won't make sense and will absolutely misrepresent actions taken and medical findings, but maybe that is a risk DH has to take. He puts all communication in writing as protection against legal ramifications from uPDsil and attempts to walk a thin line with her to get through this with as little conflict and drama as possible.

I can tell you this, sil won't manage her mother's care. She will make noises that she is, and kick up a lot of dust, but she will not be inconvenienced and mil would move on to calling our adult children, extended family, friends, involving the entire village so to speak.

[bloomie]

The assisted living should be able to coordinate care without anyone else being there.  Your husband isn't necessary for transportation.  Having someone to wait with you in the emergency room isn't necessary.  It's not something I have ever had, and yet I'm still here.  If she is still capable of making her own medical decisions, she doesn't need anyone else for that - that's what all those forms you sign before going in for surgery are for.

What I'm saying, is that even if all these were real emergencies, they weren't your emergencies.  She might want you to think so, but it's simply not true. 

FromTheSwamp - the AL will not coordinate care for her at the current level of care she lives in to this degree. They will call DH, or me and an ambulance for her and possibly stand by until it gets there, but there is no one on call for her in the middle of the night like this. She uses her medical alert medallion, asks for an ambulance or help crying and wailing and they come because they have zero idea how serious the situation is. That system alerts all of us on her list. 

You are right, mil could ride to the hospital alone and everyone's thoughts and insights are helping me to see we need to take a wait and see posture, but mil is not cognitively able to give more complex informed consent for her care or invasive tests or procedures once there. And DH then is responsible for getting her home as she cannot drive and walks with a walker and is very unstable on her feet. Which is why he once again hired a caregiver to stay with her during the daytime hours. Someone to be a standby assist and to calm her. (which she let go after 3 days because she 'needs her privacy')

[bloomie]

I hope for your sake and his that he's able to hold the line. But we all know just how far these people are willing to go with the histrionics. If my own MIL is anything to go by (who thank GOD is not old enough yet to be pulling this crap, but I know it's only a matter of time), your husband's new boundary might as well be a glowing neon sign that says COME TAKE ME FOR A TEST DRIVE.

Yep! It is a gauntlet for someone like her that is for sure. And maybe it being only a matter of time means that next time DH has the leverage to move her into a higher level of care. Mil threw a huge fit in public when he hired someone for during the day after the last ER trip. To say she is a handful is an understatement.

[bloomie]

Actions have consequences, guess she gets to learn that lesson by doing.  He has to choose whether to a] go with what he knows [historically speaking], or b] cave yet again knowing it'll likely be another goose chase. If DH caves even once, it's likely null and void in her mind.And seriously - she's fired another one?? Not your stuff. Her choices also have consequences, same as the rest of us. My guess is she just didn't like what caregiver had to say and mil has pooched her lip out.

I know you have, but please reiterate to him that it's NOT heartless or uncaring to refuse to jump through flaming hoops like this over and over. She's in assisted living for a reason - she needs to allow them to assist her. I can understand her not wanting to be there, wanting what she wants etc, but again, she's there for a reason, so there are people on hand when needed. You're nto her 24/7 help line.

And my own curiosity - how local are you? Can you be unavailable for a while, even to not answering those late night drama calls? Would DH be willing to little white lie his way out of a few emergencies with "we're out of town" OR more simply "not available right now, please ask your doctor to contact us if needed"? It's not easily done, but neither is *this*.

Thanks for this rallying cry, Moglow!

We are a very short distance away. And yes, she is going to have to experience consequences for her choices, which could be a fall in the shower or the hallway when no one is around with really painful and long term ramifications. That has all been very plainly spelled out to her. 

This NEVER happens when we are gone. NEVER. She let the caregiver go because she didn't want to pay for her. Period. The best way I can describe my mil is she is the definition of a wealthy, entitled, demanding, never satisfied very old little lady. She treats people caring for her or waiting on her providing a service to her embarrassingly poorly. Kinda like she treats DH. 

And I also think she doesn't want a caregiver because she is prideful about how 'independent' she is for her age (she is not), how it 'looks', (like anyone cares :eyeroll:) and I also think she doesn't want anyone to know, or be able to witness, just how poor her mobility and health currently is. Because, she would have to move.

[bloomie]

If she is in Assisted Living and needs to go to the ER your DH does not need to be there and he does not need to provide transportation to get her back.  My father went a million times to the ER, he loved going.  I could never just drop and run to bring him back so they knew to arrange transportation for him at $75 a pop....his AL was literally across the street from the hospital.  Next ER trip...DON'T GO.  Tell the AL to arrange for a transport back or the hospital, whomever calls you  about this.  If you keep riding in on your white horse to come to her rescue the only thing that will happen is the horse will give out before the damsel in distress does.

lkdrymom - I am sorry you dealt with this too! You are right on! DH can no longer ride in like the White Knight! Such helpful imagery! It truly is the obligation piece of this that is the struggle! I believe there are solutions we are not applying to this. Usually, her transportation needs are at 4am or thereabout. So, options are limited and her mobility is tricky, but maybe she then has to wait for and pay for medical transport home.

Can you take a step back? Practice your breathing? Remind yourself that we have no control over the choices that others make? Not even our DHs? That they have the right to choose to do something that is bad for them? You know all this.  You can let go. Lovingly, kindly, healthily step back. This is not your mother. This is not your responsibility. You can distance yourself from it emotionally. Watch it like a soap opera. Expect the worst and prepare to be amused, satisfied with your correct prediction, baffled. But emotionally uninvolved. You are looking after Bloomie for now. You control the part of your life you can control. Your MIL and your DHs behaviour you cannot control. So let go. And give yourself what you need. A break from giving your MIL so much space in your mind/ life. Use all the discipline and strength you have, to take your focus off the things you have no control over. Use your superpowers to focus on yourself. Your feelings, your needs, your wishes, and what you can do to give yourself what you need.

notright - Thank you for this important reminder. I cannot tell you how many times mil has announced publicly or told me "I am not blood" to her putting me in my place. So, that makes it easier to detach emotionally from her. I am cordial and kind to her, but have zero relationship with her at this point.

It is the specter this casts over our life that I am grappling with. It is the threat I perceive her to be to my family and that harmony we have established as I don't know anyone who can stir up more and make more messes than this woman. It is like entering a corn maze and not being able to find your way out some times.

There are people so insidiously divisive and disruptive it is hard to describe. My mil can be a treacherous person. Every alarm I have goes off - justified or not - when another chaotic situation arises. Because the medical stuff is only one piece of it - her way of operating in the world brings difficulty in every dimension of her life and by extension the lives of those in her family.

I began working with someone this week learning 3 dimensional breathing, gentle stretching, body alignment work and I am grateful for the potential help that will bring as I hold a lot of tension in my body.

That's just awful Bloomie - I really don't know what to suggest other than letting other people take care of her right now. Pure malice/manipulation for supply - that's all it is. It's the only bit of control she has left at this stage in her life. She must have been a horror when she was in her prime I'm guessing. Does she deserve your continued compassion and kindness? Is it possible to withdraw at this stage in the game? I don't know but I really feel for you. Hugs.

Boat Babe - I try to have compassion for the loss of control my mil is experiencing and how many loved ones she has lost. That can't be easy and her coping in her prime was very limited, so how much more so now. But, you are right to identify there is great malice and manipulation in her behaviors. Always has been. I have withdrawn so much, but am seeing I need to recognize and mitigate how damaging this all is.

In some ways, having distanced myself has made me ever more sensitive and unable to withstand my mil's self seeking behaviors and sil's as well.

[bloomie]

"We cannot sustain levels of toxicity in a relationship any more than we can sit in a poisonous room, continue breathing normally, and expect life to continue. Eventually, the effects of that poison will take place." Lysa TerKuerst

I mentioned on another thread that often, as in laws, we are the canaries in the coal mine in our disordered in law family system. The first to show and act on the effects of the poisons in the room that are seemingly invisible to most involved. And then today, I read this quote and it reiterated everything you lovely, wise people are saying.

This is me stepping out and reaching for peace. It is time to lay it all down and let DH, his sister, and mother figure it out, or not. This is not a 'we' problem in my marriage. I have failed to take my test question: "What is mine to do?" to it's full completion in all of this. This. Is. Not. Mine. It is my DH's and his family's to figure out.

Thank you all so much for your support and insights. I am grateful. 🦋

[monamurre]

Sounds like you got to a good place with this messy situation for now.

I wanted to chime in on your statement that it is up to your husbands family to figure it out, "or not". Those two little words are important. Sometimes BPD people and the situations they create are so difficult and complex that they just don't ever get figured out. At least not in any way we find acceptable. 

I think there is some real power in holding on to "or not"......it gives you the freedom to not feel pulled to get involved when plans A, B, and C from your husband's family all go sideways. It is a firm boundary you can have regardless of how well the situation is, or is not, going.

In my experience with my mom, the situation was never figured out. I did what I could and then had to take a deep breath and get very comfy with the reality of "or not". It was messy and so far from ideal. But, me getting further involved would not have changed that trajectory.

[bloomie]

Sounds like you got to a good place with this messy situation for now.

I wanted to chime in on your statement that it is up to your husbands family to figure it out, "or not". Those two little words are important. Sometimes BPD people and the situations they create are so difficult and complex that they just don't ever get figured out. At least not in any way we find acceptable. 

I think there is some real power in holding on to "or not"......it gives you the freedom to not feel pulled to get involved when plans A, B, and C from your husband's family all go sideways. It is a firm boundary you can have regardless of how well the situation is, or is not, going.

In my experience with my mom, the situation was never figured out. I did what I could and then had to take a deep breath and get very comfy with the reality of "or not". It was messy and so far from ideal. But, me getting further involved would not have changed that trajectory.

monamurre - thank you for emphasizing the "or not". That is really important for me to stay in an observational only stance with. Because the most likely outcome to the next mama drama will be less than ideal, messy, and far more complicated than things ever have to be. And me getting further involved is not going to change anything. You are so spot on with that! Again, thank you!

[Poison Ivy]

I also appreciate the "or not"; the phrase and concept have been circling in my brain since I read the post. Thank you!

[Leonor]

Hello Bloomie,

Oh, I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this; I'm in the same boat, with a insidiously covert MIL, a more aggressive than passive SIL, and a DH who feels obligated by trauma, pragmatics, and lack of social resources to coordinate care.

Plus, we are married to the GCs of enmeshing mothers. 

Actually, are we in the same boat? If so, let's meet on the Aloha deck and have fancy drinks by the pool while our DHs run ragged doing exactly what they know (bc we told them ) won't work: trying to take care of someone who does not want to be taken care of, because once the emergency is over they will no longer be the center of attention, while being aided and abetted by a disordered sibling whose own unresolved trauma undermines any effort to establish stability and peace of mind. Ooh, look, Bloomie! Canapés!

I actually had a mini breakdown this week myself, because even if nothing is really happening on the surface, I can feel the riptide pulling DH underneath. He's just a little more distant. Ever so slightly un-present. And just a touch of exasperated with me. Which triggers my abandonment trauma and sends me into an emotional tailspin.

Some years ago, this drove us to the brink of divorce, and I remember posting in tears to you all at 4 in the morning after a night of screaming and silences. So I want to  you all for your support and kind, wise words, and I and everyone here loves you, Bloomie, for your support, your wisdom, and your kindness.

Bloomie, you always give; do you ever ask for what you need? Not what your MIL needs or doesn't need, or what DH needs or doesn't need to do, or what SIL needs or doesn't need to stop doing.

What do you need from DH, Bloomie? What's your love language? I need affection. A hug and kiss and "I love you" goes a loooong way for me. Time carved out of the day. A good laugh together. If I have those things, I don't care if DH spends the rest of his day playing chauffeur to Miss Daisy. I'm like, Boy, bye!

Just recently I realized that I have a lot of shame around having needs. I'm 50 years old. I've been married for almost half that time. I shouldn't need DH to say I love you in order to feel secure, or get pouty if DH doesn't give me a kiss goodbye. It's embarrassing. It's childish. It's insecure and immature.

I haven't realized that's not true; I'm just starting to work on wondering whether or not other grown ups feel that way. If people in long term relationships actually do still say I love you and hug for no reason and feel all mushy around their SO. Now that I live in a much more expressive culture, I'm fascinated by all the 80 year old couples who hold hands walking down the street.

So, Bloomie, what does your DH do that makes you feel all loved up inside? Can you ask for more of that, please, while you're feeling vulnerable and powerless around MIL and SIL? Don't dig yourself into the trenches for the battle royale over DH. Focus on you. What do you need? What can that man do every day to make you feel like you're the number one woman in his world?

Get that, and then come join me on the Aloha deck for drinks that come with fruit skewers and little paper umbrellas! 

[bloomie]

I actually had a mini breakdown this week myself, because even if nothing is really happening on the surface, I can feel the riptide pulling DH underneath. He's just a little more distant. Ever so slightly un-present. And just a touch of exasperated with me. Which triggers my abandonment trauma and sends me into an emotional tailspin.

Oh, Leonor! I'm sorry for this thought week you have had. Yes, the riptide pulling our DH's under is always there. And it takes a toll on them, us, and our relationships. A dangerous rip tide. How are you doing today?

I realized where the entry point for the anxiety I have been feeling around all of this is. Several years ago my fil was in a long health decline that was absolute chaos to try and manage and navigate. It had been a long hard road. As Fil was at a crisis point, DH experienced a medical emergency and I wasn't sure he was going to live through it for about a week. It was made clear DH's medical crisis was stress related after internalizing everything for far too long.

The angst of living through the uncertainty and seeing DH, a person with a baseline of good health and fitness, laid so low along with being left alone with Fil's concurrent health crisis exposed to all of the high conflict and drama bound behaviors of DH's family, I can truly say it was a very long low point. The behavior was just too ugly toward me, our adult children, and by extension DH, and it broke me down and forever changed things for me.

In thinking through what I need from DH I am realizing that I need to see him cope effectively with the shit show that is his family. You rightly point out there is a huge potential for harm directly to DH and to our lives. I have been reassured that the therapy and help that DH has had in the intervening years has brought him to a place where he can handle what lies ahead. 

Actually, are we in the same boat? If so, let's meet on the Aloha deck and have fancy drinks by the pool while our DHs run ragged doing exactly what they know (bc we told them ) won't work: trying to take care of someone who does not want to be taken care of, because once the emergency is over they will no longer be the center of attention, while being aided and abetted by a disordered sibling whose own unresolved trauma undermines any effort to establish stability and peace of mind. Ooh, look, Bloomie! Canapés!

YES PLEASE!!!! I love fancy drinks with little umbrellas! I am going to hold this imagery in my heart as I step away!!! Sadly, I do think we are in the same boat, so let's make it a party boat!!! 🛳🎉🥳

[Leonor]

Hi Bloomie,

Oh, yes! We just had a big nor'easter rip through our marriage yesterday, because FIL's passing last year took the dysfunction to new and terrifying heights, and now that MIL is in decline, I am not going to put myself or my children through that again.

I also know, dread and know, that no one is anyone to anyone more than mom. It is an awesome responsibility and I honor you, Bloomie, for the wisdom and generosity you invest in maintaining supportive and healthy boundaries around your children and children in love (I love that phrase!) to tread gently around their relationships.

For us, it means being aware that while DH is prattling on about "oh, she's just an old woman," or, "I'll just take care of some practical things," or "meh, she doesn't really affect me all that much anymore," we know that this is mom were talking about, and it's like the officiant at a wedding. She may not be powerful in her character, her resources, or her internal fortitude, but by the power invested in her as a biological mother, well, she's formidable. There's a reason the "boss fight" in movies and video games is often a mother. Like the dragon in "Sleeping Beauty," or the the antagonist in "Aliens," or even the baddie in "Beowulf," if you managed to stay awake that long in your high school English Lit class.

For me, the only way to win is not to play. I remember both of us posting about exhausting ourselves playing DIL hostess with the mostess, nursing, serving, placating, smiling, while these women were burrowing their way under the surface to undercut our marriages and destabilize their sons. Today, fuggedaboudit!

I just went through a four day, 24 hr a day blowout argument/marriage bootcamp that was no fun at all, in which DH actually spoke the words, "I feel Obligated to help because if I don't I'm Afraid something will happen to her and I'll feel so Guilty" (ring a ding ding!) which threw me into a full blown PTSD abandonment panic.

We managed to crawl out but we decided on a sign. No words. No argument. No explanation. It's the "timeout" sign from basketball. If one of us makes that sign, it means, I think we need to pause here. It means, the fog is rolling in so before we freak out and run ourselves ragged with worry and appointments and decide you or me or we are the problem, we're going to take a breath.

I would also like a ref whistle and black and white striped shirt but maybe that is overkill.

Waiter! Fresh fruit juice for Leonor and Bloomie on the Lido deck, please!