Facing up to the truth

[SaddleBagger]

Greetings and thanks for having me. I'm a middle-aged man, several years out of a toxic marriage that lasted over a decade. I've known for a very long time, since the start of our relationship, that there were serious problems with my ex but never knew what to call it. I had of course heard people calling their exes narcissist or borderline so when a girlfriend told me she thought my ex could be a narcissist I just rolled my eyes.
"Everybody calls their ex crazy, narcissist, etc." I thought. And as she's still the mother of my children I had no interest in disrespectful name-calling. I also knew I had my own problems and focusing on hers would slow me down from working on myself and I'm slow enough as it is. So, I didn't put much thought into it.

As the years have passed I have made positive changes in myself. I would say I am far better off now than I was 10 or even 15 years ago despite being a bit older. This past year has been especially challenging but I have also learned much more at a faster pace than previously. I fired a therapist and when I got a new one by the 4th or 5th session he's telling me it sounds like I was dealing with borderline. I had the same response as before, that these are labels people use to trash their exes, ignore their own problems and even if she was that it doesn't help me.

New therapist had me read several books. The 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life.
 I Hate You Don't Leave Me.
 And The Narcissist in Your Life.
These books and our subsequent conversations were revelations. Not only about my exe's personality but also aspects of my own and why I stayed in that relationship. It also revealed things I'd never considered about my family and the abuses that happened there. I went through what probably many people do, looking at different people and relationships through this newfound lens of PD.

What I've currently settled on is that my ex has strong traits of both BPD and NPD that are still impacting our family today. Many parts of these books were like my life written out by someone else. A strange feeling. I was also dismayed to see myself reflected in the books. The therapist assured me that I do not have a PD but I almost had myself convinced  Be that as it may I've now realized that I could also be difficult and manipulative in my way and that most of that traced back to deep insecurity or shame I was carrying. Maybe most surprisingly is what I realized about my family, in particular my grandmother, who was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. My grandfather was the primary target but we lived next door so had a front row seat to the daily rage fests she'd engage in. None of us were off limits though and I especially was both her golden child and if needed her scapegoat. My mother was overly passive and not once took a meaningful stand against her on my behalf. In fact I think she was hoping that I would protect and nurture her. Still untangling all that but suffice it to say it was dysfunctional while also loving and fun and I am now successful when I could have gone the route of addiction and early demise.

So, here I am. Looking here to get some insight from others, figure out what I can change in myself to be a better father and partner, how to better deal with my exe's difficult behaviors, and look at those family issues more clearly.

Thanks.

PS Actually went to visit Grandma not long ago for the first time in years. It was rewarding and I'm glad I was able to do that.

[bloomie]

SaddleBagger - Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG! Thank you for sharing a bit of your journey and the relationships that bring you here.

What worthy goals you have in your recovery and how humble to see that there are areas in your own life that you can better understand and strengthen for your own good and the good of those who love and depend upon you to be your best self.

This is a community filled with compassionate people who are fellow travelers. We will listen and support you as you engage and ask questions and share. You are welcome here and I look forward to hearing more of your story in the days to come!

[SonofThunder]

SaddleBagger,

Another warm welcome here to Out of the FOG! Great feedback already from Bloomie and user so Im just dropping in to say hello. Pull up a chair, kick off your hiking shoes and warm your toes around the fires of friendly discussion.  See you around the boards! 

SoT

[SaddleBagger]

Thank you for the warm welcome.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi SaddleBagger,

Welcome. Really glad you found us.

Reading your post, I thought about how I've wanted to share a video I watched that talks about how to heal and what some of the steps are. I posted a link to a Patrick Teahan video on healing from narc abuse in the "media resources" area.

Would love to hear what you think about it - I think it aligns with a lot of what you wrote in your welcome post here. Reading about narcissistic abuse was a revelation for me as well when I first found this info! Glad you are here.

Trees