New Here

[manders1188]

Hi, I'm new to the forum. I have a parent who's a narcissist and I'm 35; I'm finally at a point where I'm tired of dealing with them. I spoke my mind and told them why I don't reach out or see them a lot. They came back ignoring all of my feelings and made it all about them. They tried making me feel guilty for not taking care of them. This happened just before Easter and I stopped contacting them since then. Today is their birthday and I didn't wish them a happy birthday. I felt like it would have been out of obligation and they're expecting it so I didn't want to give in to their satisfaction.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You are in good company here.
It's ok not to contact people who make you feel less than.
Read around on the forum, start with the Toolbox.
See you around on the boards!

[SonofThunder]

Another warm welcome here to Out of the FOG, manders1188.

I second notrightinthehead's pointing you to the toolbox.  In the toolbox you read about methods of no or limited contact; what notrightinthehead is describing.  For example, my father has once again been very problematic with me starting again back in 2022 and prior to that time, I was LC (limited contact), but for my own protection, I went NC (no contact).   

Both of those decisions (and many others) are part of the larger (and very important subject) of boundaries.  *See the term 'boundaries' in the Toolbox tab above.  Boundaries is such a powerful and overarching term and practice to clearly understand and even more difficult to perform correctly. 

The main thing to remember about boundaries is that they are solely for our own self protection.  We can only control our own actions and reactions, not those of any other adult human.  Our proper boundaries are not required to be conveyed to another person in advance or ever.  Many people do convey for politeness, simply informing the other person of a self-change of action/reaction going forward, but please know that doing so to a PD is handing them the roadmap to the self-protective treasure we seek, and a PD will study the map, run ahead of us and create detours along the way so that we never find our desired treasure.  PD's feel a power-surge inside themselves by thwarting our plans and that makes them feel better about themselves, which is their main focus anyway, and they will hurt others to feel better about themselves. 

In your example, you chose to disclose the reason for your LC boundary and the PD parent did not respect your boundaries on yourself, purposefully belittling you for your actions and reactions.  Yes, LC and even NC are valid choices as toolbox tools with a PD, but additionally, so is closely guarding your self-protective boundaries in secrecy.  The PD may actually experience the non-disclosed boundary you choose for yourself, but the PD needs or deserves no explanation from the self-protective boundary setter.  We are not asking the PD to do anything, because that is not a proper boundary; again our decisions are for our own actions/reactions only. 

As a boundary disclosure analogy: when you reach a bright detour sign and a physical barrier while driving on the road, the work crew did not post a phone number for complaints, or bulletin board of explanation posted next to the detour sign, of what the work crew is doing or why you cannot move forward in the normal direction.  Rather, the workers just erected a strong, secure barrier to protect themselves and get to work as safe as possible. Your choice is to crash into the strong barrier, experience self-damage but hopefully not damage or thwart the workers progress, go a new direction in the detour, or turn around and go back in the direction from which you came. 

I suggest that your current LC experience is a fantastic (and telltale) lesson on your PD parent, helping you solidify that their PD motive will always be 'self', which is foundational for a PD.  You can choose NC as notright suggested, or continued LC, but additionally, I suggest you keep your decisions private to yourself.  When you stop handing the PD your roadmap to treasured self-protection, it causes them to work much harder to figure out which road you are taking, and many times, we can stay slightly ahead of them, making sure our chosen path is available.  If we see a PD has made a correct anticipation of our direction, we silently add a detour of further self protection and they will find themselves behind once again or on the wrong path altogether, and both are their own problem to solve.

Believe me, your PD parent will try to detour your desires in some manner, so dont make it easy and hand them the directions.  See you around the boards!

SoT