Reflections over lost illusions

[Kitbit]

I recently did some work on breaking the trauma bond with xnpd. This came after realizations that the behaviors that manifested in the marriage would continue in the friendship. Call me naive lol, but I had been spared for a long time, and the recurrence of harmful behaviours was a shock to what I had thought was a better normal as friends. I now realize that the whole of their motivations are around maintaining supply, and threats to that will be met aggressively by them (verbal/emotional). My recovery time from these incidents is significant, and I wanted to do some work on how to be more realistic in my expectations. A course around this has brought me to that more realistic vision, but also sadness over lost illusions. I feel more subdued and disappointed about the relationship. I feel lonely because the mirage that I held onto for so many years has vanished in front of my eyes. I lack credible alternatives, as my lonely upbringing has been the "gift that has kept on giving" in terms of my inability to meaningfully connect with others, and the physical distance of others who could care or do things with me. Has anyone else been there? How did you move to a better emotional space? How did you connect with others? I'd be grateful for any perspectives.   

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'll be brief, Kitbit, since I just wrote a more thoughtful post that got lost and it's getting late.

I guess I moved from a lonely post-breakup place to a better place by forming friendships.  Isolation can feel like something safe.  But it's poison to me.  Some solitude is good for me, but isolation never is.

Since I had social phobia, I had to take things in small steps, but I found some helpful 12 step groups and also just showing up for events I liked and meeting some of the others.  Over time, I've developed some very deep long-term friendships.  So valuable.

I hope you find some connections which can help you get past such a painful place!

[Truthseeker1]

Hi Kitbit, I cannot relate to the entire situation, but I can relate to some of it. I have recently come to realize that a marriage of over 30 years to an undiagnosed, borderline personality. Narcissistic wife does not show much promise to ever be the relationship I dreamed I would have. You are a few steps ahead of me. I am still married and trying all of the coping mechanisms that I read about like gray rock and medium chill. I was hoping they would bring relief. They do prevent her behavior from escalating to the highest levels, but I am still left, feeling so empty and disappointed. I lament that being gray is, the best it can be.  So, although I succeed at preventing escalation to a level 10, the marriage is still a failure. I agree with the previous post, stating having some time alone to process is good, but isolation is not. Other than communicating with people who have been in relationship with PD, it is pretty easy to remain feeling isolated when it comes to discussing your feelings about this sort of thing. I'm so happy you were here on the forum and able to express yourself where people can understand where you're coming from. I also agree that making connections with others that are healthy is the ticket out.  The deeper your connections with others, the smaller your connection with your ex will become. It's easy to have anxiety that prevents us from connecting with others when we feel low about ourselves because of our childhood, or our relationship with our PD partners. My advice is figure out what you do like to do. Start doing that. Force yourself to join a bowling league or a reading club or a motorcycle gang 😂. Whatever it is that you're about. There are bound to be others that share the same interest. When I find others that I can connect with I try to encourage them in their hobby or their interest. It takes all the pressure off of me. Anyways, I'm sorry some rooms are being re-opened. I wish you the best.

[Truthseeker1]

Rooms = wounds
sorry