Confidence issues

[miffyxo]

Hi

Forgive me for posting so much in my first few days on the forum, I'm finding it insanely helpful in understanding myself better and recovering after going no contact last week with my physically and emotionally abusive mum and my dad who enabled her.

It's got me thinking a lot recently about some of my confidence issues and wondering if it's related to the way my parents treated me when I was younger.

When I was a teenager I wasn't allowed out a lot, friends would call the house and beg my parents to let me go out and my parents always made excuses. I don't remember going out much at all other than every few months (other than school). When I asked my mum if I could see a friend at the weekend or after school she would say no and if I argued she would scream at me. This happened probably from the age of about 11 to 16. I can't remember much before that except I was allowed to play out down the road and went to friends birthday parties. But I do remember very clearly being a teenager and not allowed to see friends. If I did she would give me strict times to be back home. I used books and drawing and retreated into an imaginary world.

During my whole childhood she would have what she called "mummy days" where she'd keep me off school and take me out to McDonald's or on a day trip.

When I went to college age 16 I was allowed to hang out with friends, but I'm not sure if it was more because I wasn't small any more and I don't think my mum felt she could control me as much - I used to just tell her I was going out and that was it. When I went on nights out there would always have to be a time I had to be back and my mum would shout and scream at me if I was late, and sometimes even if I said I was going out.

When I brought this up with her when I was older she told me I was a poorly child and she was doing her best to protect me (I was in hospital quite a lot as a kid because I was a bit small for my age and got colds and other illnesses a lot). She tells me my illness made her suicidal. As an adult im pretty healthy, I go to the gym, eat lots of protein and stick to a gluten free diet which seemed to sort me out (anyway...) 

As an adult I find I'm always clock watching, I try to make sure I'm not back home too late and my friends joke sometimes "what will you do, turn into a pumpkin?" But I keep worrying I'll be tired the next day, not perform well in a task and lose things I love. I'm also painfully shy around new people and always assume they'll think the worst of me. Sometimes I also dissociate from conversations and find myself thinking about something else. Sometimes I find I have to force confidence and I have very low self esteem. It makes me wonder if all this is because of how my parents didn't let me out and made me feel damaged and broken.

How can I recover and become more free spirited/not worry about time so much and become more confident and not assume people won't even like me before I even speak to them?

[moglow]

It makes sense that after years of being told we're "less than" by our parents, we come to believe it. We think we're lacking, that we're incapable, and for me at least often wouldn't even try. It wasn't worth the effort only for her to have a meltdown over the mere idea or heaven forbid I tried and failed. The shitstorm of shame and ridicule that would fall down! That very much carried over into adulthood until I realized that not only could she do *nothing* about my life but I'd never learn if I never tried. Yes, I failed plenty of times but I also learned how to dust off, regroup and what to do next time.

And OMG the inconvenience [for her] when any of us were sick! Kids GET sick, they pass around every germ and all its friends. They also have immune systems and a whole lot of stuff sorts itself. Mother took every illness as a personal affront. There was no comfort, no compassion, no snuggles to help a person feel better. She snarled through that just like everything else, like you'd done it to her somehow. To this day I'm a horrible patient [or maybe not]- just leave me alone. Don't ask me questions, don't look at me, don't touch me. I'll get through it and if I can't do something I'll ask for help. But that takes a LOT, so it's pretty bad if I actually ask!

How do you recover? Baby steps, just like with everything else. Sometimes we really do need to take a step back and admit: We're adults now. We're going to make mistakes and hopefully we're going to learn from them, do better going forward. The thing to remember mainly is, the world won't come to a crashing stop because you stay out late now and again, have that one drink too many, or someone doesn't reach back when you reach out. It helps me to remember that everyone has stuff that they hide or choose to not talk about, it makes mine much less scary. We all have insecurities and doubts on some level or another. Putting it in that context helps ease my mind so much!

To me, the point is to keep moving forward. We can look back and regret the past all we want, but at the end of the day we still can't change any of it. I lost so many todays looking back and crying over yesterdays. Look back and see where that didn't work, what can I do differently NOW?

That's all I've got for the morning. You've got this!!

[sunshine702]

I do a series of really looking at it as an adult and getting upset. 
I do something Dr Ramani suggested  I carry around a picture of me at 5 and try to reparent that kid.  This journey is both grief work for the damage done that you can see now and adult work for getting through the problems now.  Best of luck.

[monamurre]

Sorry that was your experience and that it is continuing to effect you into adulthood. I can relate to what you wrote quite a bit. Although the exact circumstances were different the negative messages about myself from parents were there.

I would suggest something along the lines of what sunshine702 wrote, doing some work reparenting your inner child or rewiring your brain to override the negative self-image that your parents inculcated. I've started with looking at core beliefs and getting really clear on which ones I am carrying around with me. There is a youtube video by Patrick Teahan about core beliefs that I found helpful, and a sort of homework assignment that I am trying out this month. I also agree with Moglow, don't get frustrated if this takes time, if there is forward and then backward movement. You are on the right track

[miffyxo]

Thank you all, I really appreciate your advise one week after cutting them out and not reading their messages and I'm feeling so much better and stronger already! Understanding why I have the struggles I've had helps so much to not blame myself if I make the odd communication mistake or have shut myself out for so long! Looking forward to a new start

[NotCryingGlitter]

the inconvenience [for her] when any of us were sick! Kids GET sick, they pass around every germ and all its friends. They also have immune systems and a whole lot of stuff sorts itself. Mother took every illness as a personal affront. There was no comfort, no compassion, no snuggles to help a person feel better. She snarled through that just like everything else, like you'd done it to her somehow. To this day I'm a horrible patient [or maybe not]- just leave me alone. Don't ask me questions, don't look at me, don't touch me. I'll get through it and if I can't do something I'll ask for help. But that takes a LOT, so it's pretty bad if I actually ask!

And I'm going to assume that she was the "worst patient" when she was sick, wanting every bit of assistance, servant work, and sympathy.