Confused

[Pepin]

I am not sure what is happening.  I've been wracking my brain for answers, rewinding interactions and text conversations and nada.  I feel that something is happening with my closest friend.  I have kept my circle incredibly small over the last years as a way of keeping myself safe...and now I feel that it is in jeopardy.  Several years ago my friend failed to share something important with me.  I was floored when I found out -- and before I could ask her about it, she came forward and apologized for the oversight.  While it still hurt, I did accept the apology.  But for whatever reason, and I did go back and read the text, it was semi insincere.  I think I accepted the apology robotically because I didn't want to cause waves.

Since then, there have been a few other times where I have been left out of certain communications.  And this makes me feel somewhat abandoned, I guess...considering that I was abandoned as a young child by both parents.  My friend is older than me by almost a decade...and I cannot believe that cognitive decline is to blame or age. 

This past spring my friend failed again to communicate plans with me.  She knew my plans and I even went back to my text chat with her to confirm that I had indeed told her.  She said she thought she had told me hers....but no, she had not from any of the texts chats. 

One of my children just graduated and I gave my friend the info about it.  While we didn't host a party (another family friend did that is in a different circle than my friend and I), my friend offed no congratulations until I posted on FB!  I'm quietly floored.  When her children graduated, you bet I sent flowers, gifts and well wishes on.their.special.day. 

Ugh.  Friend has a celebration coming up....and it is feeling awkward since we haven't connected since March.  I'm technically the host and planner but I'm not feeling it.  Perhaps that will be time for me to decide how it will be going forward.  I'm feeling like I might branch off and go my separate way....which is sad because I don't have any other closer friends.  And I know my husband will be concerned...ugh since he is semi friends with her husband.  But omg....I'm so torn.  This behavior of hers is triggering.  I don't know what to do.   

[SonofThunder]

Hi Pepin,

Sorry to ready you are having difficulties with your friend and I hope you will figure out what is best for you.  You have had a fair amount of upheaval in your life the last years, including difficulties with your DH. I'm not trying to detour your post but mentioning for possible process of elimination. 

You wrote:

"And I know my husband will be concerned...ugh since he is semi friends with her husband."

Is there any possibility that your DH/her DH's friendship is close enough to include personal matters meant to be kept private, and your friend has found out through her own husband, possibly causing her to distance a little for her own self-protective reasons or possibly she is being reactive to shared information that may have been possibly truth-skewed as it passes from one person to the next, resulting in your friend to believe something that may not be accurate?

SoT

[Pepin]

Is there any possibility that your DH/her DH's friendship is close enough to include personal matters meant to be kept private, and your friend has found out through her own husband, possibly causing her to distance a little for her own self-protective reasons or possibly she is being reactive to shared information that may have been possibly truth-skewed as it passes from one person to the next, resulting in your friend to believe something that may not be accurate?

SoT

No, their friendship is actually not that close.  They have done a couple of things together but it was very casual.  I just really don't know what to think.  Maybe she is bored of me?  I am somewhat of an introvert but I do make an effort to show up and be inclusive.  This is why I am confused.  Maybe all along she was just putting up with me?  But even that seems far fetched?  We've known each other for nearly 20 years!  Friends like that don't keep important details to themselves and then passively brush it off as saying: I thought I mentioned it to you? 

IDK maybe I'm having a midlife crisis.  My friend knows I am an honest no nonsense individual and actually so is she...

[SonofThunder]

Thank you for taking the time to respond, dear Pepin.  I agree 20 yr friends don't act like that.  Hopefully you may gain clarity soon. In fact it may be something on your friend's side that is difficult for her to discuss.  Hugs to you. 🤗

SoT

[notrightinthehead]

When I am confused and feel insecure, I go back to facts only. I make no assumptions whatsoever because I know that, given my history, I have a lot of insecurities and own devils. Fact is, your friend didn't mention some event and she took a while to congratulate you on your child's graduation. Is that enough reason for you to cool down the friendship?
Whatever else you feel and assume about that person is your own. And it's really important that you look at how you feel, what insecurities this triggered within you, what memories come up, and what you can do to soothe and comfort yourself. The way forward is to be more comfortable with yourself. Then disappointments like that will still happen but you can pick yourself up and put your crown back on.

[Catothecat]

When friends have done this to me, when it's an obvious and deliberate pulling away, it's usually because something in our dynamic had changed.  Sometimes it's because they moved away and don't find value in a long-distance relationship, or something in their life changed and they don't relate to me the same way they once did, or I somehow no longer serve for them whatever purpose I once serve.  It's something, and the change didn't come out of the air for no reason.  Can you think of anything like that that may have occurred?

There's also a possibility that she knows she messed up but doesn't know how to "make it right" so is pulling away because of feelings of guilt. Could that be the case? 

Otherwise, you may never be able to figure it out because you can't get into their head space.  You have to rely on them to convey what's going on and if they don't, all you can do is your best guess.  And at that point, you have to decide how much time and effort you're going to make.  I agree with notright that it's important to evaluate feelings this friend's behavior triggered. What feelings are they directly responsible for as opposed to what feelings automatically arose?  Are they being deliberate or are they just being themselves (i.e., somewhat insensitive)? 

[Pepin]

Thank you for taking the time to respond, dear Pepin.  I agree 20 yr friends don't act like that.  Hopefully you may gain clarity soon. In fact it may be something on your friend's side that is difficult for her to discuss.  Hugs to you. 🤗

SoT

Yes....I agree with your response.  This first time is happened a few years ago I was blindsided.  Perhaps there is something she is holding back on. 

[Pepin]

When I am confused and feel insecure, I go back to facts only. I make no assumptions whatsoever because I know that, given my history, I have a lot of insecurities and own devils. Fact is, your friend didn't mention some event and she took a while to congratulate you on your child's graduation. Is that enough reason for you to cool down the friendship?
Whatever else you feel and assume about that person is your own. And it's really important that you look at how you feel, what insecurities this triggered within you, what memories come up, and what you can do to soothe and comfort yourself. The way forward is to be more comfortable with yourself. Then disappointments like that will still happen but you can pick yourself up and put your crown back on.

Facts are definitely where I go to when I am trying to untangle my conflicted feelings.  I feel left out.  I want my youngest to be celebrated.  I want to be welcomed into the empty nesters club that my friend is already in.  I don't know what I did wrong.  My friend is nearly a decade older than myself yet our kids are of similar age - I don't know if there is some resentment towards me there in terms of aging?  I just don't know. 

It is going to take a deep effort on my part to show up later this summer to the event I am hosting for my friend -- to be emotionally present and in a good mood.  Glad my husband will be by my side...

[Pepin]

When friends have done this to me, when it's an obvious and deliberate pulling away, it's usually because something in our dynamic had changed.  Sometimes it's because they moved away and don't find value in a long-distance relationship, or something in their life changed and they don't relate to me the same way they once did, or I somehow no longer serve for them whatever purpose I once serve.  It's something, and the change didn't come out of the air for no reason.  Can you think of anything like that that may have occurred?

My sense is that now we are empty nesters and our kids are going in vastly different directions...our kids were only really connected in elementary school for a few years.  They went to different middle schools and different high schools.  We likely won't live forever in our town and will move as soon as our adult kids are settled with their lives.  We cannot financially stay here and my friend is aware of this. 

Looking back....I am surprised that we remained friends as long as we did.  We get along well but don't really line up with many things.  Our values are different and even how we spend our time.  We don't have similar interests or hobbies...even our work fields of interest are different.  My husband and I are well versed in many topics mostly lead through our children and their lives.  We take pride in being well informed and being inclusive and helpful with our friends.  I have been patient with this friend throughout the friendship, always been available to chat and genuinely like it that she is different than me -- and she knows this.  Her husband is going to retire soon...maybe this is scary for her because she has to keep going? 

[Leonor]

Hi Pepin,

Wow, there are so many stories swirling around in your head, all of which are centered around some insecurity or fear or callousness in your friend (who, as you say, has little in common with you, anyway.)

I wonder if it hurts more because this friend is an older woman, and maybe you held out hope that she might be the older sister or aunt or mother figure or mentor you never had?

Separate what is yours and what is hers. Then why not just ask her?

[countrygirl]

Hi Pepin,

It hurts when friends become withholding and we don't know why.  Been there, done that.

I agree with Leonor, why not just ask her?  You can present it in an open manner, just saying that you've been friends for a long time and the friendship is important to you.  That given how long you've known each other, you want to tell her that you've wondered whether there was anything the matter, because she's seemed a little more distant than usual.

The fact is that unless you ask her, you will probably never know what is going on.  It might not have anything to do with you.  There might be something weighing on her mind, so that she's simply not herself right now.  At any rate, I think the friendship is worth the effort.  And your peace of mind is also worth the effort.  There is no guarantee that she will tell you, but at least you will have expressed yourself.   

[Pepin]

Thanks for the replies everyone.  OK an sure, I'll do it.  I just extended an invite to meet for coffee and I'll see if I can get some info on the situation.  FFS at my age I am not interested in playing stupid games with people anymore.  Either people can be straight up or they can head out.  Life is too short for this nonsense and I want no part in it.  Also finally going to join this group in my town where women can meet up with each other and find new friends.  I seriously need people in my life that have similar interests. 

[Leonor]

Hi Pepin,

I'm glad to hear you extended an invitation to your friend to meet somewhere and share your sense that she is distant lately, and to ask if there is anything to clear up in your friendship.

But if you go in thinking, "I've had it with the stupid games people play," your energy will be aggressive and your friend's energy will respond with defensiveness. Who wants to be sandbagged at a coffee date with an accusation?

Here's the thing: do you like this person? Do you enjoy spending time together? What things do you like to do together? Can you go from there, instead of the friendship you wish you had with her or someone else?

I ask because we motherless daughters are left so parched for relationship with females that we invest in any other female friendship so much emotion, hopes, demands. We want a soul sister. A summer beach read bond. A Gayle to our Oprah. It's like we can make up for that gaping mommy void by stuffing it full of female friend, and then when it's not a perfect fit, we feel that same abandonment grief.


I think it's great that you're joining clubs to meet new people! What do you like to do? What's your hobby, passion, pastime?  You deserve to enjoy yourself and spend time with people enjoying themselves, too.

Beat of luck with your friend and have fun!

[Pepin]

But if you go in thinking, "I've had it with the stupid games people play," your energy will be aggressive and your friend's energy will respond with defensiveness. Who wants to be sandbagged at a coffee date with an accusation?

I would never show up this way with my friend.  That was only for my reply here and to psyche myself up.  I'm an introvert and the thoughts inside my head generally don't reflect what I present on the outside.

Here's the thing: do you like this person? Do you enjoy spending time together? What things do you like to do together? Can you go from there, instead of the friendship you wish you had with her or someone else?

I ask because we motherless daughters are left so parched for relationship with females that we invest in any other female friendship so much emotion, hopes, demands. We want a soul sister. A summer beach read bond. A Gayle to our Oprah. It's like we can make up for that gaping mommy void by stuffing it full of female friend, and then when it's not a perfect fit, we feel that same abandonment grief.

Actually, I think that this is the issue - that I wanted her to be what I know she cannot.  And yeah, for what it is worth, of course I'm grappling with some abandonment issues with this particular friend and I'm sensing that I don't have the energy like I used to.  Quite frankly, I am embarrassed for myself that I have struggled to have a wider network of friends so that I didn't put all my eggs in one basket per se.  But, that's just kind of the way things happened over time.  I was so busy surviving my home life with DH, the kids and MIL that I just couldn't do any more than that.  I didn't want to invite others into my circle to see what I was dealing with behind closed doors.  It was like the fewer people that know of my situation and my life, the better.  And that is how I survived.  I kept a terribly low profile.  I've perfected blending in in plain sight.  People know of me but they have nothing on me.  I Just could not handle answering inquiries about why my life is the way that it is....it was too painful. 

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Pepin,

I want to say that the advice here from others is what I was thinking as well. Leonor's recent post really identifies some important questions to ask ourselves about people who have pulled away. Do we still like them? Or are we mostly hurt about their pulling away?

Depending on the dynamic you have with her, then a conversation about your friendship might be possible, or it might not be something she is interested in having with you. I've seen mostly the latter - the person is doing a slow fade and they do not want to talk about the friendship. Period. Nothing we can really do about that. We can't make them talk about their friendship with us if they don't want to.

There are people who age, and they do not want close bonds with others. They don't want intimacy - they don't want to be involved in our kid's graduations or other celebrations in our lives. They stay at the edge, outside of those events. And when we run into those folks, and we have early experiences with abandonment, then I think this is where so much pain can come up. I can certainly relate. 

If you get the sense that she has been doing the "slow fade" with you, of course feeling hurt is very understandable.

Trees