Difficult friendship issue

[Breadroll]

Long term friend-  in another city - made offer to visit.   I overrode my first instincts after three conversations in which  invite was reinforced -( friend has a lot going on) . Long story short, day 3, friend says she needs quiet ( I literally  make no noise, and am very self sufficient ) and she needs time to herself in her current situation etc. But I am "welcome to stay"  ( obviously not!) , and implied that I had made too much conversation ) , and she feels terrible but etc. It was Just so uncomfortable, so unkind, and very tied up with their own current state -

   - so I said that's fine,, so sorry, thankyou etc  very quickly packed bags and left  ( thank goodness had hired car).

I feel such an idiot, should have gone with my first instinct and declined.

I feel shaken, the friendship is damaged- and - just upset. There is another invite to join next weekend, but obviously I don't want to!

It is an odd time in life - lot of reflection on where I stand with various relationships- and I guess it is better to know.  So sad and rather wobbly.

. 

[SonofThunder]

Hi Breadroll,

Sorry you are having these difficulties.  You stated this is "long term friend". 

-In the past, have you had other occasion to travel to see the friend (or friend travels to see you) and the stay was joyful and longer than 3 days?

-In the past, was your friendship developed when you lived very close to one another and 'staying' wasn't necessary because you lived so close to one another?

SoT 

[Breadroll]

Thanks for your thoughtful response SoT- both of those apply in the past. A lot of joy. Some pivotal support in both directions. . In recent years a lot of issues  for friend- understandably not in a good space- and  not sure how to put this- exerting excessive control and judgement  on environment- including those closest. Best just to keep to phone calls - where the relationship has been good. I love friend- but should have protected  myself.  I have been rather down recently and let guard down.
There is no possibility of anyone being in their environment without this happening - (invitation -well meant- and then imply that other person is imposing/ doing wrong things/ is inadequate/ not being strong enough/ etc ) and it has given me extra compassion and insight in to their recent issues with their now adult kids. I only had a taste of what would have been very , very hard for them. Compassion all round.
My " feedback"  was simply to leave- if I am not there, I cannot to be " the problem" .
Gathering up strength, realigning- not sure what to call it.  A little  heartbroken, best to see things as they really are.

[notrightinthehead]

I have a friend like this. We went to school together and I love her. However, I can only take her in small doses. I do not travel with her, nor do I spend the night at her place.  She is complicated and does not hold back with her opinions and disapprovals. But I have decided that I want her in my life, sporadically, with long breaks in between. When we speak, it's fun until it's time to withdraw. When she gets tense, self righteous, domineering.

This has been a learning opportunity for you. Now you can decide where you go from here with this person. You can also reflect on what her behavior has triggered in you, your feelings of rejection, what came along with them, how you coped and restored your inner balance.

[Breadroll]

Notrightinthehead- very grateful for your response- the validation I needed at this time. Your description hit the nail on the head! That's exactly it!

Very similar circumstances. I had good boundaries until recently, when my home town community ( small) became rather " excluding"  - and am feeling a bit down on many fronts simultaneously.  So when encouraged multiple times- decided to say yes.- for three nights - managed 2! 
feel quite bad for even saying this - which is odd, as the treatment was awful!- and yet friend has difficult stuff to deal with, so compassion etc. Maybe I was too happy and chatty, or not sad enoughor whatever- but probably not.- there was no way to be " correct" temperature.

It's cognitive dissonance I think- friend kindly sent little gifts recently- really nice, and one day of the visit was great.  Conversation usually supportive over phone( both ways)

It triggered - or emphasized- the loneliness I feel at present, and a sharp reminder that I have overestimated this relationship- and others- and need to think differently in my future.

I walked away quickly and politely after the " talk" , and a bit shaky, drove a supermarket to park, regroup thoughts, and buy food. I was  a bit spaced out -disconnected, until today then ruminated, then angry and then very sad....sorted out practical matters which made me feel better. Found increased compassion" for the kids- I didn't get it before, now I do . This relationship has been important to me and once really helped me in very concrete way.

Still a bit wobbly  - but you are right/ learning opportunity. Really appreciate your response.

[1footouttadefog]

It's important to re-evaluate relationships and level them up or down as needed for them to be healthy.

I have relationships that can only be over the phone for the most part with an occasional in person lunch or such. 

I have others where there is infrequent but it's all in when we do meet and usually in person with an occasional  thoughtful text or call in-between.

I have one friend who wants to dominate my time when I am in town and I now don't let her know my entire agenda.  I only let her know when I will be at her house.  I have even skipped on visiting relatives due to pressure in the past but now keep boundaries. 

There is a podcast called Crappy Friends that deals with these issues and they treat things well and with humor in most episodes

[Breadroll]

Thankyou all so much for feedback and the gréât link to crappy friends!  Enlightening

Reflecting again-Never override my instincts- first mistake. Rereading texts- no clue- it's all " please come, so excited etc".- but I know this person-I can trust myself.
Although friendship is very long term,i need boundaries ( definitely much reduced, for both my own reasons and because friend has momentous issues.).
I feel manipulated badly- " come here so I can imply you are imposing on me" . Friend will definitely feel " in the right" and my failings - whatever they are😎- will be the cause. Same as for their kids. Ugh!
I sent polite thankyou- which was briefly responded to.  Not sure from here- but never again!

[bloomie]

Reflecting again-Never override my instincts- first mistake. Rereading texts- no clue- it's all " please come, so excited etc".- but I know this person-I can trust myself.

Such an important take away from a truly awful, hurtful experience. You went, expecting to connect and enjoy time with a friend you trusted meant what they said... "come visit me" and your guard was rightly down. There is no logic in your friend's behavior and no loving kindness toward you in this abrupt treatment of you. It is really hard hit at an already lonely time. I am just so sorry.

We focus on familial relationships and the pain they can bring, but friendships, being treated poorly by someone out of hand like this, can be deeply painful! I am so glad you shared with us!

[Breadroll]

Thanks for your kind words Bloomie, that helped!