I think I have the most evil sister ever. TIL shes turned her kids against me.

[BrightMoon]

Brother in law recently died. He was endlessly gaslit, manipulated, cheated on, lied to by my sister. He was very vulnerable but so nice, funny and warm.

He had addiction issues but sorted himself out.

She literally forced him to go back to his addictions because secretly, she "found him boring when sober".

He died from them. She basically killed him.

And I learned that instead of her kids (young adults now to be honest) knowing the truth, they are fast becoming mini clones of her, and believe every word she said-and she has been saying plenty about me apparently, as they hate me.

When they were young I was the only one to treat them at all normally, healthily, and be there for them. It breaks my heart.

All my sister used to do to them was mock them, force them to make up lies to cover her affairs and cheating with other men, and more. She LITERALLY mocked her daughter when she was 8 years old for doing her homework "because she was a boring swot cleverclogs". It was not done in a playful way. It was bullying.

I am not even going into what the rest of my family is like or how they all severely emotionally abused me, day in, day out, from the day I was born.

Oh-and all my sisters pathetic ex boyfriends, who still hang around her like flies to a pile of manure, have also been turned against me, and whenever I see any around town give me dirty looks. None of them can believe she cheated on every one of them. They all instead believe every word she says.

All this, despite my having cut her and my FOO off years ago. Somehow they STILL make me the center of their hate and to blame for all their problems.

I only found out about these recent things due to the death of that poor guy I mentioned. He was the only one who was ever kind to me.

I could really use any virtual safe hugs right now. I am so low it is unreal. 

[Poison Ivy]

Sending hugs from afar. What you're enduring and have been through is terrible, and I feel mad at your sister on your behalf. (I hope that's okay with you.)

[moglow]

Some people in this world are just charismatic enough that they can somehow sucker others into their superficial little world time after time. That speaks as much of those people and their mindsets as it does her. Her children ... have likely been told all their lives they "must xyz OR ELSE..." and they continue to toe the line as expected. They've seen and experienced what that can look like, and may not want that spotlight turned on them.

If they can find develop independence from her, that could change and they then reach out to you on their own. Until that time, I'd guess plenty pay lip service to her bile because it's simply, easier than the alternative. It takes a LOT for kids to do that, usually [my guess] when that disordered parent has turned on them enough they realize they can't possibly be the only one. It's an incredibly lonely place to be, as you know, and honestly I suspect worse when it's your parent doing it. I know it was for me.

What always seemed to help me was to remember that what others think about me is really none of my business. None of that garbage changed who I am, it just showed me who "they" were.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Sorry about the passing of your BIL, and for the shenanigans as you mention.

It is not easy having PD family members. They seem to mostly (and sometimes predictably) behave in ways consistent to the disorder. I am sorry. I think I understand and have also experienced the heartbreaking aspects of it. Other relationships can be affected, and I think it really can have collateral consequences. Oddly, none of that seems to go recognized by the individual at the center of it and blame just gets tossed around.

In the face of all these dynamics, I think what you seem to be doing however is healthy. You are recognizing what it is, and the underlying drivers of it. The rumor mill and the dirty looks from others are "their stuff". It is coming from them and is nothing you need to own or fix or respond to. It is not yours.

[Xyz]

(((((BrightMoon)))))

I am sorry for your pain.

[notrightinthehead]

Big hug! So sorry this is happening to you.

[treesgrowslowly]

So so sorry for your loss. It sounds like BIL was a troubled person but a good person. You mentioned he was vulnerable. That is just tragic, what happened to his life.

Your sister is troubled, but she is not good to others. Unlike your BIL, she is troubled and disordered and narcissistic, and has trained her children in her ways. They learned from her, because that is what we do as kids - we learn from our parents.

Maybe they will get themselves Out of the FOG one day , maybe they won't. Sadly, you won't be able to get them Out of the FOG. They have been raised by a narcissistic mother, and it will be up to them to want to get Out of the FOG.

For now, it leaves you feeling quite alone in your awareness that the whole family system is full of neglect and emotional abuse. I'm glad you reached out for support here. What else can we share in order to help you feel supported right now?

I do not doubt for one second that what you saw when your sister mocked her kids, is what was going on. Narcissists will mock children - I went through it with my parents and watched relatives mock other kids in the family. It is awful.

In their grief, her now adult children are probably going to try to make things ok for themselves, however that looks for them. Given how they were raised by her, they face a lot of dysfunctional family dynamics they probably have no awareness of.

Given you were their aunt and still are, even though they are not healthy right now, maybe it might help you to write letters to them (that you don't send) to express what it is you wish you could tell them at this time. Sometimes we have to write letters we can't send - so that we get our thoughts onto paper, with people who are not ready to hear our words yet. In your letter you can have the space to write about how you feel right now. There is a section in the forum for unsent letters. It can be helpful when we are hurting and our hearts are broken.

Hugs to you,

Trees

[sandpiper]

    
I've been there, and it's awful. Watching my sister go down that path, her thinking getting more and more twisted, and the distorted world view that she imposed on her children. It was heart breaking. I hung in there from a safe distance for as long as I could but it's awful when they are intent on painting you as the villain of the story in order to provide a distraction from their own damaged and damaging ways.
We shifted our focus to build relationships with FOC and I'm wishing I'd spent more time doing that and I'd stepped back from my blood PD family sooner.
I've come to view spending time with my actual family as a form of self-harm.
I'm still just so shocked that after complaining so bitterly about what our childhood was like, EvilSis would go to such lengths to make her children's lives even more awful. The lies that she told - and which people still believe - are just insane.
Sadly, there are very few children who are going to survive that and step out of that kind of dysfunction.
If they do, these boards are here.
I coped with my distress by spending a lot of time here, learning and growing and trying to be there for others. I figured it was my way of planting seeds and paying it forward, so that if ever my sisters' kids need a refuge, well, I've done my bit to help the community that can help them to safety. That's what helped me.
I kind of wonder how much of it is genetic, these days. DH's niece is nearly thirty, she's had a great life, albeit with a pretty damaged father - who has still managed to give her a loving home and a wonderful childhood. She's inherited some of the worst traits of the PD relatives that she had very limited exposure to. I just shake my head at what a self-involved narcissistic player she's become.
Sometimes you just have to protect yourself from that, and remember that it's a waste of time to throw good love after bad.
Your time, your resources, your kindness will be valued by some and not by others. Don't drain that well by giving up your energy to people who are going to abuse it. And make sure that you find people and relationships and interests that can nourish and restore you, in a way that the damaged people in your life are simply unable to.
I hope that helps. It's a hard lesson to learn but trust me, it's one that it's worth persisting with.

[Kittenkatboots]

*Hugs* sorry you're going through this.

[BrightMoon]

Thank you to everyone for your replies! I read and appreciate every single one of them. Each of them had some wisdom and helpful advice and kind words that has really helped me.

I want to also mention "sandpiper", just to say there are so many wise and interesting points in your reply I hadnt thought of before that are very helpful to me. Thank you!

And thanks again to everyone!

[Healing Finally 2]

AGREED Sandpiper! 

"but it's awful when they are intent on painting you as the villain of the story in order to provide a distraction from their own damaged and damaging ways."

[Healing Finally 2]

I am so sorry BrightMoon to hear this story  , and am so sorry that this kind of dynamic has to be carried down through generations.  Because I think that the genes are part of it.  All you can do is take care of YOU.  After being scapegoated and had my family turned against me, what has helped is just doing the right thing, putting one foot forward in front of the other, showing how to do things RIGHT.  People do notice.  Take care of YOU.