Tone Policing

[biggerfish]

My husband has fleas from his family. And recently, he has stepped up a behavior that I now have found out is called "tone policing." He tells me not to "raise my voice" and he tells me to "calm down." I'm an expressive person, so it's really painful to be treated like I'm unacceptable. Tone policing is very demeaning, and I now understand that this is something especially done to women. I know vaguely that I need to establish boundaries with him about this, but I don't know how. And what I'm even less sure about is whether I want to also explain "tone policing" to him.

I could use some wisdom from some of you here. It really cuts deep when he does it. And I know it's from his family, as his siblings are all conditioned by their PD mother to have an even tone at all times, to the point of extreme. They even lack enthusiasm, which I think is related. They have no high highs, and no low lows. Thanks for any help, and especially specifics about how to respond when he does this.

[blunk]

Wow, I had never heard that term before, but I definitely experienced it with my bpdxh. He would literally rage-scream in my face and I was supposed to just take it. But if the volume of my voice increased in the least (even if it was due to excitement over something positive) I was accused of yelling and/or being angry. It was so frustrating. I remember saying once, I'm not yelling, if I were you would know...and so would the neighbors!

I'm sorry that I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in experiencing this behavior.

[11JB68]

Oh yes.  Updh does this to me also.  Literally will say 'I don't like that tone'. Also that I'm being shrill. Or "yelling" at him.  On and on.

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with users' suggestions if your husband has fleas only. 

Should that not be possible, you are in a difficult situation. The constant criticism will make you feel self conscious and wear you down. You might have to make yourself indifferent to your h's remarks and that will put a serious dent into your emotional intimacy.  You would have to practise medium chill to protect yourself. I sincerely hope for you that you can clear it up in an open, honest, and frank discussion.

[1footouttadefog]

The tone comments would feel like devaluation to me. 

[Mathilda]

Whenever I raised my voice, my mother would tell me to stop yelling at her. For years I tried to lower my voice, unfortunately that made me a very insecure person when I was with other people. I could never be spontaneous in my emotional reactions, because I was always afraid that other people would find me agressive. Until I noticed that lots of people, both men and women, raise their voice and that it is actually normal. It took me another couple of years before I fully allowed myself to do the same but nobody was shocked :-) I even think they like me better, because nobody has to guess anymore how I feel.

I don't understand why your husband all of a sudden would want you to change. You are someone who has a healthy capability of expressing her emotions and he must have liked that, otherwise he wouldn't have married you. Could it be that he feels pressured by his family, maybe someone (MIL?) said something to him about you needing to lower your voice?

[sunshine702]

Yep!!! This is my experience today as well.  I experienced frustration at a frustrating experience (for the 6th time in a row the grocery App will not work right and it is a lot of money difference) I was also accused of Yelling.  I am not yelling I am frustrated.  I realize I am also VERY sensitive about statements like that  — I have learned to being told "not" to feel something.  Or my husband offers solutions right away.  Something like well stop going there.  Which he thinks is being helpful and I guess it is but the other stores are much more expensive and much further away. 

Sigh yeah.  The invalidation the quick solutions the stop yelling.  For our group that has a lifetime of being gas light.  This is a real issue with me lately as well. 

You are not alone.  I am trying to get him to understand and I am trying to realize I guess that is how he sees it and he is trying to help with solutions.

I hear you.  I get it. 

[blacksheep7]

My tone was perceived as being angry all the time when I disagreed with NM or Foo.

Yes, frustration from gaslighting was the cause. I expressed my emotions, raising my voice which were seen as negative, confrontational towards the reality I was experiencing.
I was the only one of four siblings who spoke up, the others would just brush it off.

I still get worked up in a hot debate of any kind of conversation with whoever. I'm not yelling or angry, just speaking in a louder tone. It is a personaly trait, a communication style.

Many people become uncomfortable when we express our beliefs with passion.

[Cat of the Canals]

"Watch your tone," was a favorite phrase of PDmom when I was a child. Naturally, she never had to watch her tone. In fact, when she said, "Watch your tone," her voice was usually menacing/threatening.

If you feel being direct is something he'd find too triggering, you could try owning it.
"Why should I calm down? I'm excited/upset/worried/etc."

[IsleOfSong]

In my house, if there is a difference of opinion with even the slightest hint of a debate, my wife frequently flags it as "yelling," though I almost never raise my voice. My favorite response to that is: "You've been yelling at us for years; imagine how we feel."

[sunshine702]

I am also a used of lying.  My partner latches on to any detail that was not quite as I had said it as LYING.  You constantly LIE about what I said.

Recently I signed up for some online therapy and there is a box to check to "invite your partner". I clicked it .  Then I told him I had signed us up for some online therapy. Now That came out wrong and of course the reality of the situation is I signed me up for some therapy and hoped you could come or not.  He blew his stack that I had taken his agency away.  That I LIED.  I did understand that I probably should have checked with him before checking the box but it was grey area and I did not mean to have the situation so bad.  I am nearly in tears .  This sort of not accepting Grey area and ascribing male -intent is gaslighting too right?