enabler (aunt) aftermath

[Pepin]

I have realized what a shift has taken place with CN MIL's passing last year amongst other family members that used to support her.  One in particular is CN MIL's younger sister.  I think that the aunt was always looking for a way to be included....even if it meant behaving badly.  It was an odd dynamic.  A typical interaction would include CN MIL making a tone-deaf comment and then her sister parroting her.  It was never the other way around.  In the few years before CN MIL's death, CN MIL was slowly losing traction with her cutting remarks - and instead ramped up her demands.  Rather than say something off mark to stun someone into submission, she would throw down her waif card instead....and the aunt wasn't able to follow in this lead easily because her own children were more or less laser focused on their boundaries with her and not available to cater to her demands.  While her children love her very much, they don't take BS on any level....especially the daughter. 

Now that CN MIL is gone, the aunt has reverted into being what I would consider a normal person.  She knows she has to be careful with her behavior or she will have no one.  She wasn't able to command that presence that CN MIL had carefully crafted for herself.  I think that the aunt senses that people are a part of her life because they want to be....not because she is demanding they be.

Sometimes I feel sad for the aunt...the bulk of her life wasn't really her own and she wasn't true to herself.  She was caught up in bad stuff and bad behaviors that hurt others without really understanding the consequences of her behavior.  As an enabler to a covert narcissist, she has now retreated into a very quiet life...  I think she is remorseful and she is uneasy about being alone...but this is an example of what can happen when one supports a narcissist.  The narcissist will leave their supporters with very little to stand on.  And no wonder their brother moved away...it's always the one relative...

[NarcKiddo]

It's very said for the aunt and everyone affected by her, of course. But your update feels hopeful. It seems like the aunt may have a chance of a better life now, if she can go about it the right way. And as her children have boundaries they are clearly still in touch in some manner, so maybe something can be salvaged from the wreckage.