Life-changing journaling session

[mary_poppins]

Hi all.

I heard that journaling daily can do wonders for you and so I started journaling quite often now. What I did today was to journal about my feelings. Anyway, after a few pages of text, I've discovered something that is at the basis of my self-sabotaging behavior and constant failures in life: the need to 'punish' my mother and prove something to her.
So all my life I kept myself from doing good things and going after my goals because if I became successful and had the things I want, my mother would take credit for it or poo poo on my happiness (or engaging in any other type of behavior that is specific to narcissist and meant to bring you down).

This is very evident in my relationships. I noticed that I'm not interested in dating or meeting new people because I know that deep down, it will lead to them meeting/knowing my family and later on, if things go well to getting married and my mother getting her source of supply from my marriage/kids/husband.

My mother has always been very nosy and had to know everything about my intimate life. And, if she found out about it, she would find a way to use my romantic life as a source of comfort for her (gossiping, bragging to others about my boyfriend, telling others about us or using the boyfriend as a punching bag or scapegoat)-Anyway, my mind works like this: why give this woman the satisfaction of knowing that her daughter is happy in love? Soo, as a way to avoid this from happening, I stopped dating and kept myself from meeting others so I wouldn't have to deal with anything negative from my mother.

I am certain this 'method' of mine is also used in career and other areas of my life where I'm not yet where I wanna be.

This was a big revelation, though. Had no idea how much of my life is controlled by my mother and especially, by my feelings toward her.

The conclusion to my journaling session was that, once (and if) I make the step to NC, these problems are going to dissapear.

I feel like a puppet now. Because my brain is so focused on the abuser, it's like I've never taken a step without it having to do with my mother or my family. I need a detox from these people 

[notrightinthehead]

Congratulations on this insight! I would like to add that the important task is, to lessen the influence of her in your own thinking. That's where she also has taken up residence. There are techniques like softening the inner critic, thought stop,  listening to your inner voice/conversation and finding out who you really are. What you really want. It's such an exciting journey!
Also practice self compassion meditation, mindfulness, and self love meditation. You have got this!

[NarcKiddo]

 

It's a big step forward and a helpful insight. But I would caution against supposing that the only step needed is NC. You can't go NC with yourself and you may have formed habits of behaviour and thinking that need some time to analyse and unpick if necessary. I am not saying you should or should not go NC. That is not for me to comment on. But I recognise much of what you say in myself. Although I have no intention of going NC I have in the past supposed that when my mother dies my troubles will be over. One thing I have worked out with the help of my therapist is that I need to work on me, whether my mother is here or not.

Take care of yourself.

[SaddleBagger]

What a mighty breakthrough for you. I'm happy for you that you had this insight. I can relate, a little bit, to what you're saying about your experience of having the intimate details of your life used as cheap fodder.

For other reasons I did go low contact with some family for years. It wasn't until I learned how to better set boundaries, release my expectations of them, and also work out some of my own distorted attitudes that I have been able to resume the relationships more fully. I'm happy to say it was been rewarding.

[1footouttadefog]

I hope you take this insight and apply this positively on yourself and your goals. 

[moglow]

I hate that you feel you have no choice but to shut yourself down and away from others/career/other options because of her opinion. If it keeps peace in the home, by all means keep it to yourself when you need to. That also means you don't have to take hers/theirs on as gospel. One thing I hope you'll see is that everybody has opinions and just because it differs from yours doesn't make you [or them] wrong. It means you feel differently, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Flip side is, you really don't have to shut down your life because she's pushy. You can politely decline certain discussions and continue to live your life. She gets mad? Okay, she's going to do that. That's not your stuff - she gets to decide how she behaves, just like everyone else.

[JustKeepTrying]

What a powerful breakthrough!