Birthday Card

[BuzzyBee]

Sometimes these things get to me... It was a get together for Memorial Day at SILs house, and MIL was there. Haven't seen her in a while she seemed sort of stand offish which was ok, she's been kind of grumpy and anti social for a good year. She's not very involved with the grandchildren which I've just come to have zero expectations there. And she favors her daughter and her little girl more than our boys. But these things I'm used to.  The thing that got to me was that she didn't sign her sons birthday card, for whatever reason and his birthday was a week ago... And I have a hunch she purposely didn't sign it so she could show me it because I remember her doing something similar the previous year, and it was the exact same message.. And it was sort of rude/annoying then but I laughed it off, but two years in a row seems like she's trying to be a bit passive aggressive IDK. The card said something along the lines of "son i figured out what you will get for your inheritance good looks a sense of humor and great personality." And I understand its cute and she thinks its so funny but its just odd that she keeps picking stuff like that and I've never noticed her daughter getting cards like this. Then she also got him flip flops that were a size too small.. And she just was like oh sorry. It's like she didn't really try or care just picked something to check a box at whatever place she shops. I find it odd that she gives him stuff like that we never ask her for anything and never once have discussed inheritance but it would not surprise us if her daughter got more or everything, since I know how they both operate and it's just the way it is. I'm certain her daughter gets monetary help  and we don't ask for any (and her daughter is married and well off). Maybe that's why it's extra annoying because there's a hint of truth behind the joke. Anyway I just needed to vent. I hope everyone has a Happy Memorial day.

[bloomie]

Hi BuzzyBee - That is off, not signing a card. Why give him one at all? And one claiming the things that make him, him are actually hers! 😳

I find it odd that she gives him stuff like that we never ask her for anything and never once have discussed inheritance but it would not surprise us if her daughter got more or everything, since I know how they both operate and it's just the way it is. I'm certain her daughter gets monetary help  and we don't ask for any (and her daughter is married and well off). Maybe that's why it's extra annoying because there's a hint of truth behind the joke.

I have a theory that is nothing more than my own observations with my own in laws that may or may not be helpful. An adult child that still comes to them for money or help, especially a well off one, keeps them in the one up position. Superior and in control. Needed and acknowledged as having something everyone wants. And even better if adult children are fighting over, or for, mom's attention, regard, or financial resources.

An adult child who never asks for anything and who lives independently, like you and your DH, are equals. And heaven help the adult child in a relationship like this who achieves more success and happiness than the parent - however success and happiness is defined in the family system. They might receive bday cards two years in a row reminding them of their mother's superiority in having already given them 'good' things. Passive aggressively unsigned.

[treesgrowslowly]

 

I agree with Bloomie's observations.

What if you looked at everything your MIL did / didn't do during that family gathering, as a bid for attention?

People with those behaviours, have a long history of 'succeeding' with getting attention by doing something 'off'. Not signing her son's birthday card, could bring her the attention she craves. Someone might ask her why she did it, someone might spend their time wondering why she did it, and try to work to figure her out.

When she acts like everyone else, she doesn't get the attention she craves. When she does something odd, she has learned (through a lot of years of experience with people) that she's more likely to get our attention.

As the survivor of intense narcissistic abuse by my parent, nothing could get my attention like the subtle passive aggressive (PA) behaviour from that parent.

Birthday card / birthday gift PA was the "gift that kept on giving". 

Narc Passive Aggression - it had power over me for years because I was the child, forced to figure out the PA parent. Over and over. It is good to be an adult, and get peace in our own adult relationships, away from the PA of our narcissistic parents. As Bloomie wrote, when we are now equals to them, they can't deal with it.

Trees