Help me out, I have dirt in my eyes- Red Flags, new relationship, PD or NOT?

[Petite_Potatoe]

Some of you may know I have a dissociative disorder- so yes, I do need obvious things spelled out for my own protection.

I met this guy I'm seeing 2 months ago, and it's been such an intense connection that we are keeping track of the weeks because time and space seem to warp around us.

We have a lot of fun together, we connect super well, we do simple wholesome things, our first date lasted 3 days. I feel like I can tell him almost anything, and he listens and displays evidence of listening. He's clean, his life is in order, he has a house that's clean, he makes enough money to support and spoil me. Compared to the men I usually date, I feel like I'm stepping up my game- he's not crusty nasty ass man, he's like a clean cut one with family near-by and has only had 2 relationships in his WHOLE LIFE.

Last weekend he said something to me that made me uncomfortable, the emotion that was present was him being controlling of me. I didnt like this, and I said something very poignant about trauma child i felt calling out for help in the mess (super power of my diagnosis, i can sense and communicate with internal trauma kids). Usually when I call out that child, the defense mechanism surrounding it picks a fight with me. He didnt do that, instead he just cried and felt deeply, and told me how overwhelmed with emotion that response made him. He felt vunerable and disconnected and it wasnt good for him, but I was grateful he took the internalization route instead of the externalization route ((cause of my diagnosis, it's way worse for me when it's externalized))

This possessive and controlling aspect of himself showed again last night after an amazing weekend together. We are going to a camp out with a large group of friends in a few days and I dont want to bring booze-- but he doesnt want me asking for booze- extracting people of their booze for my own personal benefit bothers him, and feeling like he can't provide for his woman makes him feel inadequate. He even alluded to me being a 'beer hoe' while I know he meant it lightly and even jokingly, i REALLY dislike any form of name calling. I dont have a drinking problem- he drinks more than me!

It should be noted he is Chinese and grew up with a lot of sexism from that culture, he has older sisters who have resisted that sexism tooth and nail and right now in our relationship I feel like I can talk sense to him.

I made it super clear to him that I notice that possessive part of him, and that I dont deserve that kind of treatment (never cheated on anyone, heck i didnt date anyone for 6 months after my last relationship) and that I will not stand for it, and I will leave him over it.

He said he would work on it and was very serious about that, and was grateful he was told ahead of time.


But I'm over here just trying really hard to stop being abused and get real support going in my life--- but you know, time, memory, events and all that jazz is not clear cut for me due to my diagnosis and it's very confusing to be me.

I know possessive feelings can get dark and controlling very fast and this would be a red flag.
How many red flags are you suppose to see to leave?
How much of a break should I give him, what's the right amount of being understanding?

[escapingman]

Oh Petite, this is such a difficult one. I see red flags everywhere with everyone these days, but I started to try to trust myself. If someone do something once it's a one off, twice and its a habit. I would be going forward very carefully with the relationship after what you wrote, but I have no way to say he is bad or not in the long run.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[moglow]

Hello! None of us can tell you if he [or you] are PD or not. Behaviors can be concerning and someone not be remotely diagnosable - personality disorders are, after all, made up of perfectly normal understandable behaviors taken to an extreme. PDs are more consistent disruptive patterns of thinking, behavior, unstable relationships than a few trait here and there.

It never hurts to pay attention to how you feel with someone as well as how you are treated by them. Pay attention to their relationships with others, if emotions [whether affection, anger, depression, etc] are extreme or even unreasonable under the circumstances. And of course, your own too.

For me personally, three days for a first date is a red flag. That's a stranger and I don't want or need all of it at once. Heck, I don't consider it a relationship until MUCH later on! But again, that's me. It's early days for the two of you, where you're getting to know each other. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, now or never. Take your time, give him and you a chance. Note things that may be uncomfortable or concerning, talk about it where you can so no one goes sideways.

[Petite_Potatoe]

Pay attention to their relationships with others, if emotions [whether affection, anger, depression, etc] are extreme or even unreasonable under the circumstances. And of course, your own too.

This is super helpful, and something I can sink my teeth into! I get the emotional extremes and can sense that much easier than navigating words or monitoring behaviors

And yes, I'm not trying to remotely diagnose anyone & the terminology has been helpful cause 'toxic' is too umbrella of a term but "C-PTSD confusions" and "PD scares" tends to make my ability to discern potential abusers less at a complete loss-- but what you said has helped me flush this out.

"PD scares" is usually a term I use when someone does projective splitting onto me- like i talked to a friend about a Tarot read and this guy who wasnt even at our table just starts screaming at me. I was too busy caught up in noticing that he did the projective splitting process and not so much on the extreme emotions displayed as well. That is very helpful.

As I also do some kind of projective splitting- like to a horrible driver on the road. It's not that mechanism itself that makes it the "scary concerning" zone- it would be extreme emotions around the driver. And sure, some drivers really piss me off and maybe once every few years one is so bad I ruminate about them for the rest of the day-- but I dont pull over and freak out on them, or put myself in danger.

I can actually see a bit more on why my treatment has been heavier on the Post traumatic learning and less on the emotional landscape because of how abused and confusing my emotional landscape was growing up. I think you have brought me some form of clarity and this is the best words i can muster to illustrate the clarity you have offered me

[moglow]

Try to keep in mind that other people's stuff doesn't have to be ours, and we don't have to quantify it. Some things just have that ick factor and I know I want no part of it. I don't have to explain it or box it all up neatly for anyone, I just say no. Not for me, thank you.

Personally I think all of us at the wrong time and/or the wrong circumstances, display some pretty sketchy behavior. We're human and no one is perfect. Using your driving analogy, I pop off at other drivers [inside the safety of my own car!] just about every day. Do I endanger myself or others? No. Would I take it into any kind of actual confrontation territory? Also no. I regularly see aggressive near-road rage behavior that concerns me, but I have the sensibility to just step away and shake it off. Someone who's actually PD would likely overreact in the moment and take it somewhere it didn't need to go, never consider how unreasonable their overreaction was. AND they'd doubtful talk about or be reasoned with later.

[1footouttadefog]

If I understand correctly you don't want to take alcoholic beverages, but you know that he and yourself typically drink.

He then indicates he does not want you to ask other people for alcoholic beverages when he can provide them and you find this controlling. 

I think that regardless of the cultural background  it's generally looked down on to "mooch" "borrow" or whatever for alcohol beverages unless this it is established in advance that a party is supplying for all.  It seems he feels this way also amlnd want to prevent the social stigmas involved by bringing enough for the two of you.


I don't feel this is controlling but rather him wanting to prepare properly for a social outing by bringing his own beverages.

I would wonder why you don't want to bring them when you both drink.  Are you trying to control him?  Are you trying to not drink as much? If so, assure him you don't want to drink and will not ask others for drinks.

It sounds like you often get alcoholic beverages from others.  Perhaps this is normal and inoffensive in some circles but not in any I have traveled.

I am not trying to call you out and I very well might be misunderstanding. 

My daughter had a Chinese boyfriend for years and I cam assure you there will likely be some cultural differences, especially where gender issues are involved. 

This does not have to mean anyone is right or wrong or good or bad, simply that you are different amd have different perspectives that need discussed.

These things usually evolve over time bit this relationship seems to be a little enmeshed out of the gate.  Perhaps slowing the pace so there is time to get to know each better would be healthy. 



 

[Petite_Potatoe]

UPDATE: I believe it was a misunderstanding, we have talked at length and had real progress, we are also getting a therapist between both of us and will do couples sessions so we can understand each other!

[Leonor]

Hi Petite,

Well, as a woman of a certain age I would say, yes, there are many red flags here.

Healthy, adult, romantic relationships are not a weeklong whirlwind of romance and passion and arguments.

But disordered relationships are. Disordered relationships are all about love bombing and drama and exhaustion and enmeshment. That's a red flag.

Another red flag is that your first major disagreement is about alcohol and who brings it or buys it or drinks it.

Another red flag is couples therapy to understand one another. Um, what about just like, going on dates to get to know one another?

What the heck you got to be in therapy to understand this man? Why do you have to take time out of your day to figure him out? Let him figure out his own darn self

Petite, if you are dissociative, traumatized, and anxiously attaching, you're not in a place to be in relationship, let alone couples therapy. But you are in a place to be in you therapy.

First develop a loving, patient, happy relationship with your self.

[moglow]

Couples therapy when you've only been dating a few months? You actually *are* getting to know each other at that/this point, deciding if you even like each other. That's what dating IS. If you need a therapist to get you through it maybe this isn't where you need to be, whether someone is PD or not. Some people are just not our people, and there's nothing wrong with that.