I feel a little bit of a fraud

[Associate of Daniel]

I was out for a walk with a dear friend the other day.

Her 16 year old son was killed in a car accident 2 months ago.  We had been talking of bits and pieces regarding her journey of grief and she suddenly asked me how things are going with my (uNPD) exH.

I told her that things had been a bit strange lately as he has been acting "normal". As in, normal like us, which is very not normal for him. I said that it always makes me uncomfortable when he acts this way as I spend the entire time waiting for the shoe to drop.  And that it's weird that I feel more uncomfortable when he's being his usual awful self.

She said that she was sorry that I've had to go through that. (Meaning the whole journey.)

Her statement took me by surprise.  Partly because she is going through so much worse.  But also because I realised I don't feel bad.  I seem to have forgotten the angst and pain that he has caused over the last 10+ years.  I've forgotten a lot of the things that have gone on.  And the things that I do remember I no longer remember with pain.

I guess that's something to be glad about, and I guess in some ways to be proud of.  But I also feel a little of a fraud.

If I no longer feel those feels, did it all really happen?  Was it really as bad as it seemed at the time?  Is my story now irrelevant?  Am I now not qualified to help others in who are travelling a little further behind me on the road?

I know the logical answers to these somewhat silly questions but I'm interested in others' perspectives.

AOD

[NarcKiddo]

If I no longer feel those feels, did it all really happen?  Was it really as bad as it seemed at the time?  Is my story now irrelevant?  Am I now not qualified to help others in who are travelling a little further behind me on the road?

This resonates with me. I have used similar statements to gaslight myself over the years. In my case it is not because I had worked through the feelings. I only started therapy in the autumn of last year. My approach was simply to lock the feelings away in a large box in the darkest recess of the attic in my brain and hope I never had to confront them again. Part of my reason for starting therapy was that the feelings started making an awful clamour inside that box. My logical brain was still able to tell me that I was not feeling them so it must be OK. But I began to fear for the strength of the locks on the box and the last thing I wanted was for the whole boiling lot to break out all at once. Hence the therapy.

Now, I am not saying this is your position and I sincerely hope it is not. I hope that in your case you have actually been able to forget and overcome all the past pain. You may well have already done much more work on yourself than I have yet had time to do. I hope that for you this is a sign that your healing is well under way.

Whatever the actual position, I can assure you that your story is NOT irrelevant. You are amply qualified to help others and I see you do it here with much empathy and wisdom.

I am sorry for your friend's loss. What an awful tragedy.

[1footouttadefog]

I would wonder if it feels fraudulent possibly because those things are such a part of your identiny that not feeling the feelings seems wrong.

Maybe it's time to reevaluate how you perceive yourselve. 

Maybe celebrate being on the others side of the pain to such an extent and despite the residual issues and the intermittent interactions that day to day its over. 

I hope that you have found out what your new best path forward is ans can start making swift progress on that journey. 

Please do not to feel bad about your friend taking time out of her grief to meet you in your path.  She needs to have opportunities to be her true self and not be defined entirely by her loss as she heals and moves forward. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

How I read it is that zero-sum game disordered mentality is poking out a bit here, AOD. If your friend is having REAL grief, and yours is not as intense, dramatic, whatever, then it doesn't count. With our PD people there can only be one person on stage at a time and it had better be them. Their pain is always the worst, their needs the most urgent, and if you can't one-up them you may as well not exist. Or only exist to cater to them. The other flea I'm seeing here is the belief that feelings are facts. If you don't feel it, NOW, then it's not real and never was. 

Normal people, like your sweet friend, do not want to hog the stage at all times. They want give and take. They care about what's going on with you even in the midst of their stuff. They may even find relief in thinking about someone else. They recognize that emotions shift. That the grief that is so hard today will get better, and they are happy for it to get better. And you know these things, certainly, but our emotional selves take a little longer to catch up. After a lifetime of being flooded with stress hormones and negative emotions, the absence of them is going to feel... rather strange!

[SonofThunder]

After a lifetime of being flooded with stress hormones and negative emotions, the absence of them is going to feel... rather strange!

+1. Well said CMC!  This is something I also need to keep in mind.  Now separated, I have also had times where my decades of constant, high-radar security guard self is down a little, and it feels very unsettling and vulnerable. 

SoT

[Associate of Daniel]

Thank-you all for your various and interesting perspectives.

I do think I am ok regarding dealing with the feelings.  It's been a long time and I'm fairly sure that I've dealt completely with most things.

I recognised that my friend's question regarding my uNPD exH was her need for a distraction from her own grief, although she was/is very sincere in her attention.

In terms of remembering the abuse - there may be some abuse amnesia there.  However, I think the amnesia is more about the feelings I felt at the time rather than forgetting the actual events/situations.  Although, I do know there are many occasions that I have forgotten, simply because they fade as normal memories do.

Anyway, I'm glad to be where I'm at, both mentally and in terms of time.  Ds is 16 and a half.  Only 1 and half more years to go although he will still have a year of school after he turns 18.  And I'm well aware that 18 is not a magic number that makes everything get immediately better or easier.

AOD

[SeaBreeze]

However, I think the amnesia is more about the feelings I felt at the time rather than forgetting the actual events/situations.

AOD, I just said something very similar in a different thread. I very vividly recall years' worth of incidents, but in an emotionally detached way. I'm not sure if I'm numb, or maybe I really am healing? But I still have to remind myself that it doesn't mean my abusive marriage is okay now.

As for your friend, many of us are dealing with some type of pain or grief in our lives. It helps when we meet or know others who can recognize and support one another no matter what challenges we are each experiencing. My heart goes out to both you and your friend equally.

[Call Me Cordelia]

SeaBreeze, I do think the detachment is evidence of healing. I have a very clear example of this from my EMDR experience. I have been terrified of bike riding. Learning to ride, having to go through a "fun time" of daddy taking me to the park where he criticized and berated me relentlessly for struggling up a hill without ever teaching me how to do it more easily, blame and shame for a whole afternoon and then being forced to thank him for taking me. I wanted nothing to do with it. The thought of teaching my kids to ride a bike gave me panic attacks. This was a memory I worked through in EMDR. I still don't feel a desire to ride myself, but even writing this the feelings didn't come back. My heart rate is normal. My teenage son loves to take long bike rides with Dad now and it doesn't freak me out. All that from the past is still real and still there, but it just doesn't matter so much in the here and now. It's "just" a memory.