What did you tell your kids?

[Morocha2015]

I've been NC with HPDm and emotionally neglectful f for 4 years and I'm finally starting to feel at peace with it. Two of my children met my parents but they don't remember them. My parents treated them exactly like they treated me, putting them down and seeking attention at all cost. DD is almost 9 and beginning to ask me questions about my life. I know she's going to start asking about my parents soon. I have no idea what to tell her. I don't want to scare her. I'm not a perfect parent, I've made plenty of mistakes as I've struggled with my own inner turmoil. I'm afraid that if I share what happened to me she'll be afraid that I'll do it to her. Also, we know how toxic parents can be difficult to explain- the shame they make you feel can be difficult to explain to others. How much do I share? I'd love all of your thoughts and experiences!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi Morocha! I'm in a similar boat to you. NC for about five years now, some of my kids have clear memories of my parents and some have never met them or were too young to have memories of them. The oldest ones have some questions, sometimes, but by now they've accepted the situation. It flares up occasionally when one of their friends does something cool with their grandparents but even for those older kids, it was clear they did not miss grandma and grandpa. They were just never a very important part of their lives, even when I was really beating my head against the wall trying to foster that connection. (Little me trying to feel loved by them through my own children. So sad.) Yes, history repeated itself with my kids too, they were simply not of interest to my parents except as sources of supply, which was all my job. So very little love lost.

But with the asking about my childhood, I just haven't gotten too detailed. The ones old enough to ask (11 and 13) are aware of how their grandparents didn't really pay attention to them, so they can make that connection to what it was like for me. They have enough imagination to figure it was actually a lot worse than than that, but I've been clear that I'm not going to be giving gory details because of idle curiosity. They've read enough fairy tales to know that not all parents are good people. But they also know that Cinderella comes out on top.

I'm not saying I will never share more, but I'm going to be very careful that there's a reason for doing so and that I don't burden my children with my stuff. They know it's bad enough on both sides that we don't see any of them. They know we've filled our life with good people we can trust, so we're not weirdo isolated paranoid people. Most of the time, it simply isn't a thing for them. I hope that helps.

[Morocha2015]

Thank you, Cordelia, that really really helps! It sounds like your children really trust you and are ok with your decisions and what you do and do not share, that really gives me hope. I so appreciate you sharing your experience!!!

[Leonor]

Hello all!

My three keywords are:

Appropriate.
Accurate.
Kind.

Here's an example:

MIL is overtaking her prescription medications again and has just raged at DH and now refuses to come out of her house, which leads FIL to ask if the kiddies can come over for a visit before taking her to the doctor.

To the FIL, we say, "*$#@& to the no!"

To each other, we say, "What in the for real *$#@?"

For my grade schooler, we say, "Well, Grandma isn't feeling real well right now and Dad and Grandpa are looking after her. We'll go say hey when it's a better time. Say, it's been a while since we went to the zoo. Let's go look at the orangutans!"

For my younger teen, we say, "You know how people can get physically ill, like with diabetes? Well, your brain can have illnesses too; that's what people mean when they talk about mental illness. That's kind of like what Grandma has. It's not her fault, and she's not in danger, but when her illness gets aggravated it's best that we give her some space. Grandpa and Dad are taking care of it, and when things settle down a bit we can stop by and see her. Now, you're late to soccer practice, so git and we can talk more later if you want."

For my older teen, we say, "Grandma's depression is aggravated again, so Dad and Grandpa are working out with her doctor whether or not her meds should be adjusted. It's something that people even without her condition tend to struggle with, so if kids at school are experimenting with meds, be aware that addictions run in this family and you don't want to play around with that. I know it's hard when things get stirred up, but know that the adults have this situation under control. Do you have any questions you want to ask?"

But you know your kids, and what makes them feel empowered and reassured. You're a good parent, and you can trust yourself!