PD mother keeps shaming me in her WhatsApp status

[sweet1987]

Just want to vent reslly.
I feel like I have no one to talk to. And don't want to keep offloading it all onto my partner.
I just feel stuck in how to move forward with my Udpd mum, it's like she thinks she isn't doing anything wrong and that I'm holding onto he past. But it's not holding onto the past when she still has similar traits in the present.
I've never outright said to her I think you have narcissistic traits  due to not wanting to hurt her feelings and also out of fear of her reaction. Instead I try to keep some distance. But feel so guilty. Anyway everytime she decided to make something out of anything, bombarding me with manipulative messages, shaming me, she then updates her WhatsApp status, saying indirectly that my child is gonna treat me bad because she think I'm treating her bad. And if I don't let the past go I will suffer in the future with my own child. It's all indirect. That's my point actually. Sorry it's all over the place. She keeps making all these subtle digs at me indirectly and I don't know it I'm meant to respond to them or just ignore them. I choose to ignore as I don't want to entertain it. But then the next day she is writing all these night messages. Telling me she me chocolates in the post. I just feel like I'm being fake. Idk if this makes sense. Just feel fed up. Any who gonna rethink my boundaries and just focus on me. 

[bloomie]

sweet1987 - the thing about having been raised by an untrustworthy parent is we are groomed to "know" what they are actually saying or wanting when they refuse to be clear or straightforward. All of the alarm bells and confusion you describe feeling stem from having an adult parent who does not communicate in a clear and truthful way, I have found. It's all insinuations, all deniable when directly confronted, and if we are not careful, can be a dark cloud of angst over our lives.

It is a pattern something like described in this article: push/pull

It is covertly manipulative. But, only if we give over to it. If she can't say it outright and have a mutually respectful, face to face conversation about her grievances you are SO WISE to not engage. It's her stuff.

With the disordered family members in my life I have observed that my quietly pulling away, or living in a perpetual state of MC with them seems to create emotional distress in them. Instead of talking to me about it and owning their part in the cooling of the relationship and contact, often they attempt to move their emotional discomfort onto me by these kinds of covert, passive aggressive behaviors you describe with your mom. And when that doesn't work they move on to other manipulative, attention seeking, covertly provocative tactics.

I am learning to refuse to feel all the feelings and take on their stuff and respond from fear, obligation, or guilt to even a whiff of their displeasure or unhappiness like I was trained to do.

If your mom is unhappy with the current state your contact and relationship with her she can do what loving people do all across the world and talk with you about it and own her part. You don't have to live in a state of constantly trying to read the tea leaves with a person who may expect that you will make it all better for them at your own expense.

Your instincts are right on. Stay strong in this and protect your peace and your health! 

[moglow]

it's like she thinks she isn't doing anything wrong and that I'm holding onto he past. But it's not holding onto the past when she still has similar traits in the present.

Going out on a limb here based on experience with mine - SHE can and does bring up "the past" at her whim [and as her as the victim] but the instant you voice your own you're the bad guy. Fine. Maybe tell her  we need to agree to disagree and leave all that there." But know too that the instant you suggest *she never changed and still treats you the same* she's gonna blow and dredge all her stuff up again. Honestly? Let her blow. It is what it is, and until she changes the way she treats you, this situation isn't going to change. Dumping all her stuff on you over and over serves no one.

NOBODY is all good or all bad. EVERYBODY has bad days, tough times. We're all many shades of gray and it's going to vary. It's entirely possible for normal functioning people to not like things about another and as a result not want to discuss certain things with that person, that doesn't mean we have to write them off! Agree to disagree and move on already, is what I've said. BUT at that point, we have to stop entertaining "that/those" subject. Don't acknowledge it when she brings it up for the umpteenth time. Don't offer a new viewpoint. Don't get emotional or upset when she twists it [yet again?]. "Well." ""hmmm" "I see." Non committal. Unemotional. Dull. Boring. Don't make it worth her while. And change the subject. She persists? Feel free to end the call - you're in the middle of dinner or need to take the dog out or simply need to go, we'll talk soon BYYYYYYEEEE!"

I've been at this a while and honestly it's just now really sinking in with me - you have to stick up and do right for yourself. That doesn't mean taking on every battle she throws at you, it can [and does] also mean refusing to go there yet again. Those circular conversations do nothing but stir up poop that just needs to die already.

"As long as we keep doing what we're doing, we keep getting what we're getting." Change it up - not because of or to punish her, but for YOU. This is YOUR life too, ya know.

[moglow]

And btw, don't address her status updates in any way shape or form. She can't shame you if you refuse to take it on and make it yours. She's pushing for a reaction, that doesn't mean you have to jump into it. If she asks if you saw it, Yes I saw it. Then change the subject to something ANYthing pleasant, funny, kind, etc. If she persists, you have things to do gotta go now byyyyeee!

Don't entertain the ugliness!

[Liketheducks]

Moglow, I love your suggestion to ignore the status updates.   So hard to do, particularly given we're hard wired to look toward our mom's for unconditional love.   We have to be SO strategic and transactional while dealing with narc traits.

[moglow]

It is hard, and all those societal messages make it worse. Know what we can do? Block, filter, delete those annoying apps and/or their updates. These days I'd do it and never say a word (granted it was a process and took me while to get to this place) She asks about it later? Oh, I updated my phone and deleted a bunch of apps I don't use anymore. Immediately change the subject to innocuous or funny you saw/read/heard the other day. She persists? Gosh look at the time! Need to go, we'll talk later byeeeee! Light, breezy, no big deal. Mom can figure it out on her own. 

[nanotech]

sweet1987 - the thing about having been raised by an untrustworthy parent is we are groomed to "know" what they are actually saying or wanting when they refuse to be clear or straightforward. All of the alarm bells and confusion you describe feeling stem from having an adult parent who does not communicate in a clear and truthful way, I have found. It's all insinuations, all deniable when directly confronted, and if we are not careful, can be a dark cloud of angst over our lives.

It is a pattern something like described in this article: push/pull

It is covertly manipulative. But, only if we give over to it. If she can't say it outright and have a mutually respectful, face to face conversation about her grievances you are SO WISE to not engage. It's her stuff.

With the disordered family members in my life I have observed that my quietly pulling away, or living in a perpetual state of MC with them seems to create emotional distress in them. Instead of talking to me about it and owning their part in the cooling of the relationship and contact, often they attempt to move their emotional discomfort onto me by these kinds of covert, passive aggressive behaviors you describe with your mom. And when that doesn't work they move on to other manipulative, attention seeking, covertly provocative tactics.

I am learning to refuse to feel all the feelings and take on their stuff and respond from fear, obligation, or guilt to even a whiff of their displeasure or unhappiness like I was trained to do.

If your mom is unhappy with the current state your contact and relationship with her she can do what loving people do all across the world and talk with you about it and own her part. You don't have to live in a state of constantly trying to read the tea leaves with a person who may expect that you will make it all better for them at your own expense.

Your instincts are right on. Stay strong in this and protect your peace and your health! 

My FOO were upset that I dropped the rope and just stopped responding in terms of guilt and obligation. They then upped the fear buttons for a while! Na ah. They got zilch.
They message us in code and give commands. Passive aggressive is their middle name. Gaslighting? Hell yeah!  They will do it until we stop responding. They will carry on doing it for a long time afterwards as well. But the medium chill/ low or no contact does begin to work. It really does!
I've been lucky in that my parents were really too elderly to involve themselves much in social media. For me it's been the siblings and sometimes other family members.
If you are going to stay on social media with her, then I'd advise to just restrict your communications. I know it's hard, but try not to care what her status updates say. Or if you do read them, don't interpret or respond to them in terms of any past family dynamics ( the push/ pull).
With me, I was expected to fix problems and then be the scapegoat for all the emotion the problem had created.
PD families tend to not be able to manage their emotions and they get offloaded onto one ( healthy) family member who is meant to carry and deal with them all!

As Bloomie says, learn to refuse to take on the feelings. They must learn to deal with them themselves. They do, eventually. I'm low to no contact with them, which works for me. They don't like it but they have realised that this is it from now on. I don't care what they think of me. It's very very freeing when you reach that point.

[olivegirl]

Hi Sweet,

My malignant Pd mom will utter the very same thing: "if I don't let the past go, I will suffer the very same thing with my child."

When she says this to me, it feels like a threat if I impose any boundaries.

Additionally, it definitely feels like my mother is trying to avoid accountability and is promising that I will experience great harm with my child turning on me.

It definitely feels very hostile to me when she expresses those exact words to me.

In my case, I don't appreciate my mother's tone.  My relationship with my child is none of her business. 

My mother has issued many veiled digs at me.  I have grown to be desensitized to it but I realized how toxic it is for a mother to growl "I will destroy you!" on a phone message.  Clearly, in my case, my mother seeks to dominate me and will just as quickly change her personality and start love-bombing me, making my head spin. 

I finally came to a realization that my standing up to my mother only fuels her combativeness.  I find it draining.  She lives for it.  When I ignore my mother's digs, she views me as weak and the nasty threats escalate. 

So I went No Contact.  I disengage completely.  I dropped the rope.  She has reacted by calling me a "coward" on voicemail, clearly disturbed that I will not take part in her negativity, and I am secure in myself enough to not take the bait.

I just had to get off the rollercoaster.  I was feeling like she was slowly poisoning me and she needs access to me in order to feel satiated.  Slowly but surely, I started to break the trauma bond and I am finding myself to be less confused and with the help of this forum, stronger and healthier.

Sending you hugs!

[InvisibleDaughter]

I decided to share with my NPD Mom that a therapist I was seeing told me she's narcissistic and I'm suffering from complex PTSD because of it.

She was so mad, like to her core. She became verbally and emotionally abusive. She told me I was ungrateful and spoiled, etc. Don't worry about a narcissist feeling bad, they jump straight to anger and start blaming you.

I thought telling her would help mend our relationship. It broke what was already fractured.

There can be times when they are nice, but it's an act. Once you're back on better terms they pull the rug out again.

I'm not sure how old you or your Mom are, but I think they get nastier the older they are.

I'm sending you a hug, because I completely understand.