Hi :) advice needed for breaking contact

[miffyxo]

Hi

Firstly I wanted to say thank you for accepting me into the community and having such a great resource. I hope you don't mind me including a bit about my situation below and asking for some help in my first steps making no contact with my parents.

For some years now I've had a rocky relationship with both parents. I was a victim of abuse as a child from my mum. she used to give emotional and physical abuse when my dad was at work from an early age, then deny it to him when he got home and he wasn't interested in hearing what I told him as she said I was lying and he just accepted it.

I have quite a distant relationship with them, I moved to a different city five years ago and created some boundaries like only seeing them a few times a year and having occasional phone calls. I wanted to keep some relationship in place, and the abuse seemed to lesson when I moved out and was an adult and suddenly they were happy and acting "normal". In this time the physical and mental abuse changed to them talking about themselves, their new hobbies and accomplishments. It's been tiring having them only talk about themselves but at least I could give myself some space when I needed it. But the final straw was I told them two weeks ago I got engaged.

They called me and I was really excited thinking they were calling to congratulate me but instead they didn't mention the engagement at all and only talked about themselves. When it came up my dad joked he'd told my fiance to reconsider when he asked him for my hand in marriage.

I was upset and put in more distance with them hoping they'd say something about my engagement. Nothing came, just streams of texts about themselves. Then my fiance mentioned his parents were putting money towards the wedding. I asked if mine would be. Not the best idea I know but some part of me hoped they'd show at least some care, even if it was only money - they have a second house so money isn't really an issue for them. They told me I was a money grabber and only contact them when asking for money (not true) and they'd told all their friends this. They said I should get married in a registration office for a tenner, because that's what they had in their day and why do I deserve all these nice things like a car and holiday, and asked me how much my recent holiday had cost me. Then my mum sent me lots of racist abuse about my fiancés mum who's done nothing but look after us (she's Chinese and they sent some horrible nonsense, my fiancés mum is very kind). Then came the phone call and my mum got into her usual screaming down the phone at me, telling me my fiancés going to cheat on me and that she hates our dog, that she always knew I'd leave her and she's just going to remarry if my dad passes away. I told her I was maintaining distance because of the abuse when I was younger (this comes up every few years in an argument, I think I always want her to apologise deep down). She told me I was lying and she did everything for me, cooked for me and took me to a good school and I have a career now because of her. My dad then came on the phone and asked me "why I'd set her off" and that this stuff is all in the past and why bring it up again. When it became clear they wouldn't admit to any of it I told them I wouldn't be speaking to them again and ended the call. I blocked them on everything.

Now comes the guilt. I feel bad that my dad is elderly and he won't be the one to walk me down the aisle and I'm likely never to see him again and he might pass away without me making amends. I'm not sure what to do, but I feel like he's enabled her all these years and his response to me getting engaged suggests he doesn't even care at all. At the same time there's no way to speak to him without speaking to her. Cutting contact with my mum is easy and I have no regrets, which I also feel guilty about - because I know without my dad she'll struggle to look after herself. I'm also scared how she'll react, especially if one day she doesn't have my dad.

I'm due to start therapy next week and also feel like I'm looking forward to having only those close to me like my friends and my fiancé and his friends and family at the wedding. I have a good close circle of friends and I have a career and volunteer with animals in my spare time so it's not all bad, I just feel like I need to talk about what's happened and work out how it's affected me.

Hope everyone is doing as well as they can and finding things that they look forward to too now they're recovering x

[Starboard Song]

Oh dear. Thank you for sharing.

My wife and I are pushing 8 years NC from her parents. It is a hard and terrible decision to be forced to. I encourage you to attempt to maintain a thread of communications with your father, at least at first. He is likely in his own trap, and your continued outreach may prove valuable by and by.

I'll let other folks chime in with their thoughts, but welcome to Out of the FOG. We do understand how hard this is.

Be good. Be strong.

[SonofThunder]

Hello miffyxo,

Another warm welcome here to Out of the FOG.  I'm sorry to read of all the verbal abuse, manipulation, gaslighting and so on.  I will second Starboard's comment that your father may be in his own trap.  Although you wrote: 

"...he wasn't interested in hearing what I told him as she said I was lying and he just accepted it."

"...my dad joked he'd told my fiance to reconsider when he asked him for my hand in marriage."

"...dad then came on the phone and asked me "why I'd set her off" and that this stuff is all in the past and why bring it up again."

As much as your father may be an additional victim of your mother's abuse, he has also allowed himself to be very mean toward you. In my opinion (imo), its one thing for me to be the victim of a PD and then another altogether to allow myself to abuse others for whatever self-serving reason it may be done. Either way you are the victim of both of their verbal abuse behaviors. 

As a father of two adult married children myself, I will add that I would have given stern constructive feedback to my adult children if they had approached me with a mindset of "..even if it was only money - they have a second house so money isn't really an issue for them". In my opinion, people who have either worked hard/smart and/or saved hard/smart, wisely make money an 'issue'; meaning they manage and care for money well.

Managing anything takes proactive effort...money, attitude or communication to others. I wish your parents managed their words and actions toward you as well as they may have managed their money. In addition, I also have a second home and acquiring it took a great deal of hard/smart work and diligent savings by me. Investing in a wedding may be a tradition for parents to engage upon, but not a requirement imo.  I am of the opinion that all adult individuals should manage their own expenses and decide accordingly, based on their own financials, not based on the finances of other adults. Anything they may receive from another adult is a gift and not expected. 

Therefore, I can surely understand Starboard's encouragement toward communication with your father, if you believe his verbal abrasion to you is try and keep some peace with his wife, but at the same time, verbally tearing down another person to serve my own needs (whatever they are) is a trait of a PD regardless of whether they are a PD or not; my experience is the same.  So imo, both parent have justifiably earned the right, over time, to not speak to you should that be your decision (regardless of their age).

Speaking of traits, if you need some terminology for the traits you experience, head to the Personality Disorders tab at the top of the page and then also slide right one to the Toolbox tab to discover the tools and tips to in which to practice for improved self protection.

Again, welcome to Out of the FOG and see you around the boards,

SoT

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi miffy, and welcome. You are in the right place. Lots of us have similar stories to yours. Myself included, definitely.

NC certainly doesn't have to be forever. But it seems to me as though you've tried and tried to have a relationship and they have continually let you down, in big ways.

About your dad... Contact with him may prove valuable for whom, Starboard? For him? I respectfully disagree. If he's in his own trap it's because he's chosen to stay there, to his daughter's harm. Your dad may be the "better" parent. But dismissing your claims in favor of your abusive mother, every time, is likewise abusive. You express sadness of him not walking you down the aisle. Understandable! But if he joking-not-joking told him to reconsider asking you to marry him, well that's just awful. And there's plenty more where that came from I'm sure. There's a done of built-up damage that brought you to where you are today. Sure it would be awful if he passed away with your relationship in the state it's in today. But who is the one who needs to be making amends here? You're sorry you just couldn't keep taking it any more?

I'm coming on strong so I should probably share a little of my own background for context. I'm NC with my own parents for five years now. My dad was the alpha narcissist and my mom the enabler, but your parents' wedding shenanigans really rang a bell for me. My father unfortunately did walk me down the aisle. I didn't want him to. It wasn't entirely personal, I figured my future husband and I made the decision to be married together, without them, so we should come in together. But what would other people think?!? I gave in. On my wedding day my asshole father tenderly turned to me after the bridesmaids went in and said, "You don't have to go through with this, you know." And then he subtly TRIPPED ME halfway down the aisle. You can see the smirk on the video.

Your parents seem cut from the same cloth. They would not let you have your special day without tons of drama and invalidation. Their behavior is appalling. I think you are absolutely right to cut them both right out of your wedding. You are saving yourself and your fiancé so much grief. I'm so glad you are looking forward to celebrating with only those who love you. If your parents aren't going to be invited to your wedding, and they don't care about it anyway, I think you are simply acknowledging the reality of the relationship and taking good care of yourself by taking a break from it all. They are reaping what they have sown. Death is a given for all of us. So if you want to be happy with loved ones around you as you go, maybe you should, you know, love them!

As to your mother, she has always looked out for herself no problem. She's told you that if dad passes she'll just find another victim/husband to fill his shoes. Okay then. You aren't responsible to your lifelong abuser. She has a backup plan good luck to her.

I'm so glad to hear you are starting therapy to help you sort through and grieve all of this. I wish you every happiness in your marriage, and look forward to seeing you around here!

[moglow]

I told her I was maintaining distance because of the abuse when I was younger...

I beg to differ: you're maintaining distance because of their abuse. Period. Fixed it for you, you're welcome.

Then there's this:

They told me I was a money grabber and only contact them when asking for money (not true) and they'd told all their friends this.... why do I deserve all these nice things like a car and holiday, and asked me how much my recent holiday had cost me. Then my mum sent me lots of racist abuse about my fiancés mum who's done nothing but look after us (she's Chinese and they sent some horrible nonsense, my fiancés mum is very kind). Then came the phone call and my mum got into her usual screaming down the phone at me, telling me my fiancés going to cheat on me and that she hates our dog, that she always knew I'd leave her and she's just going to remarry if my dad passes away.

None of that sounds like "just about money" to me. That sounds like bitterness and spite and possibly even jealousy. She is who she is, but let's not sugar coat it. Dad's also an adult, perhaps picking what he sees as lesser of two evils by appearing to "side with" his wife, go along to get along. No one should have to choose between parents but it's a sad fact that far too many demand just that.

At the end of the day, you can gracefully stroll or waltz down that aisle by yourself. Or perhaps with your best friend(s) at your side. It's your wedding day, to be celebrated and not picked apart or tiptoed through.

[miffyxo]

Thank you all for your kind and well thought out responses, it's so nice to be able to talk about it here. Cordelia your reply particularly resonated with me, your situation sounds a lot like mine is. I'm so sorry that your father tried to ruin your special day. I hope you managed to have a good time despite this and take comfort in the fact your parents can't hurt you any more. I'm going to stick to my plan of no contact, at least until the wedding's happened. It's going to be hard because even though I blocked them on everything (phone, Facebook, Instagram and email) my mum is forwarding all communication on email which I've had to automatically set to go straight to the recycle bin. I realise no contact will be harder than I think but I won't be responding and keeping all details of the wedding away from them. But thank you for all your replies and I'm really sorry a lot of you have experienced the same situations