I hate talking to her

[MIB]

Hi friends,

My "mother" Is an undiagnosed PD. My father, likely PD himself but definitely an enabler, died about 2 years ago. He was her world. She has *very* few friends because she truly doesn't know how to be one.

I'm an only child who was (happily) vvvvvvLC before he died. Since then I've been a bit more in contact - heavily hands on when he died but progressively less. I now (reluctantly) talk to her once a month-ish, and when we do, she says the same stuff over and over, talks incessantly with no interest whatsoever when I try to get a word in edgewise. It's soul sucking. And for the record, it's not due to age - she's always been that way...Self centred.

She was complaining this weekend about the terrible family she has that no one ever calls her. While our family does kinda stink (surprise!), she never stops to think about why that might be. Zero introspection whatsoever.

Any tips for making it less painful? Sometimes I do it when my kids are around and her behaviour is better. I just always end up feeling pissed off, and want to spare myself this.

Thanks very much,
MIB

[notrightinthehead]

I reckon you are willing to give your mother some time and want to protect yourself at the same time. I have no advice for you. From birth I was trained to be a listener and I have spent far too many hours listening to self centered people, who chew my ear off with their boring pet topic. I used to doodle when I was chained with a cord to the phone. Now with the hands free, I do household chores or walk the dogs. In a way, like in my childhood, I still go into freeze/fawn response when faced with another monologue. And the family members have now been replaced by acquaintances. They find me, because of my previous training. At least now I set myself a time limit. I decide how much time to gift that person and then finish the call religiously after the given time slot. I know I cannot change anybody so I use medium chill, mirroring, and all the kindness I can muster for usually 20 minutes , then I have to go. Bye!

[sunshine702]

I pick up dog poop in the backyard as I have to call.  It feels so fitting so it helps me mentally - and it's a chore that needs to get done for a nice life on my end.

I am very resentful when I was still in the Fear Obligation and Guilt of It's your mother....of listeing endlessly how WONDERFUL golden grandchild was.  It was creepy!!!

Medium chill topics. The weather random news stuff. I talk about my dogs because I know it bores her. 

Get a bingo card of topics for yes and no.  Have it in front of you.  Set a timer. 

[Liketheducks]

I hear you.   I get the "you need to know about this inheritable health thing I'm dealing with now"....which is always a lifestyle health thing.   I don't hate talking with her, but it is sometimes difficult.   It feels like she saves up all the doom and gloom.   

[MIB]

Thank you for the replies and counsel. It's nice to know I'm not alone 😊

Notrightinthehead, your 20mins and bye is a great idea.

Sunshine702 I think I need to prepare more diligently for these calls and you've given some great ideas (plus the dog poop comment made me laugh). Have a list of bland topics, 20 min timer and an exit excuse ready to go.

It's a shame that a conversation with one's mothers requires so much forethought, but it is what it is, and it ain't gonna change unless I do something about it.

[moglow]

Child please. If I had a nickel for every one of those calls what I couldn't do ... Lord have mercy NO! We do NOT need to discuss/snark at [everybody else's personal and private business they were stupid enough to tell you] yet.again. For many years I got the dead and dying report every time - you know, who's in hospital or was just diagnosed with which dread disease. Not in an OMG what can we do to gear up and help?? kind of way but in a snarky gleeful "they got what they had coming" way. She'd mess and gom down into and insist on sharing the gory details then get upset that I a) didn't join in and b) expressed concern [or alternately hoped positive outcomes] for them and family.

Now all her foo is gone, she's widowed and retired, at home and isolated. No hobbies or activities of which I'm aware. None of us are foolish enough to share our own stuff anymore, so we hear on and on and ON about HER aches pains and illnesses. It's all she's got and she is patently uninterested in others, most particularly her own family so ...

Set a timer, whether internal or audible. For what it's worth, don't call when you're tired, sick, hungry, angry or anything else other than rested and relaxed. If she's like mine she'll drag you down further and beat you over the head with it while you're there. If she comments that you don't sound well, Nope! All is well here, just have a lot going on these days. End the call with "well I need to get this dinner on the table" or "laundry is calling", bland mundane, We'll talk soon byyyyyeee!

There's an old thread around here somewhere about our bingo cards, what was coming and when you hit BINGO and knew it was over. Always worth a read!

[Cat of the Canals]

Another vote for setting a timer. It's made a world of difference for me. I feel like it also conditioned my mother (without her realizing it) to format her calls to be shorter. Before, she could go on and on for an hour or more. Now she often seems to peter out right around the time the timer is about to go off.

Also, if there are certain things she talks about that really bother you, or she calls and she's really in a mood, screw the timer and end the call then.

[moglow]

Also, if there are certain things she talks about that really bother you, or she calls and she's really in a mood, screw the timer and end the call then.

YES! Or if you answer and she launches something that is forevermore none of her damn business. Gotta go, the dog's on fire again! BYE! and hang up. Screw the pleasantries.

[monamurre]

I am from a really small town and my mom used to save the weekly paper so when I called she could tell me who had been arrested for this or that petty crime.....it was bizarre.

I agree with setting a timer. I got to a point where I could call my mom a short time before we had to be somewhere so I could then tell her, "got to go...time to take my daughter to the (fill in the blank)" It didn't make the conversation any funner, just shorter.

[Fiasco]

I go for a long walk through the local park when I call my mom. It's keeps my blood pressure low enough that my head doesn't shoot off like a rocket. And when I get home I'm like GOTTA GO BYE.

[Cat of the Canals]

I am from a really small town and my mom used to save the weekly paper so when I called she could tell me who had been arrested for this or that petty crime.....it was bizarre.

I don't think my MIL even bothers saving the paper. She commits it all to memory. A large percentage of my husband's monthly phone call with her is, "Do you know Suzie So-and-so? She got arrested for a DUI!"

[sunshine702]

I recently sent a picture of my birthday hike with my beloved dogs.  And all I get is HOPE YOU WORE A SUN HAT.

I did wear sunscreen and the hike was in a mostly shaded canyon.  Uhug.  It was really upsets  me  she can't be JUST happy for me.  Would it kill you to say that looks fun!! 

It was a fun day.  We all had a great time.  It was exactly what I wanted for my birthday.

Sun hat......

Sound familiar? 

Yes it does kill her to just be happy for me.  Which is why I also HATE talking to her.  If good she will find some way to snipe and bad she will find some way not to truly empathize or make it my fault. 

Or even one more.  Not listen to me AT ALL.  One time she asked how many dogs I had again?  It was really shocking as people I have met once at work know I have two dogs and here she was basically admitting she did not know.....

[MIB]

I recently sent a picture of my birthday hike with my beloved dogs.  And all I get is HOPE YOU WORE A SUN HAT.

I did wear sunscreen and the hike was in a mostly shaded canyon.  Uhug.  It was really upsets  me  she can't be JUST happy for me.  Would it kill you to say that looks fun!! 

It was a fun day.  We all had a great time.  It was exactly what I wanted for my birthday.

Sun hat......

Sound familiar? 

..

Sure does, sunshine702!

My husband, kids and I recently went to the Dominican. First time out of country in 3 years.

I called her the weekend we got back. She knew we were away. She talked about herself for approx 50 mins straight, until I said, "yeah, so we went on vacation..,".

Know what she replied?

"Oh I was just going to ask you about that..." (uh huh ) "...Is Jamesie feeling okay?"

My son threw up two nights before we came home. That's THE ONLY question she asked me. And truly, I don't think it's because she really cares (she does absolutely nothing for my kids), but instead she wanted to ask about something negative.

Then she changed the subject back to her. God forbid she put her jealousy aside and take an interest in others.

So I hear you. Loud and clear. There's a good reason why we hate talking to them.

[olivegirl]

I too hated talking to my mother.

I tried everything: gray rocking, keeping phone calls short, information diet.

My heartbeat would race and I felt such dread.

I soon realized that the negative stories about family members were completely false!!

In order to bait me, she would speak so horribly about relatives and delight in their tragedies and her stories became bolder and it was undeniable that they were all lies.

That is how desperate she is for supply and it was like drinking poison.

So I just listened to myself and blocked her one day, just because I could.

My life has never been better.  The peace!  Why was I putting myself through that?  Because I was in the fog I suppose.

[sunshine702]

The asking about the one negative thing.  Omg yes!!  So we are putting a manufactured house on my husband's family land.  It is huge process!  Years of next steps.  Every time she asks it is WHEn WILL YOU MOVE INTO YOU NEW HOUSE?  Because she KNOWS we have ZERO idea!!!  i am pretty strong.  We are not anxious about it but HOW RUDE!!!

[MIB]

Sunshine702 I totally feel you. The most difficult part (for me anyway) is that I know she doesn't really care nor would she offer to help me in any way.

[daughter]

When I was still doing these calls, I set myself limits for ME:

1) safe benign topics

2) 15-minute time limit

3) Redirect conversation back to safe topics; don't respond to provocation or complaints

4) let her ramble-on about people that you don't know, blah, blah, blah, until time runs out - "sorry, need to go, another call waiting".

I was doing this 3 times a week, when expectation was daily calls and weekly visit. Still was too much. Very hostile npdmom.

[InvisibleDaughter]

I describe interactions with my NPD Mom as if she sucks the air out of the room, it's draining.

It's hard to have a relationship with someone who doesn't show care and concern for you.

[UnNegated]

talks incessantly with no interest whatsoever when I try to get a word in edgewise

This is so relatable.  It can make you feel invisible.  I often count the times in conversations when my UDNM takes a statement I have made about myself and my life and immediately responds by talking about herself as though what I said literally doesn't exist.

You exist.  Your life exists.  It matters.

[sunshine702]

I describe interactions with my NPD Mom as if she sucks the air out of the room, it's draining.

It's hard to have a relationship with someone who doesn't show care and concern for you.

I think that is the hardest part.  To truly wrap your head around "She doesn't care".  I could tell her - The grocery store app upset me the other day as it never seems to work right or goodness I like snuggling my doggies after my overnight shift.  Negative or positive — she just doesn't care.  My own mom really doesn't care.