Fresh Start and Petty Fallout

[LiftingFog]

Hello everyone!  I didn't know where this belonged, so I hope this space works. 

I'm 18 months post divorce from my narc ex and relocated to a nearby state for a fresh start.  I've rebuilt my life and am still healing from my toxic short marriage, but I have come a long way.

This is a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but I'd like feedback on how best to handle it.  My narc exH and I shared a sport that is extremely popular in my (new) area and depending on the event, there is an overlap of acquaintances/members.  Although my narc exH moved back to our original state, one of his friends has blocked me from their groups event page so I have to rely on others to get info on races/clinics/events etc. in this one particular area where the exH used to live.  And this area is primo for my sport!  I'd have to travel 3 hours to find somewhere similar to practice vs. 75 minutes away.

My question is (and I think I know the answer already) is how should I handle this?  I think I shouldn't even bring it up or acknowledge it to other acquaintances and just rely on them to fill me in on events and such.  Because although my exH's friend only has heard lies about our marriage which he has chosen to believe, he's merely acting as a friend to exH, even though exH is no longer part of that group, doesn't live there anymore and has given up the sport completely due to physical issues. 

I hate how much this bothers me because it's just social media, but I think it's more a case of feeling like I've been judged without even getting to know me. 

Should I just let it go and not make a stink about it?  Up to now, when someone suggests I join xxx fb group to check out events, I've said, "I don't have access to that page." 

It's these small issues that I'm still struggling with how to handle...

[bloomie]

Because although my exH's friend only has heard lies about our marriage which he has chosen to believe, he's merely acting as a friend to exH, even though exH is no longer part of that group, doesn't live there anymore and has given up the sport completely due to physical issues.

It make perfect sense this would be disconcerting and upsetting. A marriage breaking up is hard enough without this kind of hurtful stuff.

I would gently challenge the notion that this person is just being a friend to your ex. I would suggest that they are serving as a gatekeeper and this sounds like petty and out of line behavior that is insidiously toxic. Especially as your ex is not part of the group or participating in the events. But even if your ex was, is part of the group guidelines that ex spouses cannot be in the same group? I doubt that very seriously.

Is there another admin to the event page you could appeal to if it is important enough to you?

Your response to your mutual friends is gracious. Are others able to share the event calendar with you somehow? It would seem you will be at the same events as the gatekeeper. How will that be for you?

[LiftingFog]

I would gently challenge the notion that this person is just being a friend to your ex. I would suggest that they are serving as a gatekeeper and this sounds like petty and out of line behavior that is insidiously toxic. Especially as your ex is not part of the group or participating in the events. But even if your ex was, is part of the group guidelines that ex spouses cannot be in the same group? I doubt that very seriously.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply! 

I agree - this is so high school.  Hard to believe we are all over 45! 

There is another admin, however, he was also friends with my exH and is good friends with E, the one who has blocked me and I'd feel like I was "tattling" on E.  As much as it frustrates me, I think to say anything would put me in a negative light, like I'm a shit-stirrer.  I think the best thing to do is to treat this the same way I dealt with my exH at the end - gray rock.  The bottom line is that no one can keep me (or anyone else) from using the area, and for any races or events I'll rely on my friends to fill me in. 

It's just so petty and I'd love for E (and the rest of that group) to know the truth about my exH.  And I'd love for the group to know about how petty E is acting as well!  But...I'll have to just sit back and let things evolve naturally.  A couple people have said to me, "Check out XXX group on FB for information..." and I've responded, "I don't have access to that group."  So far no one has followed up asking why. 

[1footouttadefog]

Not sure about out FB rules, however could you quietly start a new or another FB account and use it for your sports and such where you simply want info.

This is one thing I do think like about businesses and organizations using FB as their only  online presence.

[LiftingFog]

Not sure about out FB rules, however could you quietly start a new or another FB account and use it for your sports and such where you simply want info.

This is one thing I do think like about businesses and organizations using FB as their only  online presence.

I did as you suggested and am now part of that group under my "new" identity!  Problem solved!